Isn't its strange that when you go to church, it feels like the speaker can see in your brain? Usually, whatever it is that I was dealing with that week is exactly what is talked about in the service.
Today after we were done singing praises, the pastor said, "I can sense that there are people here feeling anxious, people who may be fighting depression". And then he looked right at me. In a room full of hundreds of people he made eye contact with me. I started crying.
Because, you see, this week I have been fighting depression and anxiety. In my new found race to "get healthy", I have gotten obsessed. I have started nit-picking every aspect of my body. Every day when I step on the scale and the numbers don't change I start to hate myself a little more. I resent every imperfection. The deflated breasts, the acne, the love handles. I have become so focused on my imperfections that I can't see anything else. I can't see my big green eyes. Or my thick, shiny hair. I can't see anything I like. I have even cried myself to sleep thinking about how ugly I feel.
This is just not me. I always fight so hard to love myself. If I sense myself slipping into self-consciousness I drag myself right out of the hole. I do EVERYTHING in my power to appreciate all the beautiful things about myself. But this week that has been too big of a mountain for me to climb. Maybe my positive attitude is what allowed me to get fat. If I had focused on my thighs a little more, maybe they wouldn't be so big.
It's no way to live. I am mentally abusing myself every time I think I have fallen short.
So today when the guest speaker taught us about love, it was exactly what I needed to hear.
Because I was fearfully and wonderfully made.
God loves me. He is in love with me. I am breaking his heart every time I let a self-loathing thought pass through my brain. I know this, but I didn't want to hear it. If I let myself feel God's love, I might start loving myself, and that is just too hard. So in hating myself I am pushing everyone else away.
When Mike whispers, "you're beautiful" I say "no". When he says, "I'm so attracted to you", I say, "not". I won't let anyone else love me because I can't even love myself.
It sounds so obvious, but I have to let this thinking stop. Knowing I will be seen in a swimsuit in a few months is becoming much too significant. It's getting in the way of my life.
I just need to learn how to eat healthy, exercise, and love myself, all at the same time. I'm not sure I know how to do that. I need some other motivation besides hatred. I need to let myself be filled with God's love. I need to let that love leak out to the people around me. My friends don't need such a disconnected friend, and my husband certainly doesn't need a wife who can't even sleep next to him without thinking how much I hate when he touches me.
I need to learn how to love. I need to remember that I was fearfully and wonderfully made.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Time to Clear the Clutter
About a week ago I was spending some much needed time with one of my friends who lives out of town. She was in town for the holidays and drove an hour and a half to see me before I headed to DC.
This friend is one of those soul mate friends. The kind that knows your past, present, and future. The kind that you can go months without talking to but will still understand you.
This friend gave me a reality check. She caught me at a weak moment. I was flustered with trying to pack and make diner and spend quality time with her all at once. I was frustrated that nothing seemed to fit and that none of my clothes seemed just right to pack.
Talking to her that night was like looking in a mirror. I saw my flaws. She so gracefully and lovingly pointed out the places where I am lacking. She made me feel like I could fix it.
My life has gotten cluttered. I can blame it on the holidays, or finals, or work or anything else, but really there is no excuse. My house always feels messy. My car is a wreck. I loathe everything in my closet. My body is even annoying. The clutter in my life was starting to get in my head.
Why not fix it? Why not donate every single piece of clothing in my closet that I don't love. I would rather wear clothes that fit well and make me feel good than have a whole closet full of clothes that I bought for no reason. Why did I buy them in the first place? They were on sale? I felt like shopping? I keep buying cheap shit that I don't love instead of spending a little extra on things that are classic and high-quality.
And my closet is just the beginning. I feel like I need to clean my whole life out. I'm working on it. Having less goes further. It makes me feel more in control.
I'm thankful that I had someone who could remind me. It's funny how you relearn things that you already know. Even though it's getting better, I'm sure I will need another reminder. Luckily, I have amazing people in my life who aren't afraid to set me straight.
This friend is one of those soul mate friends. The kind that knows your past, present, and future. The kind that you can go months without talking to but will still understand you.
This friend gave me a reality check. She caught me at a weak moment. I was flustered with trying to pack and make diner and spend quality time with her all at once. I was frustrated that nothing seemed to fit and that none of my clothes seemed just right to pack.
Talking to her that night was like looking in a mirror. I saw my flaws. She so gracefully and lovingly pointed out the places where I am lacking. She made me feel like I could fix it.
My life has gotten cluttered. I can blame it on the holidays, or finals, or work or anything else, but really there is no excuse. My house always feels messy. My car is a wreck. I loathe everything in my closet. My body is even annoying. The clutter in my life was starting to get in my head.
Why not fix it? Why not donate every single piece of clothing in my closet that I don't love. I would rather wear clothes that fit well and make me feel good than have a whole closet full of clothes that I bought for no reason. Why did I buy them in the first place? They were on sale? I felt like shopping? I keep buying cheap shit that I don't love instead of spending a little extra on things that are classic and high-quality.
And my closet is just the beginning. I feel like I need to clean my whole life out. I'm working on it. Having less goes further. It makes me feel more in control.
I'm thankful that I had someone who could remind me. It's funny how you relearn things that you already know. Even though it's getting better, I'm sure I will need another reminder. Luckily, I have amazing people in my life who aren't afraid to set me straight.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
A new year, a new start
I started this blog at the beginning of 2010. It started off with a list. A list meant to guide me, to define my goals, to inspire me. It said:
This has been a long year of stumbling, learning, and loving. I have overcome depression and the loss of losing a life I so desperately wanted to bring into the world. I have graduated with a degree that I was never fully convinced I would reach. I have fallen even more in love with my husband. I have been fired and hired more than once. We have purchase our first home which I have both loved and hated.
Most importantly, I have learned how resilient I am. I can do it. I believe in myself.
Respect my body
Think locally
Eat more veggies
Trust that God's plan is infinitely better than mine
Paint more often
Love where I live
Express myself
Read
Finish school (with acceptable grades)
Be a better friend
Pray
I have been planing on going back to that list for the last few days, but I was nervous about what I would find. Did I reach my goals or did I let life get in the way? I wasn't sure I was ready for the answer.
Luckily I think I did a pretty good job.
I have learned the hard way that this body is the only one I get, so I better learn to love it. Of course it is a daily struggle, but I think I have gained more respect for my body over the last year. I have gained a few pounds, but I don't loathe it the way I used to.
I joined a local co-op which has helped me to think locally and eat more veggies. I definitely think it has helped me to consider where my food comes from, what organizations I support with my business, and stretched me to cook meals with what I have, including some ingredients that I would not usually buy.
Trusting in God's plan is another ongoing battle. I think it will take a lifetime to become fully trusting of what God has in store for me. But, I do think I have learned a lot about this goal over the last year. God has really placed some trials along my path, and although they filled me with grief or fear or frustration at first, they were all great lessons that God is carrying me through.
I haven't been painting or taking pictures or reading. That is a goal that I am extending to 2012. I let life get in the way in this instance, but in this New Year with some of my newly found time I think I am going to explore my creative outlets.
I have really begun to love where I live. Living in a little suburban town that is so family-oriented has definitely been a struggle when I don't have any children in my home or in my belly. I found myself wondering why we chose here and now. But, now I can say that I'm glad. The clouds have lifted, and the idea of beginning our family brings joy to me again. It is something to work towards, and knowing we have a stable home to bring babies home to is a great thing. Our town is adorable, and full of people who get out of their homes to hike, or bike, or try out new little restaurants, or spend time in the fresh air with their families. That is a beautiful thing.
I finished school!! It wasn't easy. Especially when there were a few weeks where I had a hard time dragging myself out of bed at all. But I did it! I am now I college graduate. I'm still waiting for it to sink in.
Be a better friend. This year I have made some great new friends. They have helped me learn even more about myself. My friends, new and old, have goven me a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and a reminder that we all have unique attributes to offer. My friendships have also been tested. No one else can understand what I have gone through in the last year. They don't know why I want kids or why a miscarriage still haunts me. They don't know why I chose to get married so young or why we bought our home. These things have been had for me to understand, but they have taught me to respect my own path and respect theirs. It's ok if they don't get it. They still have so much to offer to our friendship. I aim to be more forgiving and full of grace in the next year. To see life through their eyes, and understanding when we don't see things quite the same.
Pray. I always need to pray more. God is my best friend, but sometimes I don't treat Him like it. If it was an earthly relationship our distance might not be so easily forgiven. When I have the urge to pick up the phone, I need to remember to pray. Talking to God is much more effective than venting or gossiping to other flawed people like me.
I have been planing on going back to that list for the last few days, but I was nervous about what I would find. Did I reach my goals or did I let life get in the way? I wasn't sure I was ready for the answer.
Luckily I think I did a pretty good job.
I have learned the hard way that this body is the only one I get, so I better learn to love it. Of course it is a daily struggle, but I think I have gained more respect for my body over the last year. I have gained a few pounds, but I don't loathe it the way I used to.
I joined a local co-op which has helped me to think locally and eat more veggies. I definitely think it has helped me to consider where my food comes from, what organizations I support with my business, and stretched me to cook meals with what I have, including some ingredients that I would not usually buy.
Trusting in God's plan is another ongoing battle. I think it will take a lifetime to become fully trusting of what God has in store for me. But, I do think I have learned a lot about this goal over the last year. God has really placed some trials along my path, and although they filled me with grief or fear or frustration at first, they were all great lessons that God is carrying me through.
I haven't been painting or taking pictures or reading. That is a goal that I am extending to 2012. I let life get in the way in this instance, but in this New Year with some of my newly found time I think I am going to explore my creative outlets.
I have really begun to love where I live. Living in a little suburban town that is so family-oriented has definitely been a struggle when I don't have any children in my home or in my belly. I found myself wondering why we chose here and now. But, now I can say that I'm glad. The clouds have lifted, and the idea of beginning our family brings joy to me again. It is something to work towards, and knowing we have a stable home to bring babies home to is a great thing. Our town is adorable, and full of people who get out of their homes to hike, or bike, or try out new little restaurants, or spend time in the fresh air with their families. That is a beautiful thing.
I finished school!! It wasn't easy. Especially when there were a few weeks where I had a hard time dragging myself out of bed at all. But I did it! I am now I college graduate. I'm still waiting for it to sink in.
Be a better friend. This year I have made some great new friends. They have helped me learn even more about myself. My friends, new and old, have goven me a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and a reminder that we all have unique attributes to offer. My friendships have also been tested. No one else can understand what I have gone through in the last year. They don't know why I want kids or why a miscarriage still haunts me. They don't know why I chose to get married so young or why we bought our home. These things have been had for me to understand, but they have taught me to respect my own path and respect theirs. It's ok if they don't get it. They still have so much to offer to our friendship. I aim to be more forgiving and full of grace in the next year. To see life through their eyes, and understanding when we don't see things quite the same.
Pray. I always need to pray more. God is my best friend, but sometimes I don't treat Him like it. If it was an earthly relationship our distance might not be so easily forgiven. When I have the urge to pick up the phone, I need to remember to pray. Talking to God is much more effective than venting or gossiping to other flawed people like me.
This has been a long year of stumbling, learning, and loving. I have overcome depression and the loss of losing a life I so desperately wanted to bring into the world. I have graduated with a degree that I was never fully convinced I would reach. I have fallen even more in love with my husband. I have been fired and hired more than once. We have purchase our first home which I have both loved and hated.
Most importantly, I have learned how resilient I am. I can do it. I believe in myself.
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