Breakthrough

I started seeing a shrink.

Why? I think I finally got the kahunas to do it because I know that there have been times in the past that I was depressed, and I don't want to be in that kind of dark place again. So, just in case I'm falling into that hole and I don't know it, I finally found a therapist. I also wanted someone outside of my immediate circle that could be there when I am making the big decisions that I know will be coming up.

Yesterday was my third session, and I think I had a little bit of a breakthrough.
I realized that I have very high expectations of myself. Cripplingly high. I have a legitimate fear of doing the wrong thing or making the wrong decision. In my head, I can talk myself out of this strange fear, but I still have an innate emotional reaction no matter how much self-talk is going on in my head. In fact, I learned that I am struck with panic at the mere thought of doing something wrong.

My therapist asked me to imagine me doing a less than satisfactory job and I got choked up, closed off, and shaky. All along I have just thought that I like to be prepared. I didn't realize that fear of being anything less-than perfect is affecting every aspect of my life.

I think that deep down inside of me, anything less than a fairy tale isn't good enough. I know in my head that is crazy and irrational, but I still strive for that fairy tale every day.

I sat on her couch and tried to think back to my last few meltdowns; the last few times I had felt anxious and had lashed out.

Trying to pack:
I might pack the wrong thing. I might forget something. I might not have the appropriate outfit for the event. I might need a bandaid. I might need a benadryl, or some heart burn medicine. Being unprepared would be a complete failure.

Going to a BBQ:
I'm in charge of condiments. I will have to bring more than just mustard and ketchup. No one likes mustard and ketchup. They will expect me to go above and beyond. I will make chipotle aoli, caramelized onions, bring 3 kinds of mustard, pickles, sauerkraut. Am I forgetting something? If someone wants jalapenos or bacon I better have them. If anyone is disappointed it will be my fault. That would be terrible. And what will everyone wear? Jeans? Sundress? I'll have to make a good impression. Put together but not over the top. Smiles of course.

Work:
Attendance and efficiency is all my responsibility. It better go perfect or I will be a failure and I won't deserve my job. Everything must go exactly as planned.

Easter:
I need a plan. I need to go to the store several days in advance, make a menu, distribute responsibilities among family members. I need a nice outfit, a manicure, and good hair. My house should be spotless and perfectly decorated or people will think less of me.

There you go. That's my thought process. It's very overwhelming. It's no wonder I get irritable and anxious before I have to do anything with all of that running through my head.

I also came to the realization that this crazy way of thinking can be very threatening to other people in my life. They think that since I expect such a high level of perfection of myself, that I must expect them to do the same.

I don't want to be like this anymore. I want to work on giving myself a break. I want to practice taking it down a notch without having a meltdown. I want to be more aware of the way I affect those around me.

So that was my breakthrough. It can only go up from here.