Scared

I'm having a mini-breakdown. I have been having cramps for the last few days which I thought was normal, but this morning I decided to google it just to make sure. The website I found said that cramping is normal when the fetus is attaching to the uterus, but beyond that it could be a bad sign. Since I am approximately 6 weeks, I figured I was past the attachment phase so I asked my cousin what she thought and she talked me in to calling my insurance nurse hotline just to make sure there was nothing to be worried about. The nurse asked me a million questions and then recommended that I get to an obgyn in the next three hours. She said if I can't find an apt. with an ob, to go straight to my primary care physician. That really freaked me out. A lot. I am really really attached to this little person growing inside of me. On Sunday I spotted just the tiniest little bit and I got really upset. I started crying but since it was just a tiny bit of pink and there wasn't any more I told myself I was worrying over nothing. Now I feel like an idiot and I'm worried that I got too excited too fast and that I should have taken this more seriously. I mean, I haven't even had an ultrasound. How do I even know there is a baby in there? What if it is stuck in my fallopian tube or its chemical? A thousand terrible things are running through my mind. I'm not hyperventilating or crying anymore but my stomach is still in knots. I wanted seeing my baby for the first time to be an exciting thing and now I'm scared out of my mind.

I have an appointment in 40 mins.

On my wedding day it poured and poured and then right before the ceremony began the sun came out and the clouds cleared and two big, beautiful, bright rainbows filled the sky. It was beautiful and it made me feel so at peace. I knew it was God telling me that everything was going to be OK and that His plan for me was to marry Mike.

On Saturday when the ladies and I were leaving for dinner there were two huge rainbows in the sky. Earlier that day I had started crying because I was just so exhausted and feeling under pressure. Seeing the double rainbow again made me remember that God was there by my side. Again, I felt peaceful and I felt like he was telling all of us that we were exactly where we should be in life and that everything is going to be ok. I felt like he was saying that Lori's divorce was a new beginning and that my baby is safe.

I hope that sign was real. This baby wasn't planned, but it is already loved. I am in love with the idea of being a mommy.

Please pray that everything is OK. Pray that my baby is where it is supposed to be and that it is growing. Pray that God gives me peace and strength. I can't even let my mind wander or I will break down again. I just keep telling myself that it's going to be Ok.