What I Would Like to Tell My OBGYN

I want to try again. I'm ready.

I know I don't have to explain myself or convince you that I'm ready, because if I say I am then you have to help me, but maybe I just need to say it out loud. Or, just so you know where I'm coming from.

The last time I had a baby growing inside me, I put my hand on my belly and prayed every night that everything would be OK. I prayed that they would grow into a happy and healthy little baby that would someday grow into a happy and healthy person. I told God that I needed it to work because I couldn't handle another failure.

But I did handle it. That baby-to-be never was. It didn't grow anymore after 9 weeks. I found out when I was almost to 12 weeks. When I was almost "safe".

For a week I was angry. I was bitter. I didn't want to see a baby, or a kid, or a growing belly ever again. I wanted nothing to do with it. I made up my mind that I would choose another life. I would leave this house with empty rooms that were meant for nurseries behind. I would sell my car that got great safety reviews. I would drive out of this safe suburban neighborhood and never look back. I wanted a sports car, a huge rock, and a trendy new wardrobe. I wanted an apartment in a city far away.

Then the bitter started wearing off. I started letting the tears fall. I started smiling when I saw beautiful families. I started feeling again.

And then I remembered. Those things mean nothing to me. I'm a mom at heart. I will be a great mom. I will love being a mom. Something would always be missing if I gave up.

I married a wonderful man that will be an amazing father. My parents will make wonderful grandparents. And for my grandparents, nothing would make them happier than seeing my dreams come true.

I'm ready to be a mom. I'm ready to try this time. Even if I fail again, it is worth every effort. I'm not ready to give up. I'm never going to give up.

I don't care if my babies are pink, or brown, or purple. I don't care if they come out of me, or someone else. I don't care how long it takes for them to be in my arms...they just need to get there. And this is where we start. Right here. In this office. You tell me what I need to do. You help me make a plan. My heart is still hurting, but I'm ready.