A hard realization.

Yesterday I had an epiphany. Not a very good one. I realized that I haven't been being the best wife I can be. That's a hard pill to swallow. The thing is, I have become a very unmotivated person lately. And no, by lately I don't mean the last 3 weeks or so. I mean the last year or so. I feel defeated. I feel useless. I feel like I had been putting on my happy face but crying out for help at the same time. Something is just wrong. I don't know if it's hormonal or chemical or thyroid or just plain emotional, but I need to fix it. I think this recent situation is just what made me hit rock bottom. It's also what made a few people around me get worried enough about me to say something.

Here's the thing; I have a wonderful life. I have more than I ever dreamed of. My husband loves me, and takes care of me, and is much more patient with me than I deserve. I have a great home, a great family, great friends, and so many opportunities. There is no reason that I shouldn't be happy all the time, but the truth is, I feel tired and defeated most of the time.

As my grandmother said, "I'm sitting pretty".

And you know who is taking up the slack? Mike. He is pulling way more than his fair share of the weight and it's pretty sad that I have been so blind.

I feel so overwhelmed with life, that I literally do nothing. That's gross. I'm embarrassed to say that. No wonder he is too tired to be affectionate. No wonder he gets frustrated with me. How did it take me this long to see that?

I'm gonna try to do something to fix it.

Nix that-- I am gonna fix it.

I'm just scared. This realization makes me feel even more overwhelmed. I feel like I have all the tools to pick myself up and make this right, but I have forgotten how to use them.

Last night I had a total breakdown. I apologized to Mike for being such a terrible wife. I cried until I couldn't see. Of course, he accepted my apology and forgave me. Of course, he told me he just wants to look ahead and not focus on the bad stuff. And of course, he reminded me that I don't have to do it all at once and that I just have to start with "baby steps".

See what a great man I have? I don't deserve him. Sometimes I really have no idea why on earth God blessed me with him. I don't know what he sees in me.