Panic Attacks

Sometimes I have these little panic attacks. I get really upset and I think that whatever I am upset about is a REALLY big deal. Then, I usually call either my mom, my sister, or my Mikey to vent.

Mom's general response:
I'm too busy to listen to your drama. Calm down. It's not the end of the world.

Michaela's general response:
Uh huh. Oh.... Alright, well, I have to go get food before the caf closes.
Michaela's response in the case that I called to bitch about someone: Stupid bitch! I would have punched him/her in the face! Gah! I can't even believe that...

Mikey's general response:
I'm sorry honey. Try to look at the bright side. It will all be OK.

So today when I had a little melt down I try to stay tough until the boys were no longer in my car. And then the second they got out I called up my mom. She made a joke about my car accident and didn't seem to notice I was upset. So I got off the phone.

and then I imagined calling my sister and having a bitch fest, but I wasn't really in the mood.

AND THEN

I realized that I was way more worked up than I should have been. I had just spent at least 2 hrs holding back tears when I could have been having another Journey jam sesh.
The best part is that I realized that the whole reason I was having this panic attack is because the hubs decided marrying me would be worth all of the drama that comes with. The drama from trying to fit in to a whole new family, and most of all the drama that just comes along with spending any time with me. I'm a pretty lucky gal. Sometimes I don't think I'm worth it. For some some crazy reason he thinks I am. Thank you for giving me such a patient man, God.

I think I need to update you all about the last three days.

First of all I got my hair done. I'm blonde again and I love it. I didn't realize how much I missed it!

Then Mike and I went to sign a contract for "The New House". We didn't think we would get an answer for a few days, but the lady only stepped out of the room for about two minutes and then came back in to tell us that they will accept our offer. (holy cow!)

On Thursday morning we headed up to Keystone for Jake's birthday. Mike thought we needed to bring two cars to fit everything and everyone. I didn't want to drive but I gave in. We stopped to pick up the boys and they rode with me. I was relieved that I would have some company for the drive. Well, we ran into some morning traffic. The lady in front of me slammed on her brakes REALLY hard. I slammed on mine and swerved into the center lane to avoid the back of her SUV. I realized we were all OK. And then I realized that the front left side of my car clipped her bumper as we swerved. The "the rich mom car", as my sister calls it, has a pretty bad boo boo. I feel terrible for her. I AM really grateful that I had both of my hands on the wheel, that I wasn't on my phone or eating, that there wasn't much damage to the other woman's car, that I have insurance, and most of all that the boys were safe. It was pretty traumatic. I have never been in an accident before.

No we are all up in Keystone having a lovely time. I went snowboarding yesterday despite my traumatic car accident. I even drove the poor little damaged rich mom car all the way up. Thank goodness for the boys. They told me that I did a good job avoiding that car, and they played journey to cheer me up. Who would have thought 16 yr. old boys could be so amazing?

Can you believe all of that happened in the last 3 days? Me either. That's life, I guess.

Happy 16th Birthday Jake!!

Surprises

Hooray! He bought me the treadmill and was going to surprise me. But, I brought it up so much that he figured he should probably tell me so I didn't just go ahead and buy it for myself, and then we would end up with two. Isn't he cute? I feel bad that I ruined the surprise. He was being so sneaky that I really didn't think he thought we needed one. I'm excited. Other fun things I'm excited about:
*Getting my hair done today
*My birthday next week
*Snowboarding and s'mores this weekend for Jakey's birthday
*Getting this tanning shenanigans started
*Poker tonight
*Brownies in the oven

I accidently breathed in Pam and now my lungs are BURNING. I think that might drive me even crazier than mustard pee. What are some of your pet peeves? What are the things you are excited about today? What color should I paint my nails?

This post is all over the place...

First of all, I want to proclaim my love for my husband.
I love him despite all of the annoying things he does, like....

*Swearing he's not totally head over heels for Gia on The Bachelor, even though he gets a shit-eating grin on his face every time she's on the screen
*Telling me I probably shouldn't sleep in too much tomorrow (I'm a big girl, thank you very much!)
*Leaving his chili bowl in the living room all night long for me to scrape
*Making little piles of mail and such all over every surface in our house

I really do dig him. When he gives me a kiss while I'm still asleep before he leaves for work, or when I see that he bought ORGANIC eggs instead of the cheap ones, my heart kinda swells up.

By the way; Sharon Osbourne keeps using words like "brilliant" and "attractive" on the Today show. I'm going to use those two words as many times as I can today.

Can you tell I'm unemployed? Yep, I'm nestled on the couch sans-bra and it's almost noon. At least I took out the garbage when I woke up.

Just in case you were wondering we are officially sub-leasing our apartment out. We will be moving into my grandparents house in about 2 weeks. And I'm going to start an airbrush tanning business. And I have kept those 6+ lbs off AND ditched weight watchers. Hooray! Unfortunately we might not be buying a house, but I won't dwell on that now...

What I really wanted to write about today is something I learned from Oprah and Rosie. They were discussing stepping out of your past, and living in the now. It sounds really obvious, but you don't have to let your past define you. That was really an epiphany for me. I know that that experiences shape you into who you are and you can never have regret, but allowing those past experiences to haunt you just isn't OK. It's my job to shape who I am. All of those yucky experiences and yucky people that came in and out of my life as a kid are OVER. Even the bad ways that I dealt with those yucky situations are OVER. How amazing is it that I have a brand new life to shape however I want. I'm pretty excited about God's plan for me. And so far I have a great team mate and a blank slate. I still have no idea what is in store. Literally NO IDEA. But that's what's so beautiful about it. So there, yuckiness!! Get away! I have my own story to write now. I'm gonna live in this moment.


If you're secretly reading my blog, you should leave a comment. Let me know how you are living in this moment and freeing yourself from the chains of the past. We can all use a little support and community!! Love you guys.

Birthday Princess

It's my birthday in two weeks and 1 day. I only realized last week how close it is and I'm pretty excited... despite the fact that 22 is probably the most boring birthday you can have because it's preceded by a great birthday. Let me just be honest here. I am a birthday princess. I try not to be needy or selfish 364 days of the year, but on my birthday I throw my down-to-earth self out the window and enjoy a day of pampering. This year I would like to:

Drink frozen strawberry margaritas at The Rio without worrying about how many calories they have in them
Treat myself to a mani/pedi (hopefully with some good girlie company)
Bake myself a heart shaped cake (Mike started this tradition but I'm probably going to have to carry it out on my own)
Sleep in
Take an hour long shower
Buy myself a new pair of shoes and some sexy underwear

..see, I told you I'm a birthday princess!
Now I just need to make my birthday wish list....

A new house?
A treadmill?
Canning supplies?
Yes, please!

I finally bought some things on etsy. I bought a yellow crocheted bangle, crocheted flower appliques (to wear in my hair, of course), and homemade soaps. I'm pretty excited about getting these lovely little packages in the mail. I'm sure they will add instant sunshine to my day. One of the descriptions I came across on etsy used the word apricot to describe an orange throw. Apricot. That word sent me to another place. It made my mouth water as I imagined getting canned apricots out of the storage fridge at my Honey's house and eating them in oatmeal, or on top of vanilla ice cream, or the best way- with a spoon straight out of the jar. I envisioned the beautiful color of those jars lining the inside of the retro refrigerator and the sweet smell of her house- an odor consisting of peanut butter cookies, coffee, and VapoRub. Anyone who loved Honey as much as me knows that smell like the back of their hand.

And Honey's apricots made me think of Grandma Wooding's strawberry jam. Running across the lawn in our PJs and seeking comfort on the other side of the sliding glass door. Sitting down at the table where Jesus and Mary stare at you from their frames on the wall and eating the best pancakes you've ever had covered in that wonderful pink strawberry jam and real melted butter. Heaven. After Grandma Wooding passed away last fall I had one little jar of that jam from Auntie Di's freezer that I savored like it was caviar. Even Mike liked that jam and he doesn't even like jam! And then....Tom threw it away. He thought it was moldy cherries that his mom had given him. But it wasn't cherries at all!! It was that sweet, tangy, strawberry jam!! The last jar of grandmas jam that I could ever have. I called my cousin because she is the only one who could understand how upsetting it is to have your jam thrown out. After we got over our shock, we vowed that we would start the tradition of making jam every summer.

Well, now it's December. The summer has passed and no jam. But from this moment on I vow to learn how to can (or jar? are they the same thing??). And I'm gonna can apricots and strawberry jam like its nobody's business. And I'm gonna think of Honey, and Grandma, and vaporrub, and the Virgin Mary while I do it. And it will be pure bliss.

Letting off a little steam

I slept great last night. In fact, I fell asleep in about 20 seconds flat (probably to the dismay of my husband, sorry hon!) I woke up remembering that I had promised the kids we would tie-dye today which we were all pretty excited about. I laid in bed thinking I would like to wear something comfy-cute. Somehow that translated into yoga pants, a broncos T-shirt, and a messy bun. Let me tell ya... it looked a lot cuter in my head. Instead of looking comfy-cute, I am sporting a bad combo of bed head, birkenstocks, and stained T-shirt. Ew. To make matters worse, the kids are having a cranky kind of day, and Michael's was only able to supply us with the RIT dye that now stains my hands- rubber bands would take another stop. Another stop including buckling three kids into car seats, holding three little hands, walking slowly through the aisles, and then repeating the process to get back in the car. While we were out, Mike let me know that the ladies who had been planning on moving into our apartment are now buying a house instead. Just lovely. And to put the icing on the cake Shea announced halfway through our tie-dying experience that going to the museum yesterday was a lot more fun. Thanks for the input, Shea!

Now that they are fed and having quiet time, I am winding down from the disappointment of the day. I am distracting myself with:
http://nieniedialogues.blogspot.com/
http://blog.cjanerun.com/
&
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=32481369

It's working pretty well. I'm starting to think more rationally and my grudge towards Mike for letting our subleaser-lessness occur is starting to fade away. Isn't it amazing what blogs and wrist cuffs can do?? PLUS I have the prospect of seeing my brand new tie-dyed shirts come out of the dryer later on this afternoon and snuggling with a sweet angel boy with bed head post-nap.

Now if only I knew what God was gonna do about this house mess. Anyone have a crystal ball I can borrow? I know, I know. He is teaching me to have patience and trust. And I am not being a very good student.

PS: Getting frustrated with the kids' sassiness first makes me relieved that I only have 5 more days left of work, and then extremely sad that I won't be "nanny" anymore. :(

Decision, Decisions, Decisions

Lately there have been a lot of decisions to make.

What house should we buy?
How much should we offer?
How long should we wait for a response?
Where should we live while we wait for a response?
How can I focus more on school?
Is it worth losing my job over?
Should I take a break from working and finish school more quickly?
When should we start our family?

So far, we put an offer on the yellow house. We offered an amount that had been previously bank approved. Still no response. Our plan now is to move into my grandparents house if we don't hear back in the next two weeks. I know, I know. That sounds terrible. No one wants to get married and then move in with family, but it's much better than it sounds. They have a great house that they aren't even living in for the time being. We are hoping that this will ensure that we have sub-leasers in our apartment, and save us some money. See, not too bed, eh?

How am I handling all of these decisions? Haha well funny you should ask. The Mister would probably tell you not so well. Last week I was a raging combination of hormones, stress, and starvation (I guess I picked the perfect week to start weight watchers). He was amazingly patient with my mess-of-a-self. And I actually pulled it together and was my normal nurturing self on Thursday when he had laser eye surgery. On a side note I am pretty excited that I get to see his sparkling blue eyes every day now.

So...two more weeks and then I will be without a job. I'm trying to look at this as a blessing in disguise, but that of course raises even more questions. Should I try to find a new job? What city should I look in? Should I take a break from working and focus solely on finishing my degree? If so, can I increase my course load and finish more quickly?? I think I am leaning towards the last option- finishing my degree as quickly and effectively as possible- but this may mean giving up my new found shopping habit. Things will be a little tight with only one income.

Enough of my rambling. Any of you who know me have probably heard all about this stuff at least three times, anyway. Sorry about that, by the way. Remarkably I am feeling much more at peace this week. And while I'm still hungry 97% of the time, feelings of anxiety and tension are giving way to thankfulness and humility.

Thanks to my friends for being patient with me when I make a mountain into a molehill. And thanks especially to my blue-eyed Mikey Moo for being my comfort even when I am a scary mess.

New Beginnings

This new year I am going to have a fresh start. "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine!" If my light is gonna shine, I better keep it burning.

New Beginnings for the New Year that will help my light shine brighter:

Respect my body

Think locally

Eat more veggies

Trust that God's plan is infinitely better than mine

Paint more often

Love where I live

Express myself

Read

Finish school (with acceptable grades)

Be a better friend

Pray

I would also LOVE to move into the beautiful little yellow house, but, of course, that ties into trusting that God's plan is better than mine.

I am inspired to re-find myself. I am inspired to live in this moment and stop beginning my sentences with "When..."

When...we move into a house

When...I'm done with school

When...I've lost some weight

When...we've saved more money

When...we have a family

When...I'm not so busy

This backwards thinking has prevented me from living in the now. RIGHT NOW. And the beginning of this year is a perfect time to start. Waddyah think??

-KW