I think I like him

Mikey is being really really nice to me. He even texted me "I love you" randomly this morning. I was feeling like a big hot mess of guilt, and he kept on lovin on me. He said he thinks our "talk" made him feel a lot better. Funny, it made me feel awful, but I guess he was relieved and now he feels really affectionate. I won't complain.


Yesterday we went to a bridal shower. I wasn't looking forward to it because I think the groom is a big you-know-what. It wasn't too bad. It actually made me kind of happy. I really like weddings. I would really like to get married again. But to the same guy. Is that allowed? He is awfully sweet.

A hard realization.

Yesterday I had an epiphany. Not a very good one. I realized that I haven't been being the best wife I can be. That's a hard pill to swallow. The thing is, I have become a very unmotivated person lately. And no, by lately I don't mean the last 3 weeks or so. I mean the last year or so. I feel defeated. I feel useless. I feel like I had been putting on my happy face but crying out for help at the same time. Something is just wrong. I don't know if it's hormonal or chemical or thyroid or just plain emotional, but I need to fix it. I think this recent situation is just what made me hit rock bottom. It's also what made a few people around me get worried enough about me to say something.

Here's the thing; I have a wonderful life. I have more than I ever dreamed of. My husband loves me, and takes care of me, and is much more patient with me than I deserve. I have a great home, a great family, great friends, and so many opportunities. There is no reason that I shouldn't be happy all the time, but the truth is, I feel tired and defeated most of the time.

As my grandmother said, "I'm sitting pretty".

And you know who is taking up the slack? Mike. He is pulling way more than his fair share of the weight and it's pretty sad that I have been so blind.

I feel so overwhelmed with life, that I literally do nothing. That's gross. I'm embarrassed to say that. No wonder he is too tired to be affectionate. No wonder he gets frustrated with me. How did it take me this long to see that?

I'm gonna try to do something to fix it.

Nix that-- I am gonna fix it.

I'm just scared. This realization makes me feel even more overwhelmed. I feel like I have all the tools to pick myself up and make this right, but I have forgotten how to use them.

Last night I had a total breakdown. I apologized to Mike for being such a terrible wife. I cried until I couldn't see. Of course, he accepted my apology and forgave me. Of course, he told me he just wants to look ahead and not focus on the bad stuff. And of course, he reminded me that I don't have to do it all at once and that I just have to start with "baby steps".

See what a great man I have? I don't deserve him. Sometimes I really have no idea why on earth God blessed me with him. I don't know what he sees in me.

Bittersweet

I'm home. Bittersweet. How am I feeling? I feel like getting pregnant again sounds like the scariest idea in the world. A baby sounds nice, but all the fear that would come along with that might be unbearable. I hope I change my mind eventually. For now, can we please go to Mexico and lay and the beach and drink margaritas and not think about anything??

Big blue eyes

Praise the Lawd for antibiotics!! I have clear skin for the first time in a long time!

I'm feeling pretty good. Today I went shopping and bought some new sterling silver flower bud earrings that are pretty groovy, and I'm really appreciating the new highlights I got on Saturday and my clear skin. Even my PG-13 boobs aren't so bad because they are distracting from my tummy.

MIkey just called and said "Hey, purty girl"

:)

And now I get to go see the most adorable little nugget in the whole wide world. Her name is Norah and she is gorgeous. She looks just like Mike with big blue eyes. Hooray!

Waking up from the NIghtmare

I went ahead and flew to LA yesterday with Mike. He will be working during the day, and we had been planning on sight-seeing a bit in the evenings. I figured that all the alone time might be a good thing if I put my mind to relaxing.

Lately, I have been pretty much an emotional roller-coaster. Most of the time, I am totally OK. I know we can try again soon, I'm glad I can drink and go tubing at the lake, and I'm glad the morning sickness is gone. Sometimes, though, I feel really weak. If I think too hard or let myself feel too much I feel empty and useless. I know it's not true, but I almost feel like less of a woman right now. I failed at carrying a baby, I can't be "romantic", and I am not very motivated to do anything, so what am I good for? Intellectually, I know that's ridiculous, but I still have a hard time not letting that insecurity seep in when I'm at my weakest.

I'm gonna be fine though. I have this whole week in California to clear my mind, and then I'm going to the lake with my friends and family this weekend. I think sunshine, good company, waves, and beer, will do me some good.

It was all just a very bad nightmare, and after enough good dreams, it will be just a distant memory.

Surgery

Wow. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have him. Mike has taken great care of me the last few days. He really has been my rock. I don't know how he can be so strong when we have gone through such a rough time, but he does it.

So what he didn't tell you is that yesterday I had another ultrasound. We went in frustrated and sad and all mixed up with a list of questions that we wished we had asked on Tuesday. I had a new doctor that I felt more comfortable with and who was very clear about what was happening.

When he did the ultrasound, not only did he not see a heartbeat, but the whole mass had changed. It had gotten much bigger in just the last few days, and was shaped like an overgrown circus peanut. It was even starting to disintegrate on one side and was surrounded by fluid. As hard as it was, I was a little relieved to know that there was no chance that it was a viable pregnancy. I don't think I could have handled any what-ifs or go-home-and-see-what-happens'. If it was over, I wanted it to really be over.

The doctor highly recommended having it surgically removed as soon as possible. Since it was growing so quickly, and had become such a huge mass, he thought it would just be way too much bleeding for me to pass naturally or with the help of medication. He warned that doing so would be extremely physically and emotionally draining, and that waiting could even allow the placenta to keep getting bigger and bigger.

He asked the receptionists to get me in to the OR sometime that day, and then give me a call. I got the phone call right after we drove away. They wanted me to drive straight to the hospital to get ready for surgery. When they started prepping me, I realized that this wasn't going to be as quick and simple as I had imagined. I was in the gynecological operating wing hooked up to IVs and being prepped for anesthesia. I had compression cuffs on my legs, and my hair cover by a blue net. They gave my wedding ring to my husband. Then they told me all about the risks and made me sign a waiver saying that I would consent to a blood transfusion in the event that it was necessary.

All of the doctors and nurses kept telling me that they were so sorry for our loss. Surprisingly that made it even harder for me. I wanted to pretend that I was just there for something else. Something like having my appendix or my tonsils removed. I just couldn't let myself think that they were removing that blob of cells that I had become so attached to.

After surgery I slept for about two hours in the recovery room, and then they made sure that I was going to wake up and helped me get dressed. Mom-Mom and Mike had been waiting for me the whole time. Mom-Mom took me home and stopped to get me a pink star at Jamba juice since I hadn't eaten all day. Mike went to go get some things for work and then he went to Walmart to get my prescriptions filled and pick up a few things I needed.

Today I'm feeling much better. I'm still recovering a bit, but I'm not seeing double or in too much pain anymore. My throat hurts from the breathing tube, but I think that will get better soon also.

I'm a little relieved that now I can shut the door to this awful chapter in my life and start moving on. Like Mike said, it has also been a learning experience. We have grown in our marriage. We have realized how many people love us and care about us. We have realized that we are ready to be parents when our time comes.

Thank you for all of your prayers and kind words. It has meant the world to us.

Love and Support

So this is officially my first post on my wife's blog. She has tried so hard to get me to do this for some time now. So here we go.

The last week has been a hell of an emotional journey. Despite having our high hopes dashed, I have tried to focus on the positive things that have come out of this experience. We have seen an incredible outpouring of support from our family and friends. The fact that so many people are looking out for our well being brings me a huge sense of security. I know that all of our family and friends are constantly looking out for us.

This experience has also brought me closer to my wife. It is IMPOSSIBLE to go through such a difficult time in life without the love and support of your loved one. I have an incredible appreciation for what my wife means to me. It tears me up inside when she is feeling so much emotional pain. I know that I could never truly understand what she is going through (because I have the wrong parts), but I wish that I could take her pain away. She is a strong woman and she will be able to get through this, but I wish that I could do more to help. I have tried my hardest to be the rock for her these last few weeks. I want her to know that she means so much to me. This is the list of some (the list is too long) of the things that I love about her. I love: her creativity, her huge heart, her friendship, her love, her company, her cooking, her personality, her lack of athletic ability, her rockin ghetto booty...ok so now i'm a little off topic, but I just want everyone to know that I DIG her!

We will continue to get through this difficult time together as a team. I know that this is just a small bump in the road when it comes to the bigger picture. It will be our turn in the near future.

Not strong today.

There was no heartbeat.

This morning I went in for my 2nd ultrasound hoping for some good news. I didn't get any. She saw the sac very clearly and was surprised that the other doctor and midwife couldn't find anything last week. Then she zoomed in on where the fetus should be flickering by now. Nothing.

She said there should definitely be a heartbeat right now, and that I am probably miscarrying. I guess my progesterone levels were low last week but no one told me that. I have been spotting a little but, but nothing telling had happened.

I guess now I'm just supposed to wait until my body takes care of this. I'm having a really rough time. Mike drove me home and we have been laying in bed almost all day. It keeps coming over me in waves that its over. I don't want it to be over. And if it has to be, I want it to be now. I don't want to wait around for the red flag to remind me that it's a sure thing.

This is so hard. I don't know why God would let me get pregnant in the first place if it wasn't going to work out. I go in for another ultrasound on Friday just to make sure. I don't want to go see a bunch of happy mommies-to-be with swollen tummies. I don't want to fight the tears and swallow the lump in my throat.

I can be strong another day. Today I think I will just lie in bed and cry.

Relief!!

6,500!!!!!

Yep, that's right, my HCG levels are right on track! Hooray!! I am even more relieved than I thought I would be. I thought I would need the ultrasound to chill a little bit, but I am already feeling so much better. I have been emotionally EXHAUSTED the last few days and I needed a little good news.

And guess what... It's our anniversary weekend!! Hooray! On Saturday we will have been married for a whole year! I'm glad I am letting myself finally get excited. I went to go buy some cute lingerie for the weekend, but I just couldn't bear to buy anything big enough to fit my swollen boobs into. In high school I didn't even need to wear a bra because I was so flat, and now my nipples are popping out of my D cup. Next thing you know I'm gonna have to buy some of those big lady bras from target so that I don't bust out a boob in front of someones kid.

What are you meant to do when your boobs start growing by the minute? I mean, seriously? What do women do? I'm only a few weeks preggo and I'm already ballooning. Thank God it's not my ass. I think I would just lay in bed and cry if it were my ass.

Anyway, despite the fact that doctors have done a grand l job of scaring the you-know-what out of me this week, and despite the fact that all of my modest shirts have become PG-13, I am making up my mind to have a great weekend. I'm gonna eat good food, drink (fake) champagne, and spend some quality time with my boo.

Keep up the prayers! We need to see a heartbeat on Tuesday!!

Hope

Yesterday and this morning have been days of hope and faith. There is still fear in the back of my mind but I have managed to push it back so that it can't take over my life and paralyze me.

Yesterday I babysat for a lovely lady named Krista who has a 1 yr. old, an almost 3 yr. old, and a 30 week along bun in the oven. Her lovely kiddos kept me busy all day so that my mind couldn't wander. When Krista got home her kind words fed my hope. She had a similar experience with the love nugget she is carrying right now. Her doctors couldn't find it in her first ultrasound and told her it could be ectopic which would mean the pregnancy would have to be terminated. Obviously everything ended up fine, and she has had a generally healthy pregnancy since then. She told me that all you can do is be happy that you are pregnant today, and not worry about tomorrow. I keep reminding myself of that bit of wisdom. I haven't miscarried yet, so I am happy that I am pregnant today. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I will do my best to leave the worrying to God.

Krista is a strong woman. Her husband is deployed in the desert for the 2nd or 3rd time. It is a year long deployment and he will miss the birth of their 3rd child. His oldest will be almost four when he is home again. She has been raising those beautiful babies on her own, yet she keeps a positive outlook on life. If she can be strong, so can I.

Today I go in for more blood work. I hope that tonight I will be getting a call telling me that my HCG levels have doubled. I hope that on Tuesday there will be something to see on the ultrasound screen. I hope that this was all just an overreaction and that everything is fine. I have faith that God won't give me anything I can't handle, and I am thankful that I have a loving man who will love me and be by my side no matter what happens.