A lesson about love

Isn't its strange that when you go to church, it feels like the speaker can see in your brain? Usually, whatever it is that I was dealing with that week is exactly what is talked about in the service.

Today after we were done singing praises, the pastor said, "I can sense that there are people here feeling anxious, people who may be fighting depression". And then he looked right at me. In a room full of hundreds of people he made eye contact with me. I started crying.

Because, you see, this week I have been fighting depression and anxiety. In my new found race to "get healthy", I have gotten obsessed. I have started nit-picking every aspect of my body. Every day when I step on the scale and the numbers don't change I start to hate myself a little more. I resent every imperfection. The deflated breasts, the acne, the love handles. I have become so focused on my imperfections that I can't see anything else. I can't see my big green eyes. Or my thick, shiny hair. I can't see anything I like. I have even cried myself to sleep thinking about how ugly I feel.

This is just not me. I always fight so hard to love myself. If I sense myself slipping into self-consciousness I drag myself right out of the hole. I do EVERYTHING in my power to appreciate all the beautiful things about myself. But this week that has been too big of a mountain for me to climb. Maybe my positive attitude is what allowed me to get fat. If I had focused on my thighs a little more, maybe they wouldn't be so big.

It's no way to live. I am mentally abusing myself every time I think I have fallen short.

So today when the guest speaker taught us about love, it was exactly what I needed to hear.

Because I was fearfully and wonderfully made.

God loves me. He is in love with me. I am breaking his heart every time I let a self-loathing thought pass through my brain. I know this, but I didn't want to hear it. If I let myself feel God's love, I might start loving myself, and that is just too hard. So in hating myself I am pushing everyone else away.

When Mike whispers, "you're beautiful" I say "no". When he says, "I'm so attracted to you", I say, "not". I won't let anyone else love me because I can't even love myself.

It sounds so obvious, but I have to let this thinking stop. Knowing I will be seen in a swimsuit in a few months is becoming much too significant. It's getting in the way of my life.

I just need to learn how to eat healthy, exercise, and love myself, all at the same time. I'm not sure I know how to do that. I need some other motivation besides hatred. I need to let myself be filled with God's love. I need to let that love leak out to the people around me. My friends don't need such a disconnected friend, and my husband certainly doesn't need a wife who can't even sleep next to him without thinking how much I hate when he touches me.

I need to learn how to love. I need to remember that I was fearfully and wonderfully made.