Another Update

Ok the doc called me back. My HCG levels are between 2 and 3 thousand. That's pretty normal for someone who is 3-4 weeks along. They keep reiderating how important it is for me to get in on Thursday for more blood work. I will feel so much more relieved if my levels have doubled by then. That will be a really good sign.

Update

I went to the doctor. It was the first time Mike has been in the room while I have my feet in the stirrups. I was so nervous but my midwife made me feel so relaxed. She asked me lots of questions and told me I could be cramping because I'm not getting enough water. I'm supposed to be drinking 2 liters of water a day now. That's a lot!

And then she got the vagisound. Awesome. She said that I may be able to hear a heart beat, but not to be worried if it is too early for that. She got busy looking around in there for a long time and was very quiet. She just kept looking at the screen and moving it around. I started to wonder why it was taking so long to find the baby. After what seemed like forever she said that she wasn't seeing anything so she wanted to get another doctor to take a look. I waited for another eternity until a male doctor came in and probed me. He found a tiny little blob on the screen. It was so small that they couldn't even tell where it was or what it was. They are assuming that the blob was the baby and that I'm just not as far along as they originally thought so there isn't much to see yet. They are also hoping that it is not ectopic. They took my blood and they are going to check my HCG levels and call me back tonight. I am scheduled to have it tested again on Thursday to make sure the levels are going up like they are supposed to, and then I should have another ultrasound in a week. For now it's just a waiting game.

I'm still feeling really nervous. I feel like everything is up in the air now. Please keep praying that my body takes care of that tiny little blob.

Scared

I'm having a mini-breakdown. I have been having cramps for the last few days which I thought was normal, but this morning I decided to google it just to make sure. The website I found said that cramping is normal when the fetus is attaching to the uterus, but beyond that it could be a bad sign. Since I am approximately 6 weeks, I figured I was past the attachment phase so I asked my cousin what she thought and she talked me in to calling my insurance nurse hotline just to make sure there was nothing to be worried about. The nurse asked me a million questions and then recommended that I get to an obgyn in the next three hours. She said if I can't find an apt. with an ob, to go straight to my primary care physician. That really freaked me out. A lot. I am really really attached to this little person growing inside of me. On Sunday I spotted just the tiniest little bit and I got really upset. I started crying but since it was just a tiny bit of pink and there wasn't any more I told myself I was worrying over nothing. Now I feel like an idiot and I'm worried that I got too excited too fast and that I should have taken this more seriously. I mean, I haven't even had an ultrasound. How do I even know there is a baby in there? What if it is stuck in my fallopian tube or its chemical? A thousand terrible things are running through my mind. I'm not hyperventilating or crying anymore but my stomach is still in knots. I wanted seeing my baby for the first time to be an exciting thing and now I'm scared out of my mind.

I have an appointment in 40 mins.

On my wedding day it poured and poured and then right before the ceremony began the sun came out and the clouds cleared and two big, beautiful, bright rainbows filled the sky. It was beautiful and it made me feel so at peace. I knew it was God telling me that everything was going to be OK and that His plan for me was to marry Mike.

On Saturday when the ladies and I were leaving for dinner there were two huge rainbows in the sky. Earlier that day I had started crying because I was just so exhausted and feeling under pressure. Seeing the double rainbow again made me remember that God was there by my side. Again, I felt peaceful and I felt like he was telling all of us that we were exactly where we should be in life and that everything is going to be ok. I felt like he was saying that Lori's divorce was a new beginning and that my baby is safe.

I hope that sign was real. This baby wasn't planned, but it is already loved. I am in love with the idea of being a mommy.

Please pray that everything is OK. Pray that my baby is where it is supposed to be and that it is growing. Pray that God gives me peace and strength. I can't even let my mind wander or I will break down again. I just keep telling myself that it's going to be Ok.

Sinking in and Saturday

Now that the shock has worn off the excitement has set in. Mike is sooo happy that he is gonna be a daddy. He said that he is glad it happened this way because he doesn't think he would have ever felt ready. He has reacted better than I ever could have imagined. He is so sweet... he keeps reminding me to take my vitamins and wondering out loud which room should be the baby's. He even admitted that he has a deep down feeling that it's a girl! Isn't that hilarious!? He used to say we were gonna have four boys just because he thought it was funny to freak me out.

So a little about my crazy day on Saturday.

It started off when the phone rang and woke me up at 7:30. It was Mike's friend Paul from high school. They both graduated from a private school in Virginia. He was in Breckenridge. And he got there...on his bike. Yep, he is riding his bike across the country for fun. So far he got all the way from Virginia to Breckenridge, Colorado. I have never heard of such a thing. I can hardly ride my bike up the hill down the street lead alone the Rocky Mountains!
Well I couldn't go back to sleep so we just snuggled for awhile until grampa showed up. I have the best grampa in the world. He brought me big beautiful pink gladiolas because he is "glad" to hear our news. Isn't that the sweetest thing you have ever heard??

Soon Lori came over. It was her day to celebrate because she is finally a free bird. No more immature cheating jerk for her to be legally attached to. The girls and I were taking her out to celebrate her new found freedom and she needed a pedicure. She was a pedicure virgin so it was a pretty big deal. Later I went to her house and got her all sexied up. I did her hair and makeup and she put on a sexy little number. She looked hot. Best of all she felt hot.

(from left: Gia, Chelsea, Somer, Lori, Me, Lisa)

What beautiful friends I have! We went to a tapas bar. I had water. And then the best part: we had a scavenger hunt to do after dinner and before our show.

We had to get a tag from a man's underwear...












...and Lori had to get a foot rub from a (cute) stranger...



















...and take a picture with a guy (or four guys) with a hairy chest...

















...and get a cop to handcuff her...




















...and then kiss him!






















And then we went to a burlesque show. I had no idea what I was in for.


They gave us all tiaras.
(with Pierre, the french emcee)














There were lots of boobs.
















We had so much fun. Lori really felt like the beautiful princess that she is. After the show we ran in to my ex-boyfriend...

...and his boyfriend.

He thought it was really funny that his ex is pregnant. I thought it was really funny that I was hanging out with my ex boyfriend and his boyfriend. And no, I didn't turn him gay! I was just a front. He was so sweet though. He kept saying how great my news is and it was so great to see him.














I didn't even make it home until the sun was coming up because I was the designated driver and I had to drop everyone up. What a crazy day! What a crazy life I have!! Babies and divorces and gay exes! Goodness gracious!

Well, friends, practicing didn't last long. It's game time. Yep, I'm pregnant. That was fast wasn't it? We are really shocked and really excited. I know it's a little early to be talking about it, but I just can't keep my mouth shut.

I'm a big ball of nerves and excitement and oh goodness I don't even know what else.

Yesterday Mikey started realizing that this wasn't all a big joke when the doctor confirmed all THREE positive home tests I took were telling the truth. Even my doctor was shocked how quickly this happened, especially considering we weren't even trying! By the time Mike got home from work he was really pumped. It made me feel so much better that he was excited. All he wanted to do was call everyone but I was SO SCARED! On the way home from dinner he started dialing EVERYONE on speaker phone and telling them. I thought I was gonna throw up I was so nervous, but after everyone in our close circle of friends and family knew I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.

I'm really still in shock. I hope everything goes well. I keep praying that my little nugget is healthy and I keep talking to it. I say, "grow nice and healthy little nuggy!". I can't wait until I can see it in an ultrasound and hear it's heart beating. I think I am so so much more nervous about being pregnant than I am about having the baby with us.

My brain is a puddle of mush. I can't think. That is all for now.

Weekend from hell

I am so glad the weekend from hell is over!

On Friday and Saturday we had a garage sale...It was exhausting but we made a little cash and got rid of A LOT of junk that has been pawned off on us since we moved in here.

Friday night we got suckered into helping with my little brother's birthday party. My mom is not very good at planning ahead. There were 9 fourth grade boys that she promised a movie, popcorn, dinner, flashlight tag, s'mores, and camping in the back yard. Mike and I bought the pizza, soda, and supplies for s'mores. We fed the boys while my mom talked on the phone and drank a glass of wine. Then, we corralled nine boys through the movie theater on a Friday night to see Karate Kid. We brought nine little bags of M&M's, but my mom forgot that she had promised my brother she would buy popcorn if all of the boys ate their pizza, so (only after he started crying) we bought three huge bags of popcorn and 6 large sodas. We divided up the popcorn into little cups so that everyone could have their own. I had offered to stay at the house and set up the tent so that we wouldn't have to do it in the dark, but of course my mom insisted that Mike and I go to the movies with them.
When we got home they played flashlight tag as promised- but it was after 10:00 pm. The boys promised they would be quiet. What fourth graders can be quiet? They kept screaming at each other and the neighbors started turning their lights on. Finally we rounded them up and got them inside, but my mom couldn't figure out how to get the fire pit started or how to set the tent up in the dark. We tried to help but it was a lost cause. We were all so tired and my fuse was already getting frustrated with my mom's inability to plan ahead. Finally she broke the news that they would just have to sleep on the floor inside.
It was SO stressful. I know my mom is busy, but she bit off WAY more than she could chew. She bit off more than all three of us could chew and just expected us to pick up the slack. Needless to say by the time we got home after an entire day in the sun and then dealing with the whole party situation I was exhausted and grouchy.

And then we woke up at 6:45 the next morning to do the garage sale all over again.

And then we went out for my friend's 21st birthday.

And then the next morning we woke up early again so that I could work on my paper that I had hardly even started.

And then we had Father's Day festivities. Thank goodness my dad and grandparents were there to keep me from snapping at my mom.

And then we rushed home so that I could finish my 9 page paper before it was due at midnight.

Needless to say that was one of the most exhausting weekends I've had in a long time.
Today I slept in, took a shower, made my bed, went to Costco, and then organized the pantry. It felt SO good to have the weight of the weekend off my shoulders.

I hope you all had a great weekend! ;)

The Power of Friendship

In the last few weeks I have begun a new journey of friendship. For so long I marveled at the miracle of female friendship. Something I used to feel so good at, and then I seemed to have lost. In the last three years, most of my female friendships have dissolved. I'm not sure why. I think it's a combination of moving, and growing, and falling in love.

And then recently a miracle happened. Somehow I found my way into a wonderful circle of women. I have something I have longed for. These women are intelligent, caring, witty, strong, and loving. I know they have my back, and they know I have their back too. We eat and drink and cry and laugh and talk together. We understand each other. This feeling is so new I don't even know quite how to explain how beautiful it is. I have always realized how marvelous the miracle of friendship is, I just felt like I had lost the ability to have friends. I'm just thankful that it happened. I don't even want to worry about how.

I really love these ladies. I love how they motivate me to be a better woman. They make me feel like I can do anything I want to do. Being around them allows me to think about my deeply rooted issues without feeling unworthy. I know we are all damaged, but if they can stand up on their own two feet, then so can I.

I find myself holding my breath. When will the drama set in? When will it all fall apart? When will we become too busy for each other? I hope that never happens. I know life will happen and things will change and evolve, but I have faith that we will be friends for a long, long time.

Not so little anymore

Yesterday my handsome little brother turned 11!

Since my mom just started her new job, I picked him up from school on Thursday and we spent the afternoon baking cupcakes for him to bring to school the next day for his birthday. He wanted chocolate cupcakes with sprinkles. So that's what we made....

I think they turned out pretty well. I need a new camera. The flash looks terrible.

Afterwards we went to the park for my boot camp class and he played with the other kids while I got my booty handed to me. By the time I got home and finished icing and sprinkling I was starving so I whipped up ...

Some Thai peanut salad. It was seriously delicious if I may say so myself.

Here's how...

Whip up a little peanut sauce in your food processor. I really like that recipe, but I didn't measure anything, plus I added a little sugar because it wasn't quite sweet enough, and a little bit of peanut oil. I also cut the recipe in half and it was more than enough. Next time I would make it a little more runny for this salad. Put it in the fridge.

Then make chicken cutlets by butterflying boneless, skinless chicken breasts, but cut it all the way through. If it is a bit uneven, cover the chicken with a piece of plastic wrap and give it a few whacks with a skillet. Squeeze lime over the chicken, rub with curry powder and a pinch of salt, and grill.

Toss spinach leaves in a mixture of soy sauce, rice vinegar, and vegetable oil. Top with sliced avocado, strawberries, cucumber, and mango.

Put the chicken and peanut sauce on top of your beautiful salad and enjoy the most delicious healthy meal you have had in a long time. Yummm.....

Even the birthday boy ate it. I was pretty impressed.

Yesterday when I was writing in his card, I realized that I was eleven exactly eleven years ago on the day he was born. Isn't that amazing? He is getting so big!

I know what I don't know

I am feeling much better today. I'm almost myself, and I have a HUGE appetite. I guess thats what happens when you cant eat for almost two days.

Do any of you read Nie Nie? When I see pictures of her family, it makes me baby crazy. Like absolutely baby insane. She had 4 beautiful little nuggets by the time she was 26. I think that sounds awesome. If I told my hubs that was my plan of action, he would probably have a heart attack.

The other day we had some friends over and one of them peppered us with questions about our plan of action. It kind of freaked me out. I was talking to another friend about how I felt uncomfortable when I realized why. I don't even know what our plan is, so how could I talk about it with someone else? Especially someone else who I rarely even see or talk to. I wish I had had enough insight to tell the interrogator that. I would have loved to tactfully say, "You know, interrogator, we are still trying to figure out what we want to do, so I'm not quite ready to talk about it."

Unfortunately, I'm not quite so witty. The thing is, friends, I think I have reached a new place in life. I'm not sure which is better for my life right now; becoming a mommy, or enjoying the married life without love nuggets. I think they both sound lovely. So what I have decided to do is be content with either option. Whatever happens, happens. I'm gonna give up a little control. I'm not trying to make a baby, but if it happens, I will be elated.

I know that some people will think that is irresponsible and stupid. I would have to disagree in this instance. My husband is ok with this no plan of a plan. I am ok with it. So what's wrong with it? Giving up control is a big step for me. It's not something that I usually do. But this time (at least for today), I'm doing it. I'm not really freaking out. I know we are in it together-whatever happens.

So now that I have figured out that I don't have anything figured out, I thought I would share it with you all.

Barf.

Yesterday I stopped at taco bell because I was starving.

And then I went to the chalk art festival with my friend Lori. It should have been awesome, but it was super hot and I was feeling queasy. There were some beautiful works of art, but I was a little distracted by the bean burrito that kept trying to make its way out of my throat and back into my mouth.

On my way home I barfed. In the car. I tried to make it into my leftover taco bell cup but some of it missed and got all over my jeans. And then I got home and barfed some more. And then I took a shower and barfed again. And again. And again. I kept barfing and you-know-whatting until the only thing left to come out was that lovely yellow stomach acid that makes your teeth feel funny. And then I cried myself to sleep.

I'm never eating taco bell again.

And just as a bonus I have a washing machine full of clothes covered in fluids that my body rejected.

Sorry that was so disgusting.

Date Night

Last night Mike and I had a much needed date night. It was SO much fun! It was exactly what we needed to focus in on each other and take a break from all the stresses in life.

First, we decided to try something new for dinner since we haven't been living here long. We decided on Union American Bistro and it was a GREAT choice. I had an electric pearl martini that was the most delicious thing I've ever tasted. Mike ordered the lobster bisque and the open-faced steak sandwich. I ordered the blackened Mahi sandwich with mango pico de gallo. We are food people and this stuff got us excited. We switched plates half way so that we could each have a little of both entrees. We will definitely be going back to Union. It was delish! We also found out that they have a great happy hour during the week, and on Saturdays are $5 martinis.

The best part about dinner was the chance to just talk and relax. We talked about our week, we talked about our dinner, we talked about when we want to be parents. It was such a great opportunity to get things off of our chest without any pressure.

After diner we went to the movies. We saw The Killers with Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl. It was a good romcom without too much mush for Mike, but not too violent for me to enjoy.

Last night got me so excited for our anniversary. One year is a pretty big deal! I'm glad we still like each other. Just three more weeks...

Kick Start

I think people think I'm a hypochondriac. That little insecurity makes me HATE going to the doctor. But something I hate almost as much as going to the doctor is being fat.

On Tuesday I signed up for an outdoor boot camp. It was miserable. I couldn't breathe. I am definitely the youngest in the class, and I am one of the least overweight, but I just couldn't keep up. My lungs were screaming. My legs were jello. I wasn't sure whether I was going to cry or barf.

So... dying at boot camp combined with abnormal exhaustion that I have been whining about on here was the combination I needed to make a Dr's appointment.

This morning I gave them three lovely vials of my blood in return for a nice little script for new allergy meds and an inhaler. And guess what...

Today I kicked ass at boot camp. I ran and did push ups and burpees and pull ups and lunges. I was tired but I sure as hell wasn't defeated. Those 8 blasts of albuterol did wonders for my lungs. I wish I had gone to the doctor a long time ago.

I should get the results back from my blood draw soon. I would assume that considering I had my period for almost three weeks, I'm going to have low levels of something.

Either way, I'm just thankful that I have my allergies and asthma under control. It's the boost I needed to get in gear. I have to admit...today I bought an old lady swimsuit. The kind with a skirt on it to cover up my ass. I'm gonna leave the tags on and hopefully I can return it at some point. I guess we'll see.

Mmmm...

Today I baked some cupcakes. Here's how....

Prepare a box of vanilla cake mix as directed. Add the zest of a lemon or two. If you want it extra lemony, replace the water with lemon juice.

Pour the mix into a muffin pan sprayed with baking spray.

Stick a few raspberries into each muffin cup.

Bake at 350 until the cupcakes are just beginning to turn golden brown.

For the frosting...

Combine 1 lb. of powdered sugar with one stick of softened butter and some raspberries in your mixer. I used a whole package but I don't think you need that many.

Add freshly squeezed lemon juice until the frosting is the consistency you are looking for.

I have plenty of leftover frosting, so either save the leftovers for another treat, or cut the recipe in half.

Voila! Lemony Frosted Raspberry Cupcakes!!

Let me tell ya...these little beauties are delish. Hopefully I can get some pictures up soon.