Surgery

Wow. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have him. Mike has taken great care of me the last few days. He really has been my rock. I don't know how he can be so strong when we have gone through such a rough time, but he does it.

So what he didn't tell you is that yesterday I had another ultrasound. We went in frustrated and sad and all mixed up with a list of questions that we wished we had asked on Tuesday. I had a new doctor that I felt more comfortable with and who was very clear about what was happening.

When he did the ultrasound, not only did he not see a heartbeat, but the whole mass had changed. It had gotten much bigger in just the last few days, and was shaped like an overgrown circus peanut. It was even starting to disintegrate on one side and was surrounded by fluid. As hard as it was, I was a little relieved to know that there was no chance that it was a viable pregnancy. I don't think I could have handled any what-ifs or go-home-and-see-what-happens'. If it was over, I wanted it to really be over.

The doctor highly recommended having it surgically removed as soon as possible. Since it was growing so quickly, and had become such a huge mass, he thought it would just be way too much bleeding for me to pass naturally or with the help of medication. He warned that doing so would be extremely physically and emotionally draining, and that waiting could even allow the placenta to keep getting bigger and bigger.

He asked the receptionists to get me in to the OR sometime that day, and then give me a call. I got the phone call right after we drove away. They wanted me to drive straight to the hospital to get ready for surgery. When they started prepping me, I realized that this wasn't going to be as quick and simple as I had imagined. I was in the gynecological operating wing hooked up to IVs and being prepped for anesthesia. I had compression cuffs on my legs, and my hair cover by a blue net. They gave my wedding ring to my husband. Then they told me all about the risks and made me sign a waiver saying that I would consent to a blood transfusion in the event that it was necessary.

All of the doctors and nurses kept telling me that they were so sorry for our loss. Surprisingly that made it even harder for me. I wanted to pretend that I was just there for something else. Something like having my appendix or my tonsils removed. I just couldn't let myself think that they were removing that blob of cells that I had become so attached to.

After surgery I slept for about two hours in the recovery room, and then they made sure that I was going to wake up and helped me get dressed. Mom-Mom and Mike had been waiting for me the whole time. Mom-Mom took me home and stopped to get me a pink star at Jamba juice since I hadn't eaten all day. Mike went to go get some things for work and then he went to Walmart to get my prescriptions filled and pick up a few things I needed.

Today I'm feeling much better. I'm still recovering a bit, but I'm not seeing double or in too much pain anymore. My throat hurts from the breathing tube, but I think that will get better soon also.

I'm a little relieved that now I can shut the door to this awful chapter in my life and start moving on. Like Mike said, it has also been a learning experience. We have grown in our marriage. We have realized how many people love us and care about us. We have realized that we are ready to be parents when our time comes.

Thank you for all of your prayers and kind words. It has meant the world to us.