What I Would Like to Tell My OBGYN

I want to try again. I'm ready.

I know I don't have to explain myself or convince you that I'm ready, because if I say I am then you have to help me, but maybe I just need to say it out loud. Or, just so you know where I'm coming from.

The last time I had a baby growing inside me, I put my hand on my belly and prayed every night that everything would be OK. I prayed that they would grow into a happy and healthy little baby that would someday grow into a happy and healthy person. I told God that I needed it to work because I couldn't handle another failure.

But I did handle it. That baby-to-be never was. It didn't grow anymore after 9 weeks. I found out when I was almost to 12 weeks. When I was almost "safe".

For a week I was angry. I was bitter. I didn't want to see a baby, or a kid, or a growing belly ever again. I wanted nothing to do with it. I made up my mind that I would choose another life. I would leave this house with empty rooms that were meant for nurseries behind. I would sell my car that got great safety reviews. I would drive out of this safe suburban neighborhood and never look back. I wanted a sports car, a huge rock, and a trendy new wardrobe. I wanted an apartment in a city far away.

Then the bitter started wearing off. I started letting the tears fall. I started smiling when I saw beautiful families. I started feeling again.

And then I remembered. Those things mean nothing to me. I'm a mom at heart. I will be a great mom. I will love being a mom. Something would always be missing if I gave up.

I married a wonderful man that will be an amazing father. My parents will make wonderful grandparents. And for my grandparents, nothing would make them happier than seeing my dreams come true.

I'm ready to be a mom. I'm ready to try this time. Even if I fail again, it is worth every effort. I'm not ready to give up. I'm never going to give up.

I don't care if my babies are pink, or brown, or purple. I don't care if they come out of me, or someone else. I don't care how long it takes for them to be in my arms...they just need to get there. And this is where we start. Right here. In this office. You tell me what I need to do. You help me make a plan. My heart is still hurting, but I'm ready.

A half empty kind of day

See the glass half full, Kat.

You have to work one on one with a person who was ice cold to you when you met last week? It's an opportunity to get to know each other!

Your boss comes in to work in a sleep-deprived rage? It makes you stronger, Kat! Working through it helps her see that she can talk to you.

Ay yi yi. Today was rough. I feel much better now that I changed my perspective, but it's definitely time for bed.

Where the heck have I been?!?

Here's what...
I turned 23 and we all know what a birthday princess I am....
...and it wouldn't be a party without a few games of twister with my sis!......and then Mike smashed me in the face with a cupcake so of course I got him back.......did I mention that street clothes were not allowed?? Sweats only!...
A few days later my cuzzy (that cute brunette one right there) graduated from missionary school so we took a trip to Garden of the Gods to celebrate...
...and then my love Lori hosted an around the world party. I was Thailand. I brought curry, and we took silly prom pictures.......the next day we surprised my bestie with a party to celebrate her graduation from nursing school! Soo proud!......and last but CERTAINLY not least we took a little trip over the pond with our pals Bailey and Candice to MEXICO!......where of course I had a drink or two (or 20)....
...like I said, 20.....

So that's where I've been and what I've been up to!

What Lies Within Us

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."

I have been so focused on what I want to DO next. Do I want to get a "big girl" job? Do I want to stay where I am working part time with people I enjoy? Am I ready to start our family?

I have been allowing myself to become too defined by what I do. This weekend I have come to realize that I need to focus a little more on who I am. I have become overwhelmed with gratitude for the blessings I have in my life. I'm going to focus more on relationships. My friendships. The people who invest in my soul.

And what am I going to do? I just going to start turning some door knobs and see which doors are unlocked. I'm not entirely sure I want to get another job, but it can't hurt to keep tweaking my resume and applying to jobs. I feel God telling me to get ready and get moving, but I have no idea what I'm preparing for or moving towards.

The unknown is scary. But I think it can be exciting too. God has plans for me. He has everything all mapped out for me.

A challenge- Family Style

My brother-in-law and I have a very interesting relationship. It started out as a friendship. After I graduated from high school, my sister and I began spending every summer evening with My husband and his brother Dan. We went camping, went to the movies, sat on porches, and even played a few games of beer pong. As I was getting to know Mike, I was also getting to know Dan.

One evening before Mike and I were a couple, Dan and I sat on his bed and talked. We talked about girls and boys. We talked about past relationships and people who had done us wrong. We talked about our lives and marveled about what college would be like. Dan wasn't just the-guy-who-I-had-a-crush-on's-brother. He was my good friend.

That summer Mike and I fell in love and then I left for college at a liberal arts school in Kansas. We spent 3 or 4 months acting like love-sick puppies. It probably didn't help that Kansas is one of the most boring places on earth, and that I had mono for a big portion of the semester. Either way, I found myself wishing I was back in Colorado with my family and my boyfriend close. We spent hours talking on the phone and scheming a way to be closer to each other. At the end of the semester I transferred to CSU where Mike and Dan were. I had images of unicorns and rainbows in my head. I thought that everything would be perfect.

What I didn't realize, was the toll that my relationship with Mike was having on his counterpart, Dan. Dan had left for college with his own expectations and high hopes. He expected to spend all of his free time with Mike. He imagined rec sports teams and frat parties with the brother he had visited when he was in high school. But Mike's cool factor was wearing off. When I was in Kansas he spent all of his free time moping around, and after I moved, he spent all of his free time with me. He quit the fraternity and got serious about school. We started talking bout getting married and other grown-up things. Dan was angry. And he thought it was my fault.

I had stolen his brother. I had ruined his freshman year. Dan's frustration and resentment started to get between them. I always made an effort for all of us to hang out, but Dan didn't want to spend time with "us". He wanted to spend time with his brother. I was the enemy. He even started reporting to their mom. Their conservative, Catholic, military mom. "Kat is spending all of her time at our house" "I need my space" "This isn't what I signed up for". She instinctively defended her son. Now I was on her bad list too. It resulted in many aarguments and heated blow-outs.

But, I didn't go anywhere. They may have wished I would, but I didn't. I think when we got married they finally realized that I was going to be around for a long time, and that we better all get along or life wasn't going to be easy. All of a sudden their attitude changed and they started treating me like I was part of the family. I was weary, though. I was still angry that they had ostracized me so much. I was frustrated that Mike's choices had been blamed on me. It was harder for me to forgive and forget.

Time healed the wounds though. Dan made an especially concerted effort to show me that the past was behind us. He started looking out for me and calling me sis. He called on birthdays and anniversaries or when he heard I had been offered a job. The joking became light-hearted rather than stinging.
Dan has become a brother to me. I love him and I'm so proud of him. He is a strong young man, a committed marine, and a loving son and brother.

And now...he is moving in with us. I'm a little nervous. Three strong personalities with a volatile background could end very, very badly. I mean, I love him, but living together? That's a big step. I think we can do it. I hope we can. If we can get through the next 8 months conflict free, that will be a huge step. It could go either way. We could either get really sick of each other or become even closer. I guess we will see, but I have a good feeling about it. We have come a long way.

A lesson about love

Isn't its strange that when you go to church, it feels like the speaker can see in your brain? Usually, whatever it is that I was dealing with that week is exactly what is talked about in the service.

Today after we were done singing praises, the pastor said, "I can sense that there are people here feeling anxious, people who may be fighting depression". And then he looked right at me. In a room full of hundreds of people he made eye contact with me. I started crying.

Because, you see, this week I have been fighting depression and anxiety. In my new found race to "get healthy", I have gotten obsessed. I have started nit-picking every aspect of my body. Every day when I step on the scale and the numbers don't change I start to hate myself a little more. I resent every imperfection. The deflated breasts, the acne, the love handles. I have become so focused on my imperfections that I can't see anything else. I can't see my big green eyes. Or my thick, shiny hair. I can't see anything I like. I have even cried myself to sleep thinking about how ugly I feel.

This is just not me. I always fight so hard to love myself. If I sense myself slipping into self-consciousness I drag myself right out of the hole. I do EVERYTHING in my power to appreciate all the beautiful things about myself. But this week that has been too big of a mountain for me to climb. Maybe my positive attitude is what allowed me to get fat. If I had focused on my thighs a little more, maybe they wouldn't be so big.

It's no way to live. I am mentally abusing myself every time I think I have fallen short.

So today when the guest speaker taught us about love, it was exactly what I needed to hear.

Because I was fearfully and wonderfully made.

God loves me. He is in love with me. I am breaking his heart every time I let a self-loathing thought pass through my brain. I know this, but I didn't want to hear it. If I let myself feel God's love, I might start loving myself, and that is just too hard. So in hating myself I am pushing everyone else away.

When Mike whispers, "you're beautiful" I say "no". When he says, "I'm so attracted to you", I say, "not". I won't let anyone else love me because I can't even love myself.

It sounds so obvious, but I have to let this thinking stop. Knowing I will be seen in a swimsuit in a few months is becoming much too significant. It's getting in the way of my life.

I just need to learn how to eat healthy, exercise, and love myself, all at the same time. I'm not sure I know how to do that. I need some other motivation besides hatred. I need to let myself be filled with God's love. I need to let that love leak out to the people around me. My friends don't need such a disconnected friend, and my husband certainly doesn't need a wife who can't even sleep next to him without thinking how much I hate when he touches me.

I need to learn how to love. I need to remember that I was fearfully and wonderfully made.

Time to Clear the Clutter

About a week ago I was spending some much needed time with one of my friends who lives out of town. She was in town for the holidays and drove an hour and a half to see me before I headed to DC.

This friend is one of those soul mate friends. The kind that knows your past, present, and future. The kind that you can go months without talking to but will still understand you.

This friend gave me a reality check. She caught me at a weak moment. I was flustered with trying to pack and make diner and spend quality time with her all at once. I was frustrated that nothing seemed to fit and that none of my clothes seemed just right to pack.

Talking to her that night was like looking in a mirror. I saw my flaws. She so gracefully and lovingly pointed out the places where I am lacking. She made me feel like I could fix it.

My life has gotten cluttered. I can blame it on the holidays, or finals, or work or anything else, but really there is no excuse. My house always feels messy. My car is a wreck. I loathe everything in my closet. My body is even annoying. The clutter in my life was starting to get in my head.

Why not fix it? Why not donate every single piece of clothing in my closet that I don't love. I would rather wear clothes that fit well and make me feel good than have a whole closet full of clothes that I bought for no reason. Why did I buy them in the first place? They were on sale? I felt like shopping? I keep buying cheap shit that I don't love instead of spending a little extra on things that are classic and high-quality.

And my closet is just the beginning. I feel like I need to clean my whole life out. I'm working on it. Having less goes further. It makes me feel more in control.

I'm thankful that I had someone who could remind me. It's funny how you relearn things that you already know. Even though it's getting better, I'm sure I will need another reminder. Luckily, I have amazing people in my life who aren't afraid to set me straight.

A new year, a new start

I started this blog at the beginning of 2010. It started off with a list. A list meant to guide me, to define my goals, to inspire me. It said:

Respect my body

Think locally

Eat more veggies

Trust that God's plan is infinitely better than mine

Paint more often

Love where I live

Express myself

Read

Finish school (with acceptable grades)

Be a better friend

Pray

I have been planing on going back to that list for the last few days, but I was nervous about what I would find. Did I reach my goals or did I let life get in the way? I wasn't sure I was ready for the answer.
Luckily I think I did a pretty good job.

I have learned the hard way that this body is the only one I get, so I better learn to love it. Of course it is a daily struggle, but I think I have gained more respect for my body over the last year. I have gained a few pounds, but I don't loathe it the way I used to.

I joined a local co-op which has helped me to think locally and eat more veggies. I definitely think it has helped me to consider where my food comes from, what organizations I support with my business, and stretched me to cook meals with what I have, including some ingredients that I would not usually buy.

Trusting in God's plan is another ongoing battle. I think it will take a lifetime to become fully trusting of what God has in store for me. But, I do think I have learned a lot about this goal over the last year. God has really placed some trials along my path, and although they filled me with grief or fear or frustration at first, they were all great lessons that God is carrying me through.

I haven't been painting or taking pictures or reading. That is a goal that I am extending to 2012. I let life get in the way in this instance, but in this New Year with some of my newly found time I think I am going to explore my creative outlets.

I have really begun to love where I live. Living in a little suburban town that is so family-oriented has definitely been a struggle when I don't have any children in my home or in my belly. I found myself wondering why we chose here and now. But, now I can say that I'm glad. The clouds have lifted, and the idea of beginning our family brings joy to me again. It is something to work towards, and knowing we have a stable home to bring babies home to is a great thing. Our town is adorable, and full of people who get out of their homes to hike, or bike, or try out new little restaurants, or spend time in the fresh air with their families. That is a beautiful thing.

I finished school!! It wasn't easy. Especially when there were a few weeks where I had a hard time dragging myself out of bed at all. But I did it! I am now I college graduate. I'm still waiting for it to sink in.

Be a better friend. This year I have made some great new friends. They have helped me learn even more about myself. My friends, new and old, have goven me a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and a reminder that we all have unique attributes to offer. My friendships have also been tested. No one else can understand what I have gone through in the last year. They don't know why I want kids or why a miscarriage still haunts me. They don't know why I chose to get married so young or why we bought our home. These things have been had for me to understand, but they have taught me to respect my own path and respect theirs. It's ok if they don't get it. They still have so much to offer to our friendship. I aim to be more forgiving and full of grace in the next year. To see life through their eyes, and understanding when we don't see things quite the same.

Pray. I always need to pray more. God is my best friend, but sometimes I don't treat Him like it. If it was an earthly relationship our distance might not be so easily forgiven. When I have the urge to pick up the phone, I need to remember to pray. Talking to God is much more effective than venting or gossiping to other flawed people like me.

This has been a long year of stumbling, learning, and loving. I have overcome depression and the loss of losing a life I so desperately wanted to bring into the world. I have graduated with a degree that I was never fully convinced I would reach. I have fallen even more in love with my husband. I have been fired and hired more than once. We have purchase our first home which I have both loved and hated.

Most importantly, I have learned how resilient I am. I can do it. I believe in myself.