There was no heartbeat.
This morning I went in for my 2nd ultrasound hoping for some good news. I didn't get any. She saw the sac very clearly and was surprised that the other doctor and midwife couldn't find anything last week. Then she zoomed in on where the fetus should be flickering by now. Nothing.
She said there should definitely be a heartbeat right now, and that I am probably miscarrying. I guess my progesterone levels were low last week but no one told me that. I have been spotting a little but, but nothing telling had happened.
I guess now I'm just supposed to wait until my body takes care of this. I'm having a really rough time. Mike drove me home and we have been laying in bed almost all day. It keeps coming over me in waves that its over. I don't want it to be over. And if it has to be, I want it to be now. I don't want to wait around for the red flag to remind me that it's a sure thing.
This is so hard. I don't know why God would let me get pregnant in the first place if it wasn't going to work out. I go in for another ultrasound on Friday just to make sure. I don't want to go see a bunch of happy mommies-to-be with swollen tummies. I don't want to fight the tears and swallow the lump in my throat.
I can be strong another day. Today I think I will just lie in bed and cry.
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Kat, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine how you feel right now. It must seem like the carpet's just been ripped right out from underneath you. I'm thinking about you, praying for you, and I KNOW you will come through this a much stronger woman.
ReplyDeleteLove you.
Kat - my heart is aching for you. I wish so badly that I could be there to hug you. There isn't even anything to say, other than this isn't fair. You are going to be an amazing mommy someday soon though... I just hate that you have to have this hard start. :(
ReplyDeleteafter battling infertility for years, i learned a few things. in any given month a couple (who have no issues at all) only has a 20% chance of getting pregnant. then there are so many things that can go wrong, it's a miracle to make it through at all.
ReplyDeletenature has built in a function to sustain the most viable pregnancy and end a pregnancy that is running into trouble.
you got pregnant fast and easily. so it will happen again and you will be a great mommy! and you'll treasure that baby all the more because you know what an amazing gift it is.
Damn, Im sorry Kat. Let Mike know Im sorry for him also. It is hard to say something to someone you don't know, but Tracy and I went through it too and we bounced back. You and Mike just be there for each other. Again Im sorry you had to go through that. Take Care.
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