Isn't its strange that when you go to church, it feels like the speaker can see in your brain? Usually, whatever it is that I was dealing with that week is exactly what is talked about in the service.
Today after we were done singing praises, the pastor said, "I can sense that there are people here feeling anxious, people who may be fighting depression". And then he looked right at me. In a room full of hundreds of people he made eye contact with me. I started crying.
Because, you see, this week I have been fighting depression and anxiety. In my new found race to "get healthy", I have gotten obsessed. I have started nit-picking every aspect of my body. Every day when I step on the scale and the numbers don't change I start to hate myself a little more. I resent every imperfection. The deflated breasts, the acne, the love handles. I have become so focused on my imperfections that I can't see anything else. I can't see my big green eyes. Or my thick, shiny hair. I can't see anything I like. I have even cried myself to sleep thinking about how ugly I feel.
This is just not me. I always fight so hard to love myself. If I sense myself slipping into self-consciousness I drag myself right out of the hole. I do EVERYTHING in my power to appreciate all the beautiful things about myself. But this week that has been too big of a mountain for me to climb. Maybe my positive attitude is what allowed me to get fat. If I had focused on my thighs a little more, maybe they wouldn't be so big.
It's no way to live. I am mentally abusing myself every time I think I have fallen short.
So today when the guest speaker taught us about love, it was exactly what I needed to hear.
Because I was fearfully and wonderfully made.
God loves me. He is in love with me. I am breaking his heart every time I let a self-loathing thought pass through my brain. I know this, but I didn't want to hear it. If I let myself feel God's love, I might start loving myself, and that is just too hard. So in hating myself I am pushing everyone else away.
When Mike whispers, "you're beautiful" I say "no". When he says, "I'm so attracted to you", I say, "not". I won't let anyone else love me because I can't even love myself.
It sounds so obvious, but I have to let this thinking stop. Knowing I will be seen in a swimsuit in a few months is becoming much too significant. It's getting in the way of my life.
I just need to learn how to eat healthy, exercise, and love myself, all at the same time. I'm not sure I know how to do that. I need some other motivation besides hatred. I need to let myself be filled with God's love. I need to let that love leak out to the people around me. My friends don't need such a disconnected friend, and my husband certainly doesn't need a wife who can't even sleep next to him without thinking how much I hate when he touches me.
I need to learn how to love. I need to remember that I was fearfully and wonderfully made.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Time to Clear the Clutter
About a week ago I was spending some much needed time with one of my friends who lives out of town. She was in town for the holidays and drove an hour and a half to see me before I headed to DC.
This friend is one of those soul mate friends. The kind that knows your past, present, and future. The kind that you can go months without talking to but will still understand you.
This friend gave me a reality check. She caught me at a weak moment. I was flustered with trying to pack and make diner and spend quality time with her all at once. I was frustrated that nothing seemed to fit and that none of my clothes seemed just right to pack.
Talking to her that night was like looking in a mirror. I saw my flaws. She so gracefully and lovingly pointed out the places where I am lacking. She made me feel like I could fix it.
My life has gotten cluttered. I can blame it on the holidays, or finals, or work or anything else, but really there is no excuse. My house always feels messy. My car is a wreck. I loathe everything in my closet. My body is even annoying. The clutter in my life was starting to get in my head.
Why not fix it? Why not donate every single piece of clothing in my closet that I don't love. I would rather wear clothes that fit well and make me feel good than have a whole closet full of clothes that I bought for no reason. Why did I buy them in the first place? They were on sale? I felt like shopping? I keep buying cheap shit that I don't love instead of spending a little extra on things that are classic and high-quality.
And my closet is just the beginning. I feel like I need to clean my whole life out. I'm working on it. Having less goes further. It makes me feel more in control.
I'm thankful that I had someone who could remind me. It's funny how you relearn things that you already know. Even though it's getting better, I'm sure I will need another reminder. Luckily, I have amazing people in my life who aren't afraid to set me straight.
This friend is one of those soul mate friends. The kind that knows your past, present, and future. The kind that you can go months without talking to but will still understand you.
This friend gave me a reality check. She caught me at a weak moment. I was flustered with trying to pack and make diner and spend quality time with her all at once. I was frustrated that nothing seemed to fit and that none of my clothes seemed just right to pack.
Talking to her that night was like looking in a mirror. I saw my flaws. She so gracefully and lovingly pointed out the places where I am lacking. She made me feel like I could fix it.
My life has gotten cluttered. I can blame it on the holidays, or finals, or work or anything else, but really there is no excuse. My house always feels messy. My car is a wreck. I loathe everything in my closet. My body is even annoying. The clutter in my life was starting to get in my head.
Why not fix it? Why not donate every single piece of clothing in my closet that I don't love. I would rather wear clothes that fit well and make me feel good than have a whole closet full of clothes that I bought for no reason. Why did I buy them in the first place? They were on sale? I felt like shopping? I keep buying cheap shit that I don't love instead of spending a little extra on things that are classic and high-quality.
And my closet is just the beginning. I feel like I need to clean my whole life out. I'm working on it. Having less goes further. It makes me feel more in control.
I'm thankful that I had someone who could remind me. It's funny how you relearn things that you already know. Even though it's getting better, I'm sure I will need another reminder. Luckily, I have amazing people in my life who aren't afraid to set me straight.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
A new year, a new start
I started this blog at the beginning of 2010. It started off with a list. A list meant to guide me, to define my goals, to inspire me. It said:
This has been a long year of stumbling, learning, and loving. I have overcome depression and the loss of losing a life I so desperately wanted to bring into the world. I have graduated with a degree that I was never fully convinced I would reach. I have fallen even more in love with my husband. I have been fired and hired more than once. We have purchase our first home which I have both loved and hated.
Most importantly, I have learned how resilient I am. I can do it. I believe in myself.
Respect my body
Think locally
Eat more veggies
Trust that God's plan is infinitely better than mine
Paint more often
Love where I live
Express myself
Read
Finish school (with acceptable grades)
Be a better friend
Pray
I have been planing on going back to that list for the last few days, but I was nervous about what I would find. Did I reach my goals or did I let life get in the way? I wasn't sure I was ready for the answer.
Luckily I think I did a pretty good job.
I have learned the hard way that this body is the only one I get, so I better learn to love it. Of course it is a daily struggle, but I think I have gained more respect for my body over the last year. I have gained a few pounds, but I don't loathe it the way I used to.
I joined a local co-op which has helped me to think locally and eat more veggies. I definitely think it has helped me to consider where my food comes from, what organizations I support with my business, and stretched me to cook meals with what I have, including some ingredients that I would not usually buy.
Trusting in God's plan is another ongoing battle. I think it will take a lifetime to become fully trusting of what God has in store for me. But, I do think I have learned a lot about this goal over the last year. God has really placed some trials along my path, and although they filled me with grief or fear or frustration at first, they were all great lessons that God is carrying me through.
I haven't been painting or taking pictures or reading. That is a goal that I am extending to 2012. I let life get in the way in this instance, but in this New Year with some of my newly found time I think I am going to explore my creative outlets.
I have really begun to love where I live. Living in a little suburban town that is so family-oriented has definitely been a struggle when I don't have any children in my home or in my belly. I found myself wondering why we chose here and now. But, now I can say that I'm glad. The clouds have lifted, and the idea of beginning our family brings joy to me again. It is something to work towards, and knowing we have a stable home to bring babies home to is a great thing. Our town is adorable, and full of people who get out of their homes to hike, or bike, or try out new little restaurants, or spend time in the fresh air with their families. That is a beautiful thing.
I finished school!! It wasn't easy. Especially when there were a few weeks where I had a hard time dragging myself out of bed at all. But I did it! I am now I college graduate. I'm still waiting for it to sink in.
Be a better friend. This year I have made some great new friends. They have helped me learn even more about myself. My friends, new and old, have goven me a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and a reminder that we all have unique attributes to offer. My friendships have also been tested. No one else can understand what I have gone through in the last year. They don't know why I want kids or why a miscarriage still haunts me. They don't know why I chose to get married so young or why we bought our home. These things have been had for me to understand, but they have taught me to respect my own path and respect theirs. It's ok if they don't get it. They still have so much to offer to our friendship. I aim to be more forgiving and full of grace in the next year. To see life through their eyes, and understanding when we don't see things quite the same.
Pray. I always need to pray more. God is my best friend, but sometimes I don't treat Him like it. If it was an earthly relationship our distance might not be so easily forgiven. When I have the urge to pick up the phone, I need to remember to pray. Talking to God is much more effective than venting or gossiping to other flawed people like me.
I have been planing on going back to that list for the last few days, but I was nervous about what I would find. Did I reach my goals or did I let life get in the way? I wasn't sure I was ready for the answer.
Luckily I think I did a pretty good job.
I have learned the hard way that this body is the only one I get, so I better learn to love it. Of course it is a daily struggle, but I think I have gained more respect for my body over the last year. I have gained a few pounds, but I don't loathe it the way I used to.
I joined a local co-op which has helped me to think locally and eat more veggies. I definitely think it has helped me to consider where my food comes from, what organizations I support with my business, and stretched me to cook meals with what I have, including some ingredients that I would not usually buy.
Trusting in God's plan is another ongoing battle. I think it will take a lifetime to become fully trusting of what God has in store for me. But, I do think I have learned a lot about this goal over the last year. God has really placed some trials along my path, and although they filled me with grief or fear or frustration at first, they were all great lessons that God is carrying me through.
I haven't been painting or taking pictures or reading. That is a goal that I am extending to 2012. I let life get in the way in this instance, but in this New Year with some of my newly found time I think I am going to explore my creative outlets.
I have really begun to love where I live. Living in a little suburban town that is so family-oriented has definitely been a struggle when I don't have any children in my home or in my belly. I found myself wondering why we chose here and now. But, now I can say that I'm glad. The clouds have lifted, and the idea of beginning our family brings joy to me again. It is something to work towards, and knowing we have a stable home to bring babies home to is a great thing. Our town is adorable, and full of people who get out of their homes to hike, or bike, or try out new little restaurants, or spend time in the fresh air with their families. That is a beautiful thing.
I finished school!! It wasn't easy. Especially when there were a few weeks where I had a hard time dragging myself out of bed at all. But I did it! I am now I college graduate. I'm still waiting for it to sink in.
Be a better friend. This year I have made some great new friends. They have helped me learn even more about myself. My friends, new and old, have goven me a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and a reminder that we all have unique attributes to offer. My friendships have also been tested. No one else can understand what I have gone through in the last year. They don't know why I want kids or why a miscarriage still haunts me. They don't know why I chose to get married so young or why we bought our home. These things have been had for me to understand, but they have taught me to respect my own path and respect theirs. It's ok if they don't get it. They still have so much to offer to our friendship. I aim to be more forgiving and full of grace in the next year. To see life through their eyes, and understanding when we don't see things quite the same.
Pray. I always need to pray more. God is my best friend, but sometimes I don't treat Him like it. If it was an earthly relationship our distance might not be so easily forgiven. When I have the urge to pick up the phone, I need to remember to pray. Talking to God is much more effective than venting or gossiping to other flawed people like me.
This has been a long year of stumbling, learning, and loving. I have overcome depression and the loss of losing a life I so desperately wanted to bring into the world. I have graduated with a degree that I was never fully convinced I would reach. I have fallen even more in love with my husband. I have been fired and hired more than once. We have purchase our first home which I have both loved and hated.
Most importantly, I have learned how resilient I am. I can do it. I believe in myself.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
I just need a moment...
I just think you all should know that I love you. A lot.
A whole house full of people for a week has made me really happy and really tired. Like really really tired. It's not even 6 o clock and I'm about to pass out.
I have been thankful, joyful, grouchy, sleepy, productive, and lazy this week.
I have cried happy tears with people that usually drive me crazy.
I have been driven crazy by people that usually crack me up.
As amazing as this week has been...I'm ready for it to be over.
I'm gonna get a good night's sleep, eat lots of vegetables, and try to reduce my Christmas pooch. I'm also gonna show my hubs how much I appreciate him because he has kept me sane this week. My Mom-Mom too. She is the best.
And finally, I'm gonna try to let it sink in that I am actually done with school. No more late night cramming. No more driving Mike crazy with procrastination. No more eating Jimmy Johns in the library while I write about serial killers.
I'm a lucky girl. Or blessed, rather. Definitely blessed. Now I just need a moment to let it all sink in.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a GOOD NIGHT.
A whole house full of people for a week has made me really happy and really tired. Like really really tired. It's not even 6 o clock and I'm about to pass out.
I have been thankful, joyful, grouchy, sleepy, productive, and lazy this week.
I have cried happy tears with people that usually drive me crazy.
I have been driven crazy by people that usually crack me up.
As amazing as this week has been...I'm ready for it to be over.
I'm gonna get a good night's sleep, eat lots of vegetables, and try to reduce my Christmas pooch. I'm also gonna show my hubs how much I appreciate him because he has kept me sane this week. My Mom-Mom too. She is the best.
And finally, I'm gonna try to let it sink in that I am actually done with school. No more late night cramming. No more driving Mike crazy with procrastination. No more eating Jimmy Johns in the library while I write about serial killers.
I'm a lucky girl. Or blessed, rather. Definitely blessed. Now I just need a moment to let it all sink in.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a GOOD NIGHT.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Who really likes jello molds anyway?
Today I am missing Mike's Christmas party. I'm a little bummed about it. Isn't that one of my wifely duties? To put my hair in rollers and put on my best sweater and smile for a few hours even though my feet hurt? To secretly hope that everyone likes my lemon bars more than any of the other desserts, because who really likes jell-o molds anyway?
That may sounds like torture to most people, but for some sick reason I love this kind of thing. Especially if I don't have to talk to anyone. I'm a little socially awkward. Especially without a glass of wine to lubricate my inhibitions.
But, alas, I have to work. And finish my finals. (My last final of my whole life.) Besides, Candice won't be there either. I would be very upset if she was going and I wasn't. It would have been fun for the two of us to hide in a corner and snicker about what old ladies who work for the government think is proper attire for an afternoon Christmas party at a rec center. It's also fun to wonder how all those nerdy employees have such hot wives.
I'm also glad it's not a dress up event. I would be very upset if I was missing out on an opportunity to break out my liquid eyeliner.
But, instead, Mike and Bailey will go to the party without their wives. They will bring napkins and plates instead of lemon bars and artichoke dip. They will probably be wearing something completely unfestive. And then they will sneak out early so that they can come home.
Sounds pretty lame to me.
That may sounds like torture to most people, but for some sick reason I love this kind of thing. Especially if I don't have to talk to anyone. I'm a little socially awkward. Especially without a glass of wine to lubricate my inhibitions.
But, alas, I have to work. And finish my finals. (My last final of my whole life.) Besides, Candice won't be there either. I would be very upset if she was going and I wasn't. It would have been fun for the two of us to hide in a corner and snicker about what old ladies who work for the government think is proper attire for an afternoon Christmas party at a rec center. It's also fun to wonder how all those nerdy employees have such hot wives.
I'm also glad it's not a dress up event. I would be very upset if I was missing out on an opportunity to break out my liquid eyeliner.
But, instead, Mike and Bailey will go to the party without their wives. They will bring napkins and plates instead of lemon bars and artichoke dip. They will probably be wearing something completely unfestive. And then they will sneak out early so that they can come home.
Sounds pretty lame to me.
Monday, December 13, 2010
An update...the end is near
I haven't written in forever so at the prompting of a friend (hey linds!) I decided to stop by for a quick update.
THIS IS THE LAST WEEK OF SCHOOL!!! As soon as I turn in these finals I have been working on I will be done! They aren't due until Sunday at midnight, but Mike's parents fly in on Friday so my goal is to be done by Thursday night.
That means that I have to write a 10 page paper, a project outline, a test, AND clean my house top to bottom before Friday morning rolls around. Oh and I have work.
But you know what...as stressful as it is I'm feeling pretty pumped. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. What am I going to do with all that free time!?
Christmas time is coming, there will be lots of family here, and a grad party! Fun, fun, fun!!
That's when I can get to work putting all the finishing touches on my house, put together a gingerbread house, and make Christmas cookies!
THIS IS THE LAST WEEK OF SCHOOL!!! As soon as I turn in these finals I have been working on I will be done! They aren't due until Sunday at midnight, but Mike's parents fly in on Friday so my goal is to be done by Thursday night.
That means that I have to write a 10 page paper, a project outline, a test, AND clean my house top to bottom before Friday morning rolls around. Oh and I have work.
But you know what...as stressful as it is I'm feeling pretty pumped. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. What am I going to do with all that free time!?
Christmas time is coming, there will be lots of family here, and a grad party! Fun, fun, fun!!
That's when I can get to work putting all the finishing touches on my house, put together a gingerbread house, and make Christmas cookies!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
One of those days
Today sucked. Here's why...
1) Greasy hair- I woke up and took a shower but didn't wash my hair because I have a brand new bottle of dry shampoo. Well the new bottle doesn't work. It's clogged and doesn't spray. It was too late to get back in the shower, then wash and dry my hair.
2) Bad picture- I got to orientation for my new job feeling cranky because of my bad hair day and lack of breakfast. What do they have us do? Take a picture for our id badges. Great, I'm just so glad this terrible day was documented with a picture I will have to wear around my neck for everyone to see.
3) Rowdy kids- I don't know if the kids could tell that we were a little off today or they were just funkified by the snow. Whatever it was, they were OOC. Three kids hit their heads today. Head injuries of any kind require a call home. Three kids lost their recess privileges. And at the end of the day at pickup we lost a kid. We have to visually see their parents, but a dad who had never picked his daughter up before took her home without letting us know and it sent us into a panic.
4) Miscommunication- A family that I babysit for asked me to watch their kids overnight tonight while their mom was in the hospital having surgery. I was supposed to pick the kids up from school right after I got off of work and then stay at their house until I took them to school tomorrow morning. I wasn't looking forward to being away from my house and my hubs all night long. On my way to pick the kids up I called their dad to see if I should pick up booster seats for them before I got them from school. He was confused. His wife's surgery is tomorrow. She told me the wrong day.
5) Gas light- My car let me know I was out of gas while I was in the middle of nowhere.
6) Flashing Lights- I called Mike to let him know I was actually going to be coming home and then I noticed something flashing. I looked in my rear-view mirror. I looked down at my speedometer. 63 in a 50. Oh, my registration is expired? Just the cherry on top! Oh and my address had to be changed within 30 days of moving? That would have been good to know. No wonder my registration never came in the mail! Now I owe "the man" $213. There goes my first week of pay.
Cried the whole way home.
Two beers, a bowl of Annie's organic shells & cheese, and a few sweet potato fries later, I'm feeling a little better.
Tonight's gonna be an early night. It was just one of those days.
1) Greasy hair- I woke up and took a shower but didn't wash my hair because I have a brand new bottle of dry shampoo. Well the new bottle doesn't work. It's clogged and doesn't spray. It was too late to get back in the shower, then wash and dry my hair.
2) Bad picture- I got to orientation for my new job feeling cranky because of my bad hair day and lack of breakfast. What do they have us do? Take a picture for our id badges. Great, I'm just so glad this terrible day was documented with a picture I will have to wear around my neck for everyone to see.
3) Rowdy kids- I don't know if the kids could tell that we were a little off today or they were just funkified by the snow. Whatever it was, they were OOC. Three kids hit their heads today. Head injuries of any kind require a call home. Three kids lost their recess privileges. And at the end of the day at pickup we lost a kid. We have to visually see their parents, but a dad who had never picked his daughter up before took her home without letting us know and it sent us into a panic.
4) Miscommunication- A family that I babysit for asked me to watch their kids overnight tonight while their mom was in the hospital having surgery. I was supposed to pick the kids up from school right after I got off of work and then stay at their house until I took them to school tomorrow morning. I wasn't looking forward to being away from my house and my hubs all night long. On my way to pick the kids up I called their dad to see if I should pick up booster seats for them before I got them from school. He was confused. His wife's surgery is tomorrow. She told me the wrong day.
5) Gas light- My car let me know I was out of gas while I was in the middle of nowhere.
6) Flashing Lights- I called Mike to let him know I was actually going to be coming home and then I noticed something flashing. I looked in my rear-view mirror. I looked down at my speedometer. 63 in a 50. Oh, my registration is expired? Just the cherry on top! Oh and my address had to be changed within 30 days of moving? That would have been good to know. No wonder my registration never came in the mail! Now I owe "the man" $213. There goes my first week of pay.
Cried the whole way home.
Two beers, a bowl of Annie's organic shells & cheese, and a few sweet potato fries later, I'm feeling a little better.
Tonight's gonna be an early night. It was just one of those days.
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