I just need a moment...

I just think you all should know that I love you. A lot.

A whole house full of people for a week has made me really happy and really tired. Like really really tired. It's not even 6 o clock and I'm about to pass out.

I have been thankful, joyful, grouchy, sleepy, productive, and lazy this week.

I have cried happy tears with people that usually drive me crazy.

I have been driven crazy by people that usually crack me up.

As amazing as this week has been...I'm ready for it to be over.

I'm gonna get a good night's sleep, eat lots of vegetables, and try to reduce my Christmas pooch. I'm also gonna show my hubs how much I appreciate him because he has kept me sane this week. My Mom-Mom too. She is the best.

And finally, I'm gonna try to let it sink in that I am actually done with school. No more late night cramming. No more driving Mike crazy with procrastination. No more eating Jimmy Johns in the library while I write about serial killers.

I'm a lucky girl. Or blessed, rather. Definitely blessed. Now I just need a moment to let it all sink in.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a GOOD NIGHT.

Who really likes jello molds anyway?

Today I am missing Mike's Christmas party. I'm a little bummed about it. Isn't that one of my wifely duties? To put my hair in rollers and put on my best sweater and smile for a few hours even though my feet hurt? To secretly hope that everyone likes my lemon bars more than any of the other desserts, because who really likes jell-o molds anyway?

That may sounds like torture to most people, but for some sick reason I love this kind of thing. Especially if I don't have to talk to anyone. I'm a little socially awkward. Especially without a glass of wine to lubricate my inhibitions.

But, alas, I have to work. And finish my finals. (My last final of my whole life.) Besides, Candice won't be there either. I would be very upset if she was going and I wasn't. It would have been fun for the two of us to hide in a corner and snicker about what old ladies who work for the government think is proper attire for an afternoon Christmas party at a rec center. It's also fun to wonder how all those nerdy employees have such hot wives.

I'm also glad it's not a dress up event. I would be very upset if I was missing out on an opportunity to break out my liquid eyeliner.

But, instead, Mike and Bailey will go to the party without their wives. They will bring napkins and plates instead of lemon bars and artichoke dip. They will probably be wearing something completely unfestive. And then they will sneak out early so that they can come home.

Sounds pretty lame to me.

An update...the end is near

I haven't written in forever so at the prompting of a friend (hey linds!) I decided to stop by for a quick update.

THIS IS THE LAST WEEK OF SCHOOL!!! As soon as I turn in these finals I have been working on I will be done! They aren't due until Sunday at midnight, but Mike's parents fly in on Friday so my goal is to be done by Thursday night.

That means that I have to write a 10 page paper, a project outline, a test, AND clean my house top to bottom before Friday morning rolls around. Oh and I have work.

But you know what...as stressful as it is I'm feeling pretty pumped. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. What am I going to do with all that free time!?

Christmas time is coming, there will be lots of family here, and a grad party! Fun, fun, fun!!

That's when I can get to work putting all the finishing touches on my house, put together a gingerbread house, and make Christmas cookies!

One of those days

Today sucked. Here's why...

1) Greasy hair- I woke up and took a shower but didn't wash my hair because I have a brand new bottle of dry shampoo. Well the new bottle doesn't work. It's clogged and doesn't spray. It was too late to get back in the shower, then wash and dry my hair.

2) Bad picture- I got to orientation for my new job feeling cranky because of my bad hair day and lack of breakfast. What do they have us do? Take a picture for our id badges. Great, I'm just so glad this terrible day was documented with a picture I will have to wear around my neck for everyone to see.

3) Rowdy kids- I don't know if the kids could tell that we were a little off today or they were just funkified by the snow. Whatever it was, they were OOC. Three kids hit their heads today. Head injuries of any kind require a call home. Three kids lost their recess privileges. And at the end of the day at pickup we lost a kid. We have to visually see their parents, but a dad who had never picked his daughter up before took her home without letting us know and it sent us into a panic.

4) Miscommunication- A family that I babysit for asked me to watch their kids overnight tonight while their mom was in the hospital having surgery. I was supposed to pick the kids up from school right after I got off of work and then stay at their house until I took them to school tomorrow morning. I wasn't looking forward to being away from my house and my hubs all night long. On my way to pick the kids up I called their dad to see if I should pick up booster seats for them before I got them from school. He was confused. His wife's surgery is tomorrow. She told me the wrong day.

5) Gas light- My car let me know I was out of gas while I was in the middle of nowhere.

6) Flashing Lights- I called Mike to let him know I was actually going to be coming home and then I noticed something flashing. I looked in my rear-view mirror. I looked down at my speedometer. 63 in a 50. Oh, my registration is expired? Just the cherry on top! Oh and my address had to be changed within 30 days of moving? That would have been good to know. No wonder my registration never came in the mail! Now I owe "the man" $213. There goes my first week of pay.

Cried the whole way home.

Two beers, a bowl of Annie's organic shells & cheese, and a few sweet potato fries later, I'm feeling a little better.

Tonight's gonna be an early night. It was just one of those days.

Update

I start my new job tomorrow and I'm surprisingly calm about it. 15 kindergartners and two teachers? Bring it on! I can totally handle it. Overcoming my social-awkwardness and making a good impression on my coworkers? That's a little more of a struggle. It will be great, though. I love the girls I have met so far. I love the idea of being forced to get out of the house for four hours a day. And, I love the idea of paying off some of the credit card debt that being an unemployed homeowner going through college has created.

I'm also getting really excited to see the pictures we had taken two weeks ago. I'm hoping we will get to see them soon. We had a photo shoot with Justin Hackworth, and lets be honest, he is just amazing so I know we will have some wonderful pictures to record this part of our lives.

And since I promised the menu for my Halloween Party here it is:
Stuffed Mushrooms

Pesto and Swiss Pastry Pinwheels
Jalapeno Popper Crostini
Caramelized Onion Dip
Caprese Salad
Mutt Mix
Cookies
...and to drink we had Purple People Eaters and Pumpkin Martinis
The Jalapeno Popper Crostini was amazing and easy so just let me know if you would like the recipe, or any of the others.

This weekend we also hung the ever-fabulous headboard. I still haven't taken any pictures, but get excited. It's lovely. This is the tablecloth we used to cover it. I have a little obsession with using target tablecloths in lieu of fabric because they are thick, come in super cute patterns, and are much cheaper than upholstery fabric.

Deployment?

The other day Mike sent me a message asking me if I would mind if he adds his name to a voluntary deployment list. He assured me that in his current position there is little to no chance of being deployed and that even if it did happen it would likely only be 90 days, and in a safe place.

I asked him if we could please have the conversation face to face when he gets home. He agreed. Well, we both forgot about the conversation and then I later found out that he went ahead and added himself to the list without discussing it with me any further.

I'm not sure how to feel about this. I totally understand that there are many brave people deployed throughout the world right now who are in much worse conditions. 90 days seems like nothing when compared to the year deployment that Mike's cousin is serving in Afghanistan right now. And fr all I know he could be deployed to Iowa or Italy. It could really be anywhere.

But 90 days!? That's a long time. I don't want him to be gone for that long. There are two huge reasons why. Number 1, I am starting to get the baby itch. Dealing with a pregnancy or lack thereof and then getting the news that he is leaving would not be fun. Number 2, I just got a new job so in the case that it was a place I could go with him, I would have to stay here anyway.

I know a family who had to go through most of her pregnancy and the birth of her son without her husband because he was in the desert. My heart broke for her. I don't mean to sound ungrateful or spoiled. I know I could do it if I have to, I just don't really want to.

Mike's family always says that it takes a certain kind of woman to be a military wife. I don't really agree. I think it's about choices. Some women choose to leave their husbands while they are deployed. Some women choose to blame their husbands. Some women choose not to deal with all of the hardship that comes with the territory of being the wife a military man.

I want to be the woman who would choose to make it work, I'm just not sure I want to do it if we don't have to.

Or maybe I'm just mad that he didn't talk to me about it first,

Life isn't a fairy tale....but it still rocks

I have a great husband.

I have avoided these types of posts before because no one wants to hear about the happily ever after, but lately I have been thinking about how lucky I really am. I'm not going to kill you all with our sappy-sweet love story. I'm just going to be real.

The other night my aunt and cousin were over for a little birthday dinner and later my cousin told me that they talked about how great Mike is the whole way home. That really made me smile on the inside.

We aren't that sappy sweet kind of couple where everything is perfect. In fact, nothing is perfect at all. Sometimes I whine. Sometimes I yell. Sometimes he yells back. Sometimes we have communication issues. Sometimes I feel like my needs aren't being met. Sometimes I don't meet his needs. We argue all the time and drive each other crazy. But...

#1: He really truly cares about me. He loves me and wants what is best for me. When I cry his heart aches. When I'm happy he is happy. He really knows me exactly as I am. I can be myself and I am myself when he is around. I don't feel like I have to put on any airs. In fact, I think he is the person who I am the most comfortable with in the whole world.

#2: He is the most committed and honest man in the whole world. He isn't giving up. He's not walking away. He's not tricking me or being sneaky or untruthful. It's not in his nature. I never have to worry about that. If he ever did anything wrong when I wasn't around he would feel so guilty he would tell me. And, I would even have to be angry because he would punish himself more than I could ever punish him. He wants to provide for me and make me happy. He is a real man.

Sometimes I think there are things I would change about him. Maybe I would get rid of his temper, or make him more outgoing, or a few inches taller, or give him a face like Ricky Martin or abs like The Situation. But, I wouldn't trade any of the amazing things about him for any of those things. Not in a million years. (And let's be honest I'm sure if he could snap his fingers and give me Giselle's legs he would)

My point is, we aren't perfect. Not even a little bit. Anyone that knows us has probably seen us fight and it's not very pretty. He has even punched walls and slammed doors in my face and I have probably called him names that are even more awful, but we still dig each other. I am pretty damn lucky to have a guy like him.

If I compare what we have to the movies it will always fall short. Life isn't a fairy tale. But when I look around at everything going on around me I am so grateful. I have the best man. Two imperfect people are going to make an imperfect relationship. But we are both pretty freakin awesome for each other.


(pssst...that job that I interviewed for the other day? well I got it!!)

October 26

Today was another eventful day.

I have been cultivating an enormous "cyst" between my eyes right next to my right eyebrow. Cyst is just the nice word the dermatologist uses to describe an unusually large zit. Partly because it was starting to impede my sunglasses-wearing capabilities, and partly because we are having family pictures taken on Thursday, I finally broke down and called the dermatologist yesterday. They squeezed me in this morning to get an injection this morning. Oh the joys of hormonal issues.

A few minutes after I made the appointment, I got a call for an interview. I was pretty stoked. It is a job I would actually love to have. I scheduled the interview for 10:30.

And then it dawned on me...I was going to have an injection in my face and then immediately drive to an interview looking like Quasimodo. Excellent!

Well today the derm was running behind and I started getting nervous that I would be late to my interview. After sweating it out I finally called and let them know I was running behind. They gave me the PAINFUL injection and then stuck a bandaid on it. A bandaid! That I couldn't take off for a few hours! I was planning on covering up the little bump with concealer so I didn't look quite so bad but now that wasn't an option.

By the time I got there late and with my bandaid on I was really frazzled. I'm afraid that I may I have sounded a little...ditsy. Ugh.

But the day got better... Mom-Mom and I made a beautiful headboard for my bedroom.
I'll post pictures later!

A good week

I'm so excited for this week! Last night I finished up my finals. It was a huge relief. Now I get to put my life back together and get ready for this great week I have ahead of me. It is my cousins birthday on Monday so we this Friday we are having a family birthday party for her! the big 1-9. I'm getting twisters enchiladas and goodness knows Mexican food makes a good party! And then on Saturday is my Halloween Masquerade Cocktail Party!

It's time to get my house clean, my list of hors d'ouevres picked out, and a grocery list made. Plus, a little trip to the liquor store to see what kind of pumpkin martinis I can whip up.

When I figure out what kind of finger foods I'm going to make I'll post that up here.

I better get busy!!

PS: I begin my last three classes today!! Only 8 more weeks until I graduate!

The Interim.

My grandma is back in town. We call her Mom-Mom. I'm so glad she's back. We go shopping and make my house look pretty together. The best part is when we just talk.

I have been feeling a little...stuck...lately. It felt good to talk to her about it. Talking made me realize while I'm stuck.

I'm a planner. I've always had a plan for my life and I just tweak it with the twists in the road. The problem with right now is, I never saw it coming. I knew I would be a student. I knew I will be a mom. What I didn't expect was the time in between. The interim.

Since I didn't know there would ever be an interim, I didn't make a plan for it. I feel like I'm standing at a fork in the road, but instead of there being two paths to choose from, there are many. Maybe ten, maybe more.

I'm thankful that I have choices. I'm thankful that I have a supportive husband with a great job that allows me the freedom to figure out what's next. Sometimes I think I need to be more aware of how blessed I am with that freedom that so many others don't have. And I need to be more careful communicate to him how thankful I am.

Because it's so much easier to focus on how overwhelming all of these choices are. I can be overwhelmed and thankful, cant I?

"When there is a mountain to climb, waiting won't make it smaller."

That's what the postcard that Mom-Mom left on my car the other night said. It so true. But what mountain should I climb?

"You Were Like A Mom to Me"

The other day I was reading through my senior yearbook, and a couple of the messages said things like, "you were like a mom to me".

What does that mean!?

It's a little weird. Especially since one of the people who said that was my ex-boyfriend. ew.

Do I take that as a compliment or a put down? Because really it's both. I'm SUPER maternal. I feel like I need to take care of everyone, whether it's my sister, my cousin, or even a friend who lived in our house and ate our food and was totally ungrateful. I just have something in me that wants to nurture and care and worry about everyone.

Maybe that's why I have always wanted to be a mom. I need some kids to take care of so I can stop worrying about everyone else. Even when I thought there were no men in the world worthy of marrying (before I met Mike, of course) my plan was to adopt a bunch of rainbow babies.

Lots of my friends dreamt about their careers or their husbands. I just dreamt about my babies. So now that I am trying to take a little pause to just be a married couple and enjoy and appreciate what I have right this moment, that mommy part of me is getting a little restless again. It's a hard balance when all of my girlfriends sit around and talk about going out or what they did at work and I have nothing to relate to. I am an online student/stay at home wifey. But, if I want to be a stay at home mommy some day I need to figure out a way to get over that. Maybe I need some friends who get just as excited about coming up with a delicious new pasta salad recipe as I do. Or maybe I just need to be more secure and confident in the fact that my life is different.

Because there will always be a little part of me that is a mommy, even if I don't have any kids. I may try to ignore that part for a little while, and that's probably a good idea, but it isn't going anywhere.

I almost gave up...

I was about to get right on here and talk about how hard it has been that I haven't heard back from any of the jobs I applied to. I was going to say how it has been a blow to my confidence and that it has made it harder for me to be excited about getting into the work force.

And then I got aggressive and decided I would call any number I could get my hands on. One of the craigslist postings had a phone number. I called and someone answered. And then they asked for an interview on Monday. That put a little pep in my step.

So I got online and wrote a bunch more emails and made a ton more phone calls. Then just now I got a phone call from a school I didn't even know I applied to. Apparently I applied a few weeks ago. They would like to interview me tomorrow. Holla!! I searched through all of my emails to try to find when I could have applied and nothing came up. The only thing I can think of is that I must have replied to one of those vague postings that doesn't give the name of the organization.

Anyhoo I am very excited. It never ceases to amaze me how God has a plan. Just when I was getting discouraged and feeling beat down I got two interviews in one day. Now I'm just nervous about all of the stress that comes along with applying for jobs. What if I don't get any of them? What if I do and they don't pay well? What if I accept a job offer and then I get offered a better position later? Oh well...I will just try to focus on the small things like what I'm going to wear!

A Crazy Weekend

This weekend was C-R-A-Z-Y!

First of all, we had a few people over on friday night. I made 3 lbs of cajun chicken pasta. Thats A LOT. It ended up being really good but that much pasta needs a lot of sauce.
All the ladies got spray tans and chatted while the guys played madden.
And then I stayed up until 2 am talk to my BIL.

Saturday I hung out with my dad. He has started dating which is super weird for me. I honestly can't think of a single woman he has dated since my parents got divorced when I was 7. To top it off, his new girlfriend is my realtor. She lives in the same town as me and is good friends with my mom. Strange. So now he keeps spending the night in my town and stopping by to say hi or hang out when his lady friend is busy.

My dad and I have been planning on making my grandma wooding's strawberry jam, so he came over and we went to the store to buy a million strawberries and then we ran over to the Polo store where Ben works to take full advantage of the friends and family sale they are running. Mike and his brother (Dan) met us there. Upon arrival Ben let us know that his mom asked him to move him and he said yes. When? Right when he got off work. Weird.

So we got my dad and Mike a bunch of nice new clothes and headed home. My dad and I made a ton of jam while the boys went car shopping. Then they came home and told us that Dan had found a Jeep online that looked like a really great deal. It was in Omaha. We live in Denver. When they found $60 plane tickets they made the final decision to take the 7 pm flight out and have a "brother adventure".

I packed my dad a cute little picnic basket for his date with my realtor including chocolate and wine and all kinds of things girls like, and then he was off. Right about the time I had taken a seat to enjoy the caprese salad I had just made myself, Ben got home and started packing. And then he drove to his parents house and I had the house to myself. No dad. No husband. No brother in law or free-loading roommate. Just me and my house that was covered in sticky pink jam.

So what did I do? I called up my girls to let them know I was down for a night out. I got home around 3 am.

By last night I was so tired that I couldn't even think. My boo got home around 11:30 and we finally went to sleep.

The end.

Summary

Right now my life is pretty much the same as it has been for a while.

Staying home doing homework and housework and being bored.
Wondering what I should do when I graduate.
Trying to figure out when I will be ready to "try" for a baby again.
Trying to find a part-time job.
Enjoying the new primetime TV season.

I really need to spice things up. When something exciting happens I'll be back to write more.

Holding my breath

I applied for six big girl jobs last night. It took me four hours to fill out the profile. I'm really nervous. I told Mike I was scared that I would get let down. He giggled because he thought it was cute that my eyes were welling up over something so silly. He said, "Well then, sweetie, you will just have to try again!"

But I did it. I took a step in a direction. I'm not sure if it's the right direction. Or if there is a right or wrong direction. But, I'm on my way to proving to myself that I can do whatever I want. I'm not going to limit myself. I'm kind of excited about it.

I'm also excited about the extra dinero that will allow me to put some money in the bank, buy some winter boots, and save up for an I-don't-have-any-kids-to-worry-about-yet-vacation all the while getting some work experience under my belt for when I graduate.

When Ben and I had an Oprah Moment

Yesterday I had a tough talk with someone I love. We were both being affected by the choices that one of our family members is making, so we were discussing the situation. This "friend" is much more directly related to the situation than I am and I had called to see how she was doing. Even though it was tough, I called her out on closing up. I told her everyone needs a friend. I felt bad calling her out when she was going through something rough, but I wanted her to know that I love her and I'm here for her and she needs to talk to someone when she is going through tough stuff. I think it made us closer. I hope. Because I love her a lot.

And then I sat down next to Ben (my gay friend/roommate) and we watched Oprah. I must have been in an emotionally raw place because everything on that TV made me cry. Wynonna Judd was on and she was talking about how she has overcome some terrible struggles in her life. What I was reminded in that moment is that everyone encounters hurdles no matter how bad or hard they are. The difference with this woman, is that she so flawlessly remembers God's love for her in everything she does. When she was talking about this tough stuff she continually was alluding back to God's light. It was amazing. I want to be more like her.

Ben and I have been through some tough stuff in our own lives, so we were both sitting there crying together about how amazing and strong and real and faithful Wynonna is. And then we remembered a song that she sang on Touched by an Angel when we were younger and he youtubed it.



And then we sat there and cried some more until it was time for me to go.

You know how in church you sing songs about how amazing and great God is and sometimes you have to remind yourself what you are singing about? I always think that the moment when I sync in to the words and they have meaning for me is a beautiful moment. Listening to Wynonna Judd's song was like that moment the whole time I was listening to it. I had goosebumps. I felt full.

Fall

The things I look forward to about Fall:

Soy pumpkin spice lattes
The leaves changing colors
Sweaters
Socks and Birkenstock clogs
Sleeping with the windows open
Canned peaches
Breaking out the crock pot for warm dinners
Cider-scented candles
Snuggling under a blankie on the couch

I am so so ready.

What being a homeowner has taught me

Life as a homeowner.

I used to daydream about owning a house. I imagined it would be green and gray and sit back in the trees. It would need hours and hours of work, but it would all be worth it. Painting next to my boo would be so romantic. We could be a team, pulling up old laminate floors and resurfacing old cabinets.

We bought a house. A new house. It needed much different kind of work. When you buy a new house it comes with a back yard of dirt and a house full of white walls.

This summer we have shoveled and wheeled loads and loads of rock and mulch and top soil. We have worked our backs lifting pallet after pallet of worm-filled sod.

We have painted our walls and added touches of our own.

We have had sooo much help from family and friends that made it all much more bearable.

Even though it wasn't an old house with a soul, and even though all the work wasn't quite as romantic as I imagined, we have still made it into a home.

I have realized that I really tend to romanticize the future. Things never turn out quite as wonderful as I imagine them. I get so focused on the future and what beautiful gifts it may bring that I miss the present and all its beauty. My life right now might not be a scene from a movie. It might be hard work, or emotionally draining, or just plain different than what I was expecting, but it is still wonderful in its own right.

As terrible as having a miscarriage was, I think it has helped me to appreciate what I have now. I don't want any more responsibility yet. I want to get a grip on what I am responsible for right now. I want to enjoy being a wife and a student and a friend and a homeowner. Then, when I am a mommy I might not be so disappointed that it's hard work. I won't be disenchanted- I will be grateful. I will appreciate it more than I might have before. Life isn't the movies. They make the hard stuff look too fun and easy.

The crazy life I have been living the last few days

Oh. My. Goodness. Gracious.

This last week has been crazy.

Let me start with the basics. First of all, my friend Ben has been staying with us for the last 3 weeks. Why? Because he worked on a cruise ship and decided that he was ready for land. He would have moved back in with his parents, but since he decided to write them an email admitting that he is gay two weeks before he came home, they aren't "ready" for that. How they didn't know I have no idea. I mean, he walks around Target belting showtunes or lady gaga WHILE doing the choreography. But anyway, that's beside the point. So, as much as I love Ben (which I really, REALLY do), living with anyone for three weeks can put a strain on your relationship. Especially when I am only gone 3 days a week and he is still unemployed and car-less. And when you are getting just a little sick of lady gaga and her "poker face" choreography. Basically we have just spent WAYYYYY too much time together and I have been needing a break big time, but since I love him, and he has no where else to go, and he starts a new job this week, I'm sure we will overcome this obstacle.

Secondly, my youngest brother-in-law is in town. Since Dan, the middle brother, was gone for Marine Officer Candidate School for most of the summer, their mom thought the three brother's needed some quality time together and flew Jake out here. The last few days have been boy overload. Mike, his brother Dan, his brother Jake, Jake's best friend Mitch, and Ben. Not to mention that my mom's significant other was over last night to help with the sprinkles and have pizza and beer. That makes 6 boys and one me. Ejtrvu6rvkuyg.

To make things even better, Mitch's parents found out last night that Ben was staying with us and freaked out. I mean FREAKED OUT!!! They told Mitch that he isn't allowed to use the same bathroom as Ben, ride in the same car with Ben...you get the picture. Do people think homosexuality is contagious!?!? Do they think it's gonna rub off on their son or something???? That situation added to my stress level just a bit. I pretty much wanted to reach through the phone and smack that dad in the face.

Thankfully, all of these nice boys have helped us finish our landscaping. We now have sod, and trees, and sprinklers, and all sorts of other pretty yard things.

At least that's one thing to check off my list.

Oh and remember how I was scared I was going to fail my classes? Well one of my teachers gave me a D despite the fact that all of my work is turned in and refuses to raise my grade because she doesn't think I deserve it. She wouldn't grade two of my papers because then I would have a C. Great. Perfect. Thanks for being so understanding. You would think a female teacher would understand. I guess not.

My male teacher graded all of my assignments and didn't even deduct any points for turning them in late. I have an 86%!!!! Hooray!! I guess a B and a D equal two Cs, right?

So since I have had such a stress free week and all, I decided that I couldn't live if I didn't go to the farmer's market today and embark on another canning adventure! I bought an entire box of tomatoes, 8 onions, a bunch of basil, several heads of garlic, and a bottle of wine. With Ben's help I ended up making two HUGE pots of tomato sauce which translated into 18 pint-sized jars. They are all sealed and hot, resting on my counter-top. There is some serious satisfaction in hearing that popping sound as they seal up and get ready for their home in the cabinet. There was even enough sauce leftover after I filled all the jars to go with a pound of whole wheat pasta which is now warm and waiting for me to finish typing this so I can topa bowl of it with Romano cheese and dig in.

After all of that canning business the boys decided that they were going to go back up to school with Dan, and Mike headed out to watch the UFC game with the guys. Dan is going to drop Ben off at his friend Becca's so that he can have some time out of the house, and Dan, Jake, and Mitch are going to do manly things like shoot guns and go to the mall to look at girls.

I am home. ALONE. And its quiet. Unbelievably quiet. And my house smells like garlic. I'm going to crack open a bottle of wine, serve up a bowl of carbs with cheese, and enjoy the silence.

Guilt

Don't you just hate it when you mess up and you know it? You feel guilty and just wish that whatever you did wrong will just disappear. And then to top it all off everyone else tells you that you should have done better, when you already know that. I did that twice this weekend.

Number one: I drank too much on Saturday night and not only did we have to call Steve to come pick us up, but I was also completely useless yesterday.

Number two: yesterday was the last day of my eight week class session. That means everything had to be turned in by midnight. It was a bitter realization that I had seriously slacked this session. I did have a very rough 8 weeks, but I still probably could have done better than I did. Feeling dizzy all day certainly didn't help me write all 5 papers that I wrote yesterday. Yes, 5. And yes, they were all turned in late and my teachers will probably fail me just because they are mad that I waited until the last minute. I might deserve it but I am crossing all my fingers and toes and praying to God that I get Cs in both classes.

The good news is that I had written on my calendar that new classes started today, only to realize that they don't start until next Monday!! That means that I have a whole week without guilt to get my house painted and get motivated to blow my teachers away next session.

So today I'm going to do all of the laundry and put it away, wash my sheets, clean out my fridge, sweep my floor, and decide on a paint color. Hooray!!

A Few of my Favorite Things

So I have seen a lot of other people do these posts so I thought I would do one of my own just to show how pathetic I am.
My first favorite is Peanut Butter M&M's. I'm completely addicted. If there is a bag in the house I will sniff it out like a grey hound and it will be devoured before the night is over. I feel this way about any kind of chocolate, but PB M&M's are the top of the pile. This is why I usually don't allow any junk food in my house because I have no self control. If you haven't tried some of these, run, don't walk! Get yourself some ASAP.


My second addiction is cold Sauvignon Blanc. Any kind. It just has to be cold. I want to be a red wine lover, but the truth is that it is room temperature, stains my teeth, and gives me a headache. Don't get me wrong, with a steak I will drink a red, but for any given day I can seriously drink some sauv blanc.
Next is my face mask. The Beyond Belief ABH face mask is AMAZING. It makes my pores look smaller, gives me a nice rosy glow, and helps get rid of dead skin. The only down fall is that it brings dirt to the surface, so you might breakout a little after you use it, just like any acne product, but it goes away fast. You can pick this up at Sally's for pretty cheap. Maybe six dollars.


Another favorite beauty product is dry shampoo. If you are a woman with thick hair and you haven't discovered this product yet, you are seriously missing out. So far I'm not particular to any specific brand, but I have tried Ojon and Batiste and they both allow me to go three days between washes.

And finally, Target underwear are something I couldn't live without. 5 for $20, and they are just as nice as Victoria's Secret but with more color choices. My favorite are the thongs with thick lacy sides.

I feel like such a goof ball for thinking anyone would care about the silly things that I wish someone had told me about, but here you are. A few of my favorite things!!

The last two weeks in a nut shell...

I have been slacking a little in the blogging world. I just realized everything that has happened since I last wrote.

First of all, Mike and I flew out to DC to visit his parents and brother, and then drove with them to Annapolis, Maryland for a Whelan Reunion. The Whelans are a bunch of crazy Irish Catholics. When I say "a bunch", I mean it. Mike's dad is one of 12 siblings. His grandmother and all 12 of her kids were there, plus their spouses, kids, and even some grandkids. I genuinely love this family. All of the cousins have taken me in and made me feel like family. I love them all!! We had such a great time in Annapolis and it made me proud to be a Whelan!!

*Just a few of the 21+ cousins having our own little dance party at a little bar on the bay. Aren't we a good looking group?? I'm the one 3 from the left peeking out behind my lovely cousin Jon's shoulder*

We got back last Wednesday, just in time to be ready for my dear friend Hannah's wedding. Friday night was her bachelorette party and things got a little crazy (but not too crazy). This poor guy drove all NINE of us girls on the back of his bicycle rickshaw meant for two people. Don't worry though...we tipped him well. And I don't think he minded all the attention we got him either.

Her wedding on Monday was beautiful and she looked stunning. Unfortunately it rained through the whole outdoor ceremony, but that's good luck, right?*Lori, Me, and Jen trying to wait the rain out before the ceremony*

Unfortunately, now that all of the excitement is over Aunt Flo has caught up with me so it's decision making time. I think it might be time to reinstate baby making extravaganza part 2. I'm still scared shitless but I don't think anything will get me passed that besides hearing a little heart beat so I guess we better get started. At least trying is fun ;)

I know I can be...

Today I feel inspired and capable. The clouds have cleared. The storms are few and far between and I can see more clearly now. I know I can. "I can do what?", you may ask. The answer - anything I want to.

I can paint pictures. I can try new recipes. I can grow herbs in my backyard. I can make preserves and pickles and all kinds of things with the beautiful flesh of fruits and vegetables from the farmer's markets. I can feel the sunshine on my cheeks and the breeze on my shoulders. I can read all about new things without feeling inadequate for not knowing them already. I can feel accomplished from all of the new things I teach myself to do. I can feel God's hand holding mine. Or Mike's hand holding mine. Or both of their hands holding each of mine- while I struggle to try new things. Isn't that a beautiful thought? Just close your eyes and imagine God holding your hand like you are his little child. And then think of the people who love you holding your other hand.

Today I am happy for the future. I am not intimidated or scared. And whatever happens I know that I can find this happy place again. It may be hard. It may not be all the time. But at least I can remember that it exists. I know that I have a journey. I'm gonna stop worrying about it. I will find what I will be and do along that journey. I will stop forcing myself to try to know what I don't know. I don't know where I will work or if I will work or what I will do. I don't know when I will be a mommy or how. And that's ok. The plans God has for me will unfold as I walk along.

I hope that when the walls start closing in again and the clouds are over my head again and I feel like the weight on my shoulders is too much to carry I remember this peace I have in my heart right now.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. -Matthew (6:34)

The things I want to be:
Happy.
Fulfilled.
Busy.
Inspired.
Motivated.
Sane.
Witty.
Appreciative.
Faithful.
In love.
Capable.
Reflective.
Humble.
Confident.

And I know I can. What do each of those words mean to you?

I think I like him

Mikey is being really really nice to me. He even texted me "I love you" randomly this morning. I was feeling like a big hot mess of guilt, and he kept on lovin on me. He said he thinks our "talk" made him feel a lot better. Funny, it made me feel awful, but I guess he was relieved and now he feels really affectionate. I won't complain.


Yesterday we went to a bridal shower. I wasn't looking forward to it because I think the groom is a big you-know-what. It wasn't too bad. It actually made me kind of happy. I really like weddings. I would really like to get married again. But to the same guy. Is that allowed? He is awfully sweet.

A hard realization.

Yesterday I had an epiphany. Not a very good one. I realized that I haven't been being the best wife I can be. That's a hard pill to swallow. The thing is, I have become a very unmotivated person lately. And no, by lately I don't mean the last 3 weeks or so. I mean the last year or so. I feel defeated. I feel useless. I feel like I had been putting on my happy face but crying out for help at the same time. Something is just wrong. I don't know if it's hormonal or chemical or thyroid or just plain emotional, but I need to fix it. I think this recent situation is just what made me hit rock bottom. It's also what made a few people around me get worried enough about me to say something.

Here's the thing; I have a wonderful life. I have more than I ever dreamed of. My husband loves me, and takes care of me, and is much more patient with me than I deserve. I have a great home, a great family, great friends, and so many opportunities. There is no reason that I shouldn't be happy all the time, but the truth is, I feel tired and defeated most of the time.

As my grandmother said, "I'm sitting pretty".

And you know who is taking up the slack? Mike. He is pulling way more than his fair share of the weight and it's pretty sad that I have been so blind.

I feel so overwhelmed with life, that I literally do nothing. That's gross. I'm embarrassed to say that. No wonder he is too tired to be affectionate. No wonder he gets frustrated with me. How did it take me this long to see that?

I'm gonna try to do something to fix it.

Nix that-- I am gonna fix it.

I'm just scared. This realization makes me feel even more overwhelmed. I feel like I have all the tools to pick myself up and make this right, but I have forgotten how to use them.

Last night I had a total breakdown. I apologized to Mike for being such a terrible wife. I cried until I couldn't see. Of course, he accepted my apology and forgave me. Of course, he told me he just wants to look ahead and not focus on the bad stuff. And of course, he reminded me that I don't have to do it all at once and that I just have to start with "baby steps".

See what a great man I have? I don't deserve him. Sometimes I really have no idea why on earth God blessed me with him. I don't know what he sees in me.

Bittersweet

I'm home. Bittersweet. How am I feeling? I feel like getting pregnant again sounds like the scariest idea in the world. A baby sounds nice, but all the fear that would come along with that might be unbearable. I hope I change my mind eventually. For now, can we please go to Mexico and lay and the beach and drink margaritas and not think about anything??

Big blue eyes

Praise the Lawd for antibiotics!! I have clear skin for the first time in a long time!

I'm feeling pretty good. Today I went shopping and bought some new sterling silver flower bud earrings that are pretty groovy, and I'm really appreciating the new highlights I got on Saturday and my clear skin. Even my PG-13 boobs aren't so bad because they are distracting from my tummy.

MIkey just called and said "Hey, purty girl"

:)

And now I get to go see the most adorable little nugget in the whole wide world. Her name is Norah and she is gorgeous. She looks just like Mike with big blue eyes. Hooray!

Waking up from the NIghtmare

I went ahead and flew to LA yesterday with Mike. He will be working during the day, and we had been planning on sight-seeing a bit in the evenings. I figured that all the alone time might be a good thing if I put my mind to relaxing.

Lately, I have been pretty much an emotional roller-coaster. Most of the time, I am totally OK. I know we can try again soon, I'm glad I can drink and go tubing at the lake, and I'm glad the morning sickness is gone. Sometimes, though, I feel really weak. If I think too hard or let myself feel too much I feel empty and useless. I know it's not true, but I almost feel like less of a woman right now. I failed at carrying a baby, I can't be "romantic", and I am not very motivated to do anything, so what am I good for? Intellectually, I know that's ridiculous, but I still have a hard time not letting that insecurity seep in when I'm at my weakest.

I'm gonna be fine though. I have this whole week in California to clear my mind, and then I'm going to the lake with my friends and family this weekend. I think sunshine, good company, waves, and beer, will do me some good.

It was all just a very bad nightmare, and after enough good dreams, it will be just a distant memory.

Surgery

Wow. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have him. Mike has taken great care of me the last few days. He really has been my rock. I don't know how he can be so strong when we have gone through such a rough time, but he does it.

So what he didn't tell you is that yesterday I had another ultrasound. We went in frustrated and sad and all mixed up with a list of questions that we wished we had asked on Tuesday. I had a new doctor that I felt more comfortable with and who was very clear about what was happening.

When he did the ultrasound, not only did he not see a heartbeat, but the whole mass had changed. It had gotten much bigger in just the last few days, and was shaped like an overgrown circus peanut. It was even starting to disintegrate on one side and was surrounded by fluid. As hard as it was, I was a little relieved to know that there was no chance that it was a viable pregnancy. I don't think I could have handled any what-ifs or go-home-and-see-what-happens'. If it was over, I wanted it to really be over.

The doctor highly recommended having it surgically removed as soon as possible. Since it was growing so quickly, and had become such a huge mass, he thought it would just be way too much bleeding for me to pass naturally or with the help of medication. He warned that doing so would be extremely physically and emotionally draining, and that waiting could even allow the placenta to keep getting bigger and bigger.

He asked the receptionists to get me in to the OR sometime that day, and then give me a call. I got the phone call right after we drove away. They wanted me to drive straight to the hospital to get ready for surgery. When they started prepping me, I realized that this wasn't going to be as quick and simple as I had imagined. I was in the gynecological operating wing hooked up to IVs and being prepped for anesthesia. I had compression cuffs on my legs, and my hair cover by a blue net. They gave my wedding ring to my husband. Then they told me all about the risks and made me sign a waiver saying that I would consent to a blood transfusion in the event that it was necessary.

All of the doctors and nurses kept telling me that they were so sorry for our loss. Surprisingly that made it even harder for me. I wanted to pretend that I was just there for something else. Something like having my appendix or my tonsils removed. I just couldn't let myself think that they were removing that blob of cells that I had become so attached to.

After surgery I slept for about two hours in the recovery room, and then they made sure that I was going to wake up and helped me get dressed. Mom-Mom and Mike had been waiting for me the whole time. Mom-Mom took me home and stopped to get me a pink star at Jamba juice since I hadn't eaten all day. Mike went to go get some things for work and then he went to Walmart to get my prescriptions filled and pick up a few things I needed.

Today I'm feeling much better. I'm still recovering a bit, but I'm not seeing double or in too much pain anymore. My throat hurts from the breathing tube, but I think that will get better soon also.

I'm a little relieved that now I can shut the door to this awful chapter in my life and start moving on. Like Mike said, it has also been a learning experience. We have grown in our marriage. We have realized how many people love us and care about us. We have realized that we are ready to be parents when our time comes.

Thank you for all of your prayers and kind words. It has meant the world to us.

Love and Support

So this is officially my first post on my wife's blog. She has tried so hard to get me to do this for some time now. So here we go.

The last week has been a hell of an emotional journey. Despite having our high hopes dashed, I have tried to focus on the positive things that have come out of this experience. We have seen an incredible outpouring of support from our family and friends. The fact that so many people are looking out for our well being brings me a huge sense of security. I know that all of our family and friends are constantly looking out for us.

This experience has also brought me closer to my wife. It is IMPOSSIBLE to go through such a difficult time in life without the love and support of your loved one. I have an incredible appreciation for what my wife means to me. It tears me up inside when she is feeling so much emotional pain. I know that I could never truly understand what she is going through (because I have the wrong parts), but I wish that I could take her pain away. She is a strong woman and she will be able to get through this, but I wish that I could do more to help. I have tried my hardest to be the rock for her these last few weeks. I want her to know that she means so much to me. This is the list of some (the list is too long) of the things that I love about her. I love: her creativity, her huge heart, her friendship, her love, her company, her cooking, her personality, her lack of athletic ability, her rockin ghetto booty...ok so now i'm a little off topic, but I just want everyone to know that I DIG her!

We will continue to get through this difficult time together as a team. I know that this is just a small bump in the road when it comes to the bigger picture. It will be our turn in the near future.

Not strong today.

There was no heartbeat.

This morning I went in for my 2nd ultrasound hoping for some good news. I didn't get any. She saw the sac very clearly and was surprised that the other doctor and midwife couldn't find anything last week. Then she zoomed in on where the fetus should be flickering by now. Nothing.

She said there should definitely be a heartbeat right now, and that I am probably miscarrying. I guess my progesterone levels were low last week but no one told me that. I have been spotting a little but, but nothing telling had happened.

I guess now I'm just supposed to wait until my body takes care of this. I'm having a really rough time. Mike drove me home and we have been laying in bed almost all day. It keeps coming over me in waves that its over. I don't want it to be over. And if it has to be, I want it to be now. I don't want to wait around for the red flag to remind me that it's a sure thing.

This is so hard. I don't know why God would let me get pregnant in the first place if it wasn't going to work out. I go in for another ultrasound on Friday just to make sure. I don't want to go see a bunch of happy mommies-to-be with swollen tummies. I don't want to fight the tears and swallow the lump in my throat.

I can be strong another day. Today I think I will just lie in bed and cry.

Relief!!

6,500!!!!!

Yep, that's right, my HCG levels are right on track! Hooray!! I am even more relieved than I thought I would be. I thought I would need the ultrasound to chill a little bit, but I am already feeling so much better. I have been emotionally EXHAUSTED the last few days and I needed a little good news.

And guess what... It's our anniversary weekend!! Hooray! On Saturday we will have been married for a whole year! I'm glad I am letting myself finally get excited. I went to go buy some cute lingerie for the weekend, but I just couldn't bear to buy anything big enough to fit my swollen boobs into. In high school I didn't even need to wear a bra because I was so flat, and now my nipples are popping out of my D cup. Next thing you know I'm gonna have to buy some of those big lady bras from target so that I don't bust out a boob in front of someones kid.

What are you meant to do when your boobs start growing by the minute? I mean, seriously? What do women do? I'm only a few weeks preggo and I'm already ballooning. Thank God it's not my ass. I think I would just lay in bed and cry if it were my ass.

Anyway, despite the fact that doctors have done a grand l job of scaring the you-know-what out of me this week, and despite the fact that all of my modest shirts have become PG-13, I am making up my mind to have a great weekend. I'm gonna eat good food, drink (fake) champagne, and spend some quality time with my boo.

Keep up the prayers! We need to see a heartbeat on Tuesday!!

Hope

Yesterday and this morning have been days of hope and faith. There is still fear in the back of my mind but I have managed to push it back so that it can't take over my life and paralyze me.

Yesterday I babysat for a lovely lady named Krista who has a 1 yr. old, an almost 3 yr. old, and a 30 week along bun in the oven. Her lovely kiddos kept me busy all day so that my mind couldn't wander. When Krista got home her kind words fed my hope. She had a similar experience with the love nugget she is carrying right now. Her doctors couldn't find it in her first ultrasound and told her it could be ectopic which would mean the pregnancy would have to be terminated. Obviously everything ended up fine, and she has had a generally healthy pregnancy since then. She told me that all you can do is be happy that you are pregnant today, and not worry about tomorrow. I keep reminding myself of that bit of wisdom. I haven't miscarried yet, so I am happy that I am pregnant today. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I will do my best to leave the worrying to God.

Krista is a strong woman. Her husband is deployed in the desert for the 2nd or 3rd time. It is a year long deployment and he will miss the birth of their 3rd child. His oldest will be almost four when he is home again. She has been raising those beautiful babies on her own, yet she keeps a positive outlook on life. If she can be strong, so can I.

Today I go in for more blood work. I hope that tonight I will be getting a call telling me that my HCG levels have doubled. I hope that on Tuesday there will be something to see on the ultrasound screen. I hope that this was all just an overreaction and that everything is fine. I have faith that God won't give me anything I can't handle, and I am thankful that I have a loving man who will love me and be by my side no matter what happens.

Another Update

Ok the doc called me back. My HCG levels are between 2 and 3 thousand. That's pretty normal for someone who is 3-4 weeks along. They keep reiderating how important it is for me to get in on Thursday for more blood work. I will feel so much more relieved if my levels have doubled by then. That will be a really good sign.

Update

I went to the doctor. It was the first time Mike has been in the room while I have my feet in the stirrups. I was so nervous but my midwife made me feel so relaxed. She asked me lots of questions and told me I could be cramping because I'm not getting enough water. I'm supposed to be drinking 2 liters of water a day now. That's a lot!

And then she got the vagisound. Awesome. She said that I may be able to hear a heart beat, but not to be worried if it is too early for that. She got busy looking around in there for a long time and was very quiet. She just kept looking at the screen and moving it around. I started to wonder why it was taking so long to find the baby. After what seemed like forever she said that she wasn't seeing anything so she wanted to get another doctor to take a look. I waited for another eternity until a male doctor came in and probed me. He found a tiny little blob on the screen. It was so small that they couldn't even tell where it was or what it was. They are assuming that the blob was the baby and that I'm just not as far along as they originally thought so there isn't much to see yet. They are also hoping that it is not ectopic. They took my blood and they are going to check my HCG levels and call me back tonight. I am scheduled to have it tested again on Thursday to make sure the levels are going up like they are supposed to, and then I should have another ultrasound in a week. For now it's just a waiting game.

I'm still feeling really nervous. I feel like everything is up in the air now. Please keep praying that my body takes care of that tiny little blob.

Scared

I'm having a mini-breakdown. I have been having cramps for the last few days which I thought was normal, but this morning I decided to google it just to make sure. The website I found said that cramping is normal when the fetus is attaching to the uterus, but beyond that it could be a bad sign. Since I am approximately 6 weeks, I figured I was past the attachment phase so I asked my cousin what she thought and she talked me in to calling my insurance nurse hotline just to make sure there was nothing to be worried about. The nurse asked me a million questions and then recommended that I get to an obgyn in the next three hours. She said if I can't find an apt. with an ob, to go straight to my primary care physician. That really freaked me out. A lot. I am really really attached to this little person growing inside of me. On Sunday I spotted just the tiniest little bit and I got really upset. I started crying but since it was just a tiny bit of pink and there wasn't any more I told myself I was worrying over nothing. Now I feel like an idiot and I'm worried that I got too excited too fast and that I should have taken this more seriously. I mean, I haven't even had an ultrasound. How do I even know there is a baby in there? What if it is stuck in my fallopian tube or its chemical? A thousand terrible things are running through my mind. I'm not hyperventilating or crying anymore but my stomach is still in knots. I wanted seeing my baby for the first time to be an exciting thing and now I'm scared out of my mind.

I have an appointment in 40 mins.

On my wedding day it poured and poured and then right before the ceremony began the sun came out and the clouds cleared and two big, beautiful, bright rainbows filled the sky. It was beautiful and it made me feel so at peace. I knew it was God telling me that everything was going to be OK and that His plan for me was to marry Mike.

On Saturday when the ladies and I were leaving for dinner there were two huge rainbows in the sky. Earlier that day I had started crying because I was just so exhausted and feeling under pressure. Seeing the double rainbow again made me remember that God was there by my side. Again, I felt peaceful and I felt like he was telling all of us that we were exactly where we should be in life and that everything is going to be ok. I felt like he was saying that Lori's divorce was a new beginning and that my baby is safe.

I hope that sign was real. This baby wasn't planned, but it is already loved. I am in love with the idea of being a mommy.

Please pray that everything is OK. Pray that my baby is where it is supposed to be and that it is growing. Pray that God gives me peace and strength. I can't even let my mind wander or I will break down again. I just keep telling myself that it's going to be Ok.

Sinking in and Saturday

Now that the shock has worn off the excitement has set in. Mike is sooo happy that he is gonna be a daddy. He said that he is glad it happened this way because he doesn't think he would have ever felt ready. He has reacted better than I ever could have imagined. He is so sweet... he keeps reminding me to take my vitamins and wondering out loud which room should be the baby's. He even admitted that he has a deep down feeling that it's a girl! Isn't that hilarious!? He used to say we were gonna have four boys just because he thought it was funny to freak me out.

So a little about my crazy day on Saturday.

It started off when the phone rang and woke me up at 7:30. It was Mike's friend Paul from high school. They both graduated from a private school in Virginia. He was in Breckenridge. And he got there...on his bike. Yep, he is riding his bike across the country for fun. So far he got all the way from Virginia to Breckenridge, Colorado. I have never heard of such a thing. I can hardly ride my bike up the hill down the street lead alone the Rocky Mountains!
Well I couldn't go back to sleep so we just snuggled for awhile until grampa showed up. I have the best grampa in the world. He brought me big beautiful pink gladiolas because he is "glad" to hear our news. Isn't that the sweetest thing you have ever heard??

Soon Lori came over. It was her day to celebrate because she is finally a free bird. No more immature cheating jerk for her to be legally attached to. The girls and I were taking her out to celebrate her new found freedom and she needed a pedicure. She was a pedicure virgin so it was a pretty big deal. Later I went to her house and got her all sexied up. I did her hair and makeup and she put on a sexy little number. She looked hot. Best of all she felt hot.

(from left: Gia, Chelsea, Somer, Lori, Me, Lisa)

What beautiful friends I have! We went to a tapas bar. I had water. And then the best part: we had a scavenger hunt to do after dinner and before our show.

We had to get a tag from a man's underwear...












...and Lori had to get a foot rub from a (cute) stranger...



















...and take a picture with a guy (or four guys) with a hairy chest...

















...and get a cop to handcuff her...




















...and then kiss him!






















And then we went to a burlesque show. I had no idea what I was in for.


They gave us all tiaras.
(with Pierre, the french emcee)














There were lots of boobs.
















We had so much fun. Lori really felt like the beautiful princess that she is. After the show we ran in to my ex-boyfriend...

...and his boyfriend.

He thought it was really funny that his ex is pregnant. I thought it was really funny that I was hanging out with my ex boyfriend and his boyfriend. And no, I didn't turn him gay! I was just a front. He was so sweet though. He kept saying how great my news is and it was so great to see him.














I didn't even make it home until the sun was coming up because I was the designated driver and I had to drop everyone up. What a crazy day! What a crazy life I have!! Babies and divorces and gay exes! Goodness gracious!

Well, friends, practicing didn't last long. It's game time. Yep, I'm pregnant. That was fast wasn't it? We are really shocked and really excited. I know it's a little early to be talking about it, but I just can't keep my mouth shut.

I'm a big ball of nerves and excitement and oh goodness I don't even know what else.

Yesterday Mikey started realizing that this wasn't all a big joke when the doctor confirmed all THREE positive home tests I took were telling the truth. Even my doctor was shocked how quickly this happened, especially considering we weren't even trying! By the time Mike got home from work he was really pumped. It made me feel so much better that he was excited. All he wanted to do was call everyone but I was SO SCARED! On the way home from dinner he started dialing EVERYONE on speaker phone and telling them. I thought I was gonna throw up I was so nervous, but after everyone in our close circle of friends and family knew I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.

I'm really still in shock. I hope everything goes well. I keep praying that my little nugget is healthy and I keep talking to it. I say, "grow nice and healthy little nuggy!". I can't wait until I can see it in an ultrasound and hear it's heart beating. I think I am so so much more nervous about being pregnant than I am about having the baby with us.

My brain is a puddle of mush. I can't think. That is all for now.

Weekend from hell

I am so glad the weekend from hell is over!

On Friday and Saturday we had a garage sale...It was exhausting but we made a little cash and got rid of A LOT of junk that has been pawned off on us since we moved in here.

Friday night we got suckered into helping with my little brother's birthday party. My mom is not very good at planning ahead. There were 9 fourth grade boys that she promised a movie, popcorn, dinner, flashlight tag, s'mores, and camping in the back yard. Mike and I bought the pizza, soda, and supplies for s'mores. We fed the boys while my mom talked on the phone and drank a glass of wine. Then, we corralled nine boys through the movie theater on a Friday night to see Karate Kid. We brought nine little bags of M&M's, but my mom forgot that she had promised my brother she would buy popcorn if all of the boys ate their pizza, so (only after he started crying) we bought three huge bags of popcorn and 6 large sodas. We divided up the popcorn into little cups so that everyone could have their own. I had offered to stay at the house and set up the tent so that we wouldn't have to do it in the dark, but of course my mom insisted that Mike and I go to the movies with them.
When we got home they played flashlight tag as promised- but it was after 10:00 pm. The boys promised they would be quiet. What fourth graders can be quiet? They kept screaming at each other and the neighbors started turning their lights on. Finally we rounded them up and got them inside, but my mom couldn't figure out how to get the fire pit started or how to set the tent up in the dark. We tried to help but it was a lost cause. We were all so tired and my fuse was already getting frustrated with my mom's inability to plan ahead. Finally she broke the news that they would just have to sleep on the floor inside.
It was SO stressful. I know my mom is busy, but she bit off WAY more than she could chew. She bit off more than all three of us could chew and just expected us to pick up the slack. Needless to say by the time we got home after an entire day in the sun and then dealing with the whole party situation I was exhausted and grouchy.

And then we woke up at 6:45 the next morning to do the garage sale all over again.

And then we went out for my friend's 21st birthday.

And then the next morning we woke up early again so that I could work on my paper that I had hardly even started.

And then we had Father's Day festivities. Thank goodness my dad and grandparents were there to keep me from snapping at my mom.

And then we rushed home so that I could finish my 9 page paper before it was due at midnight.

Needless to say that was one of the most exhausting weekends I've had in a long time.
Today I slept in, took a shower, made my bed, went to Costco, and then organized the pantry. It felt SO good to have the weight of the weekend off my shoulders.

I hope you all had a great weekend! ;)

The Power of Friendship

In the last few weeks I have begun a new journey of friendship. For so long I marveled at the miracle of female friendship. Something I used to feel so good at, and then I seemed to have lost. In the last three years, most of my female friendships have dissolved. I'm not sure why. I think it's a combination of moving, and growing, and falling in love.

And then recently a miracle happened. Somehow I found my way into a wonderful circle of women. I have something I have longed for. These women are intelligent, caring, witty, strong, and loving. I know they have my back, and they know I have their back too. We eat and drink and cry and laugh and talk together. We understand each other. This feeling is so new I don't even know quite how to explain how beautiful it is. I have always realized how marvelous the miracle of friendship is, I just felt like I had lost the ability to have friends. I'm just thankful that it happened. I don't even want to worry about how.

I really love these ladies. I love how they motivate me to be a better woman. They make me feel like I can do anything I want to do. Being around them allows me to think about my deeply rooted issues without feeling unworthy. I know we are all damaged, but if they can stand up on their own two feet, then so can I.

I find myself holding my breath. When will the drama set in? When will it all fall apart? When will we become too busy for each other? I hope that never happens. I know life will happen and things will change and evolve, but I have faith that we will be friends for a long, long time.

Not so little anymore

Yesterday my handsome little brother turned 11!

Since my mom just started her new job, I picked him up from school on Thursday and we spent the afternoon baking cupcakes for him to bring to school the next day for his birthday. He wanted chocolate cupcakes with sprinkles. So that's what we made....

I think they turned out pretty well. I need a new camera. The flash looks terrible.

Afterwards we went to the park for my boot camp class and he played with the other kids while I got my booty handed to me. By the time I got home and finished icing and sprinkling I was starving so I whipped up ...

Some Thai peanut salad. It was seriously delicious if I may say so myself.

Here's how...

Whip up a little peanut sauce in your food processor. I really like that recipe, but I didn't measure anything, plus I added a little sugar because it wasn't quite sweet enough, and a little bit of peanut oil. I also cut the recipe in half and it was more than enough. Next time I would make it a little more runny for this salad. Put it in the fridge.

Then make chicken cutlets by butterflying boneless, skinless chicken breasts, but cut it all the way through. If it is a bit uneven, cover the chicken with a piece of plastic wrap and give it a few whacks with a skillet. Squeeze lime over the chicken, rub with curry powder and a pinch of salt, and grill.

Toss spinach leaves in a mixture of soy sauce, rice vinegar, and vegetable oil. Top with sliced avocado, strawberries, cucumber, and mango.

Put the chicken and peanut sauce on top of your beautiful salad and enjoy the most delicious healthy meal you have had in a long time. Yummm.....

Even the birthday boy ate it. I was pretty impressed.

Yesterday when I was writing in his card, I realized that I was eleven exactly eleven years ago on the day he was born. Isn't that amazing? He is getting so big!

I know what I don't know

I am feeling much better today. I'm almost myself, and I have a HUGE appetite. I guess thats what happens when you cant eat for almost two days.

Do any of you read Nie Nie? When I see pictures of her family, it makes me baby crazy. Like absolutely baby insane. She had 4 beautiful little nuggets by the time she was 26. I think that sounds awesome. If I told my hubs that was my plan of action, he would probably have a heart attack.

The other day we had some friends over and one of them peppered us with questions about our plan of action. It kind of freaked me out. I was talking to another friend about how I felt uncomfortable when I realized why. I don't even know what our plan is, so how could I talk about it with someone else? Especially someone else who I rarely even see or talk to. I wish I had had enough insight to tell the interrogator that. I would have loved to tactfully say, "You know, interrogator, we are still trying to figure out what we want to do, so I'm not quite ready to talk about it."

Unfortunately, I'm not quite so witty. The thing is, friends, I think I have reached a new place in life. I'm not sure which is better for my life right now; becoming a mommy, or enjoying the married life without love nuggets. I think they both sound lovely. So what I have decided to do is be content with either option. Whatever happens, happens. I'm gonna give up a little control. I'm not trying to make a baby, but if it happens, I will be elated.

I know that some people will think that is irresponsible and stupid. I would have to disagree in this instance. My husband is ok with this no plan of a plan. I am ok with it. So what's wrong with it? Giving up control is a big step for me. It's not something that I usually do. But this time (at least for today), I'm doing it. I'm not really freaking out. I know we are in it together-whatever happens.

So now that I have figured out that I don't have anything figured out, I thought I would share it with you all.

Barf.

Yesterday I stopped at taco bell because I was starving.

And then I went to the chalk art festival with my friend Lori. It should have been awesome, but it was super hot and I was feeling queasy. There were some beautiful works of art, but I was a little distracted by the bean burrito that kept trying to make its way out of my throat and back into my mouth.

On my way home I barfed. In the car. I tried to make it into my leftover taco bell cup but some of it missed and got all over my jeans. And then I got home and barfed some more. And then I took a shower and barfed again. And again. And again. I kept barfing and you-know-whatting until the only thing left to come out was that lovely yellow stomach acid that makes your teeth feel funny. And then I cried myself to sleep.

I'm never eating taco bell again.

And just as a bonus I have a washing machine full of clothes covered in fluids that my body rejected.

Sorry that was so disgusting.

Date Night

Last night Mike and I had a much needed date night. It was SO much fun! It was exactly what we needed to focus in on each other and take a break from all the stresses in life.

First, we decided to try something new for dinner since we haven't been living here long. We decided on Union American Bistro and it was a GREAT choice. I had an electric pearl martini that was the most delicious thing I've ever tasted. Mike ordered the lobster bisque and the open-faced steak sandwich. I ordered the blackened Mahi sandwich with mango pico de gallo. We are food people and this stuff got us excited. We switched plates half way so that we could each have a little of both entrees. We will definitely be going back to Union. It was delish! We also found out that they have a great happy hour during the week, and on Saturdays are $5 martinis.

The best part about dinner was the chance to just talk and relax. We talked about our week, we talked about our dinner, we talked about when we want to be parents. It was such a great opportunity to get things off of our chest without any pressure.

After diner we went to the movies. We saw The Killers with Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl. It was a good romcom without too much mush for Mike, but not too violent for me to enjoy.

Last night got me so excited for our anniversary. One year is a pretty big deal! I'm glad we still like each other. Just three more weeks...

Kick Start

I think people think I'm a hypochondriac. That little insecurity makes me HATE going to the doctor. But something I hate almost as much as going to the doctor is being fat.

On Tuesday I signed up for an outdoor boot camp. It was miserable. I couldn't breathe. I am definitely the youngest in the class, and I am one of the least overweight, but I just couldn't keep up. My lungs were screaming. My legs were jello. I wasn't sure whether I was going to cry or barf.

So... dying at boot camp combined with abnormal exhaustion that I have been whining about on here was the combination I needed to make a Dr's appointment.

This morning I gave them three lovely vials of my blood in return for a nice little script for new allergy meds and an inhaler. And guess what...

Today I kicked ass at boot camp. I ran and did push ups and burpees and pull ups and lunges. I was tired but I sure as hell wasn't defeated. Those 8 blasts of albuterol did wonders for my lungs. I wish I had gone to the doctor a long time ago.

I should get the results back from my blood draw soon. I would assume that considering I had my period for almost three weeks, I'm going to have low levels of something.

Either way, I'm just thankful that I have my allergies and asthma under control. It's the boost I needed to get in gear. I have to admit...today I bought an old lady swimsuit. The kind with a skirt on it to cover up my ass. I'm gonna leave the tags on and hopefully I can return it at some point. I guess we'll see.

Mmmm...

Today I baked some cupcakes. Here's how....

Prepare a box of vanilla cake mix as directed. Add the zest of a lemon or two. If you want it extra lemony, replace the water with lemon juice.

Pour the mix into a muffin pan sprayed with baking spray.

Stick a few raspberries into each muffin cup.

Bake at 350 until the cupcakes are just beginning to turn golden brown.

For the frosting...

Combine 1 lb. of powdered sugar with one stick of softened butter and some raspberries in your mixer. I used a whole package but I don't think you need that many.

Add freshly squeezed lemon juice until the frosting is the consistency you are looking for.

I have plenty of leftover frosting, so either save the leftovers for another treat, or cut the recipe in half.

Voila! Lemony Frosted Raspberry Cupcakes!!

Let me tell ya...these little beauties are delish. Hopefully I can get some pictures up soon.

A Trip

Since Saturday I have been staying in DC with my in laws. It has been a long week.

We have toured George Washington's house, museum, distillery, and mill. We have walked through the Smithsonian and paid our respects at the WWII Memorial.

This week has made me think about this country in a way that I never have before. It has been thought provoking and has sent me into a tailspin of introspection. I feel a great sense of pride for my country. I am proud to be an American. I am thankful to live in a country that protects my liberty. There are no words to express how thankful I am for those who have lost their lives to protect that freedom.

It has also made me think about the women. Women have been a vital part of history that we don't know much about. They were there, behind the scenes, supporting their husbands through thick and thin. This country wouldn't be where it is now if it weren't for the women who nursed soldiers back to health, mourned the loss of loved ones, cared for their family and their home, and humbly took little or no credit for what they did.

I want to be that support system for my husband. I know he can do great things. I want to be his right hand man, his partner in crime. I don't need credit. His love is enough. I know what I am capable of. I am a great caretaker, a great cook, a maternal figure. I am smart and thoughtful. I'm also awkward...

That is the other reason this week has been long. I have no idea how to interact with my mother in law. We don't understand each other. We don't speak the same figurative language. I try to smile and be pleasant and enjoy her company. It works for a little while but then I get worn down. I don't like being told what to do. I really don't think she realizes that she is completely incapable of suggesting. She bosses. I am a grown woman. I am capable of taking care of myself. I don't need anyone to tell me how to live my life. I have to remind myself that she has good intentions. She has always been that way, and I don't need to be so defensive. It's just hard. I wish she could see what there is to love about me. I think she is baffled as to why her son chose me. I know I'm awkward. I know I don't know all of the ins and outs of social expectations. I don't know what to say most of the time. Sometimes I just want to scream that I took care of myself and my younger siblings. I want to scream that I am independent and smart in different ways that she will never understand.

I will never be Catholic.

I will probably never be a military wife or work for the government.

I will never be "East Coast".

I will never completely understand the high society expectations that she considers common knowledge.

But I will always be...

Loving

Compassionate

A free spirit

A great cook

Creative

Intelligent

Committed

Capable

I hope some day she can past what I'm not and know who I am. I hope some day I can ignore her unintentional jabs and focus on what is so great about her. I know what a great mother she is. She raised the best sons I have ever known. She loves them unconditionally.

I'm working on growing some thicker skin. I want to be the best woman I can be. I want to be the best wife and the best American I can be. I think those are some big shoes to fill.