Just Keep Swimming

Remember that last post.....

Well I did try again.
Try #3 failed. Just like tries #1 and #2.

I am officially *$#&ed up on the inside.
Maybe that's not the medical term for it. I believe the medical term is actually "recurrent abortion".

Isn't that lovely? Luckily, the term "abortion" just means end of pregnancy in the medical community, but I still hate it.

How do I feel? Well, probably how anyone that is totally inept at starting a family feels. I feel like a failure. I feel numb. I feel strong. I feel weak. I feel angry and sad. I feel totally fine and then I feel absolutely wretched. It's a bit of a roller coaster.

Now I just have to get poked and prodded to try to figure out what the problem is. The crazy thing is, life still goes on. It doesn't pause for my bad days. So I just keep going too. I'll be fine. It's pretty amazing what we humans can endure.

I just thought you all might like an update. ...So there it is. I'll post about something a little more upbeat next time, ok?

What I Would Like to Tell My OBGYN

I want to try again. I'm ready.

I know I don't have to explain myself or convince you that I'm ready, because if I say I am then you have to help me, but maybe I just need to say it out loud. Or, just so you know where I'm coming from.

The last time I had a baby growing inside me, I put my hand on my belly and prayed every night that everything would be OK. I prayed that they would grow into a happy and healthy little baby that would someday grow into a happy and healthy person. I told God that I needed it to work because I couldn't handle another failure.

But I did handle it. That baby-to-be never was. It didn't grow anymore after 9 weeks. I found out when I was almost to 12 weeks. When I was almost "safe".

For a week I was angry. I was bitter. I didn't want to see a baby, or a kid, or a growing belly ever again. I wanted nothing to do with it. I made up my mind that I would choose another life. I would leave this house with empty rooms that were meant for nurseries behind. I would sell my car that got great safety reviews. I would drive out of this safe suburban neighborhood and never look back. I wanted a sports car, a huge rock, and a trendy new wardrobe. I wanted an apartment in a city far away.

Then the bitter started wearing off. I started letting the tears fall. I started smiling when I saw beautiful families. I started feeling again.

And then I remembered. Those things mean nothing to me. I'm a mom at heart. I will be a great mom. I will love being a mom. Something would always be missing if I gave up.

I married a wonderful man that will be an amazing father. My parents will make wonderful grandparents. And for my grandparents, nothing would make them happier than seeing my dreams come true.

I'm ready to be a mom. I'm ready to try this time. Even if I fail again, it is worth every effort. I'm not ready to give up. I'm never going to give up.

I don't care if my babies are pink, or brown, or purple. I don't care if they come out of me, or someone else. I don't care how long it takes for them to be in my arms...they just need to get there. And this is where we start. Right here. In this office. You tell me what I need to do. You help me make a plan. My heart is still hurting, but I'm ready.

A half empty kind of day

See the glass half full, Kat.

You have to work one on one with a person who was ice cold to you when you met last week? It's an opportunity to get to know each other!

Your boss comes in to work in a sleep-deprived rage? It makes you stronger, Kat! Working through it helps her see that she can talk to you.

Ay yi yi. Today was rough. I feel much better now that I changed my perspective, but it's definitely time for bed.

Where the heck have I been?!?

Here's what...
I turned 23 and we all know what a birthday princess I am....
...and it wouldn't be a party without a few games of twister with my sis!......and then Mike smashed me in the face with a cupcake so of course I got him back.......did I mention that street clothes were not allowed?? Sweats only!...
A few days later my cuzzy (that cute brunette one right there) graduated from missionary school so we took a trip to Garden of the Gods to celebrate...
...and then my love Lori hosted an around the world party. I was Thailand. I brought curry, and we took silly prom pictures.......the next day we surprised my bestie with a party to celebrate her graduation from nursing school! Soo proud!......and last but CERTAINLY not least we took a little trip over the pond with our pals Bailey and Candice to MEXICO!......where of course I had a drink or two (or 20)....
...like I said, 20.....

So that's where I've been and what I've been up to!

What Lies Within Us

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."

I have been so focused on what I want to DO next. Do I want to get a "big girl" job? Do I want to stay where I am working part time with people I enjoy? Am I ready to start our family?

I have been allowing myself to become too defined by what I do. This weekend I have come to realize that I need to focus a little more on who I am. I have become overwhelmed with gratitude for the blessings I have in my life. I'm going to focus more on relationships. My friendships. The people who invest in my soul.

And what am I going to do? I just going to start turning some door knobs and see which doors are unlocked. I'm not entirely sure I want to get another job, but it can't hurt to keep tweaking my resume and applying to jobs. I feel God telling me to get ready and get moving, but I have no idea what I'm preparing for or moving towards.

The unknown is scary. But I think it can be exciting too. God has plans for me. He has everything all mapped out for me.

A challenge- Family Style

My brother-in-law and I have a very interesting relationship. It started out as a friendship. After I graduated from high school, my sister and I began spending every summer evening with My husband and his brother Dan. We went camping, went to the movies, sat on porches, and even played a few games of beer pong. As I was getting to know Mike, I was also getting to know Dan.

One evening before Mike and I were a couple, Dan and I sat on his bed and talked. We talked about girls and boys. We talked about past relationships and people who had done us wrong. We talked about our lives and marveled about what college would be like. Dan wasn't just the-guy-who-I-had-a-crush-on's-brother. He was my good friend.

That summer Mike and I fell in love and then I left for college at a liberal arts school in Kansas. We spent 3 or 4 months acting like love-sick puppies. It probably didn't help that Kansas is one of the most boring places on earth, and that I had mono for a big portion of the semester. Either way, I found myself wishing I was back in Colorado with my family and my boyfriend close. We spent hours talking on the phone and scheming a way to be closer to each other. At the end of the semester I transferred to CSU where Mike and Dan were. I had images of unicorns and rainbows in my head. I thought that everything would be perfect.

What I didn't realize, was the toll that my relationship with Mike was having on his counterpart, Dan. Dan had left for college with his own expectations and high hopes. He expected to spend all of his free time with Mike. He imagined rec sports teams and frat parties with the brother he had visited when he was in high school. But Mike's cool factor was wearing off. When I was in Kansas he spent all of his free time moping around, and after I moved, he spent all of his free time with me. He quit the fraternity and got serious about school. We started talking bout getting married and other grown-up things. Dan was angry. And he thought it was my fault.

I had stolen his brother. I had ruined his freshman year. Dan's frustration and resentment started to get between them. I always made an effort for all of us to hang out, but Dan didn't want to spend time with "us". He wanted to spend time with his brother. I was the enemy. He even started reporting to their mom. Their conservative, Catholic, military mom. "Kat is spending all of her time at our house" "I need my space" "This isn't what I signed up for". She instinctively defended her son. Now I was on her bad list too. It resulted in many aarguments and heated blow-outs.

But, I didn't go anywhere. They may have wished I would, but I didn't. I think when we got married they finally realized that I was going to be around for a long time, and that we better all get along or life wasn't going to be easy. All of a sudden their attitude changed and they started treating me like I was part of the family. I was weary, though. I was still angry that they had ostracized me so much. I was frustrated that Mike's choices had been blamed on me. It was harder for me to forgive and forget.

Time healed the wounds though. Dan made an especially concerted effort to show me that the past was behind us. He started looking out for me and calling me sis. He called on birthdays and anniversaries or when he heard I had been offered a job. The joking became light-hearted rather than stinging.
Dan has become a brother to me. I love him and I'm so proud of him. He is a strong young man, a committed marine, and a loving son and brother.

And now...he is moving in with us. I'm a little nervous. Three strong personalities with a volatile background could end very, very badly. I mean, I love him, but living together? That's a big step. I think we can do it. I hope we can. If we can get through the next 8 months conflict free, that will be a huge step. It could go either way. We could either get really sick of each other or become even closer. I guess we will see, but I have a good feeling about it. We have come a long way.

A lesson about love

Isn't its strange that when you go to church, it feels like the speaker can see in your brain? Usually, whatever it is that I was dealing with that week is exactly what is talked about in the service.

Today after we were done singing praises, the pastor said, "I can sense that there are people here feeling anxious, people who may be fighting depression". And then he looked right at me. In a room full of hundreds of people he made eye contact with me. I started crying.

Because, you see, this week I have been fighting depression and anxiety. In my new found race to "get healthy", I have gotten obsessed. I have started nit-picking every aspect of my body. Every day when I step on the scale and the numbers don't change I start to hate myself a little more. I resent every imperfection. The deflated breasts, the acne, the love handles. I have become so focused on my imperfections that I can't see anything else. I can't see my big green eyes. Or my thick, shiny hair. I can't see anything I like. I have even cried myself to sleep thinking about how ugly I feel.

This is just not me. I always fight so hard to love myself. If I sense myself slipping into self-consciousness I drag myself right out of the hole. I do EVERYTHING in my power to appreciate all the beautiful things about myself. But this week that has been too big of a mountain for me to climb. Maybe my positive attitude is what allowed me to get fat. If I had focused on my thighs a little more, maybe they wouldn't be so big.

It's no way to live. I am mentally abusing myself every time I think I have fallen short.

So today when the guest speaker taught us about love, it was exactly what I needed to hear.

Because I was fearfully and wonderfully made.

God loves me. He is in love with me. I am breaking his heart every time I let a self-loathing thought pass through my brain. I know this, but I didn't want to hear it. If I let myself feel God's love, I might start loving myself, and that is just too hard. So in hating myself I am pushing everyone else away.

When Mike whispers, "you're beautiful" I say "no". When he says, "I'm so attracted to you", I say, "not". I won't let anyone else love me because I can't even love myself.

It sounds so obvious, but I have to let this thinking stop. Knowing I will be seen in a swimsuit in a few months is becoming much too significant. It's getting in the way of my life.

I just need to learn how to eat healthy, exercise, and love myself, all at the same time. I'm not sure I know how to do that. I need some other motivation besides hatred. I need to let myself be filled with God's love. I need to let that love leak out to the people around me. My friends don't need such a disconnected friend, and my husband certainly doesn't need a wife who can't even sleep next to him without thinking how much I hate when he touches me.

I need to learn how to love. I need to remember that I was fearfully and wonderfully made.