"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
I have been so focused on what I want to DO next. Do I want to get a "big girl" job? Do I want to stay where I am working part time with people I enjoy? Am I ready to start our family?
I have been allowing myself to become too defined by what I do. This weekend I have come to realize that I need to focus a little more on who I am. I have become overwhelmed with gratitude for the blessings I have in my life. I'm going to focus more on relationships. My friendships. The people who invest in my soul.
And what am I going to do? I just going to start turning some door knobs and see which doors are unlocked. I'm not entirely sure I want to get another job, but it can't hurt to keep tweaking my resume and applying to jobs. I feel God telling me to get ready and get moving, but I have no idea what I'm preparing for or moving towards.
The unknown is scary. But I think it can be exciting too. God has plans for me. He has everything all mapped out for me.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
A challenge- Family Style
My brother-in-law and I have a very interesting relationship. It started out as a friendship. After I graduated from high school, my sister and I began spending every summer evening with My husband and his brother Dan. We went camping, went to the movies, sat on porches, and even played a few games of beer pong. As I was getting to know Mike, I was also getting to know Dan.
One evening before Mike and I were a couple, Dan and I sat on his bed and talked. We talked about girls and boys. We talked about past relationships and people who had done us wrong. We talked about our lives and marveled about what college would be like. Dan wasn't just the-guy-who-I-had-a-crush-on's-brother. He was my good friend.
That summer Mike and I fell in love and then I left for college at a liberal arts school in Kansas. We spent 3 or 4 months acting like love-sick puppies. It probably didn't help that Kansas is one of the most boring places on earth, and that I had mono for a big portion of the semester. Either way, I found myself wishing I was back in Colorado with my family and my boyfriend close. We spent hours talking on the phone and scheming a way to be closer to each other. At the end of the semester I transferred to CSU where Mike and Dan were. I had images of unicorns and rainbows in my head. I thought that everything would be perfect.
What I didn't realize, was the toll that my relationship with Mike was having on his counterpart, Dan. Dan had left for college with his own expectations and high hopes. He expected to spend all of his free time with Mike. He imagined rec sports teams and frat parties with the brother he had visited when he was in high school. But Mike's cool factor was wearing off. When I was in Kansas he spent all of his free time moping around, and after I moved, he spent all of his free time with me. He quit the fraternity and got serious about school. We started talking bout getting married and other grown-up things. Dan was angry. And he thought it was my fault.
I had stolen his brother. I had ruined his freshman year. Dan's frustration and resentment started to get between them. I always made an effort for all of us to hang out, but Dan didn't want to spend time with "us". He wanted to spend time with his brother. I was the enemy. He even started reporting to their mom. Their conservative, Catholic, military mom. "Kat is spending all of her time at our house" "I need my space" "This isn't what I signed up for". She instinctively defended her son. Now I was on her bad list too. It resulted in many aarguments and heated blow-outs.
But, I didn't go anywhere. They may have wished I would, but I didn't. I think when we got married they finally realized that I was going to be around for a long time, and that we better all get along or life wasn't going to be easy. All of a sudden their attitude changed and they started treating me like I was part of the family. I was weary, though. I was still angry that they had ostracized me so much. I was frustrated that Mike's choices had been blamed on me. It was harder for me to forgive and forget.
Time healed the wounds though. Dan made an especially concerted effort to show me that the past was behind us. He started looking out for me and calling me sis. He called on birthdays and anniversaries or when he heard I had been offered a job. The joking became light-hearted rather than stinging.
Dan has become a brother to me. I love him and I'm so proud of him. He is a strong young man, a committed marine, and a loving son and brother.
And now...he is moving in with us. I'm a little nervous. Three strong personalities with a volatile background could end very, very badly. I mean, I love him, but living together? That's a big step. I think we can do it. I hope we can. If we can get through the next 8 months conflict free, that will be a huge step. It could go either way. We could either get really sick of each other or become even closer. I guess we will see, but I have a good feeling about it. We have come a long way.
One evening before Mike and I were a couple, Dan and I sat on his bed and talked. We talked about girls and boys. We talked about past relationships and people who had done us wrong. We talked about our lives and marveled about what college would be like. Dan wasn't just the-guy-who-I-had-a-crush-on's-brother. He was my good friend.
That summer Mike and I fell in love and then I left for college at a liberal arts school in Kansas. We spent 3 or 4 months acting like love-sick puppies. It probably didn't help that Kansas is one of the most boring places on earth, and that I had mono for a big portion of the semester. Either way, I found myself wishing I was back in Colorado with my family and my boyfriend close. We spent hours talking on the phone and scheming a way to be closer to each other. At the end of the semester I transferred to CSU where Mike and Dan were. I had images of unicorns and rainbows in my head. I thought that everything would be perfect.
What I didn't realize, was the toll that my relationship with Mike was having on his counterpart, Dan. Dan had left for college with his own expectations and high hopes. He expected to spend all of his free time with Mike. He imagined rec sports teams and frat parties with the brother he had visited when he was in high school. But Mike's cool factor was wearing off. When I was in Kansas he spent all of his free time moping around, and after I moved, he spent all of his free time with me. He quit the fraternity and got serious about school. We started talking bout getting married and other grown-up things. Dan was angry. And he thought it was my fault.
I had stolen his brother. I had ruined his freshman year. Dan's frustration and resentment started to get between them. I always made an effort for all of us to hang out, but Dan didn't want to spend time with "us". He wanted to spend time with his brother. I was the enemy. He even started reporting to their mom. Their conservative, Catholic, military mom. "Kat is spending all of her time at our house" "I need my space" "This isn't what I signed up for". She instinctively defended her son. Now I was on her bad list too. It resulted in many aarguments and heated blow-outs.
But, I didn't go anywhere. They may have wished I would, but I didn't. I think when we got married they finally realized that I was going to be around for a long time, and that we better all get along or life wasn't going to be easy. All of a sudden their attitude changed and they started treating me like I was part of the family. I was weary, though. I was still angry that they had ostracized me so much. I was frustrated that Mike's choices had been blamed on me. It was harder for me to forgive and forget.
Time healed the wounds though. Dan made an especially concerted effort to show me that the past was behind us. He started looking out for me and calling me sis. He called on birthdays and anniversaries or when he heard I had been offered a job. The joking became light-hearted rather than stinging.
Dan has become a brother to me. I love him and I'm so proud of him. He is a strong young man, a committed marine, and a loving son and brother.
And now...he is moving in with us. I'm a little nervous. Three strong personalities with a volatile background could end very, very badly. I mean, I love him, but living together? That's a big step. I think we can do it. I hope we can. If we can get through the next 8 months conflict free, that will be a huge step. It could go either way. We could either get really sick of each other or become even closer. I guess we will see, but I have a good feeling about it. We have come a long way.
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