Breakthrough

I started seeing a shrink.

Why? I think I finally got the kahunas to do it because I know that there have been times in the past that I was depressed, and I don't want to be in that kind of dark place again. So, just in case I'm falling into that hole and I don't know it, I finally found a therapist. I also wanted someone outside of my immediate circle that could be there when I am making the big decisions that I know will be coming up.

Yesterday was my third session, and I think I had a little bit of a breakthrough.
I realized that I have very high expectations of myself. Cripplingly high. I have a legitimate fear of doing the wrong thing or making the wrong decision. In my head, I can talk myself out of this strange fear, but I still have an innate emotional reaction no matter how much self-talk is going on in my head. In fact, I learned that I am struck with panic at the mere thought of doing something wrong.

My therapist asked me to imagine me doing a less than satisfactory job and I got choked up, closed off, and shaky. All along I have just thought that I like to be prepared. I didn't realize that fear of being anything less-than perfect is affecting every aspect of my life.

I think that deep down inside of me, anything less than a fairy tale isn't good enough. I know in my head that is crazy and irrational, but I still strive for that fairy tale every day.

I sat on her couch and tried to think back to my last few meltdowns; the last few times I had felt anxious and had lashed out.

Trying to pack:
I might pack the wrong thing. I might forget something. I might not have the appropriate outfit for the event. I might need a bandaid. I might need a benadryl, or some heart burn medicine. Being unprepared would be a complete failure.

Going to a BBQ:
I'm in charge of condiments. I will have to bring more than just mustard and ketchup. No one likes mustard and ketchup. They will expect me to go above and beyond. I will make chipotle aoli, caramelized onions, bring 3 kinds of mustard, pickles, sauerkraut. Am I forgetting something? If someone wants jalapenos or bacon I better have them. If anyone is disappointed it will be my fault. That would be terrible. And what will everyone wear? Jeans? Sundress? I'll have to make a good impression. Put together but not over the top. Smiles of course.

Work:
Attendance and efficiency is all my responsibility. It better go perfect or I will be a failure and I won't deserve my job. Everything must go exactly as planned.

Easter:
I need a plan. I need to go to the store several days in advance, make a menu, distribute responsibilities among family members. I need a nice outfit, a manicure, and good hair. My house should be spotless and perfectly decorated or people will think less of me.

There you go. That's my thought process. It's very overwhelming. It's no wonder I get irritable and anxious before I have to do anything with all of that running through my head.

I also came to the realization that this crazy way of thinking can be very threatening to other people in my life. They think that since I expect such a high level of perfection of myself, that I must expect them to do the same.

I don't want to be like this anymore. I want to work on giving myself a break. I want to practice taking it down a notch without having a meltdown. I want to be more aware of the way I affect those around me.

So that was my breakthrough. It can only go up from here.

Just Keep Swimming

Remember that last post.....

Well I did try again.
Try #3 failed. Just like tries #1 and #2.

I am officially *$#&ed up on the inside.
Maybe that's not the medical term for it. I believe the medical term is actually "recurrent abortion".

Isn't that lovely? Luckily, the term "abortion" just means end of pregnancy in the medical community, but I still hate it.

How do I feel? Well, probably how anyone that is totally inept at starting a family feels. I feel like a failure. I feel numb. I feel strong. I feel weak. I feel angry and sad. I feel totally fine and then I feel absolutely wretched. It's a bit of a roller coaster.

Now I just have to get poked and prodded to try to figure out what the problem is. The crazy thing is, life still goes on. It doesn't pause for my bad days. So I just keep going too. I'll be fine. It's pretty amazing what we humans can endure.

I just thought you all might like an update. ...So there it is. I'll post about something a little more upbeat next time, ok?

What I Would Like to Tell My OBGYN

I want to try again. I'm ready.

I know I don't have to explain myself or convince you that I'm ready, because if I say I am then you have to help me, but maybe I just need to say it out loud. Or, just so you know where I'm coming from.

The last time I had a baby growing inside me, I put my hand on my belly and prayed every night that everything would be OK. I prayed that they would grow into a happy and healthy little baby that would someday grow into a happy and healthy person. I told God that I needed it to work because I couldn't handle another failure.

But I did handle it. That baby-to-be never was. It didn't grow anymore after 9 weeks. I found out when I was almost to 12 weeks. When I was almost "safe".

For a week I was angry. I was bitter. I didn't want to see a baby, or a kid, or a growing belly ever again. I wanted nothing to do with it. I made up my mind that I would choose another life. I would leave this house with empty rooms that were meant for nurseries behind. I would sell my car that got great safety reviews. I would drive out of this safe suburban neighborhood and never look back. I wanted a sports car, a huge rock, and a trendy new wardrobe. I wanted an apartment in a city far away.

Then the bitter started wearing off. I started letting the tears fall. I started smiling when I saw beautiful families. I started feeling again.

And then I remembered. Those things mean nothing to me. I'm a mom at heart. I will be a great mom. I will love being a mom. Something would always be missing if I gave up.

I married a wonderful man that will be an amazing father. My parents will make wonderful grandparents. And for my grandparents, nothing would make them happier than seeing my dreams come true.

I'm ready to be a mom. I'm ready to try this time. Even if I fail again, it is worth every effort. I'm not ready to give up. I'm never going to give up.

I don't care if my babies are pink, or brown, or purple. I don't care if they come out of me, or someone else. I don't care how long it takes for them to be in my arms...they just need to get there. And this is where we start. Right here. In this office. You tell me what I need to do. You help me make a plan. My heart is still hurting, but I'm ready.

A half empty kind of day

See the glass half full, Kat.

You have to work one on one with a person who was ice cold to you when you met last week? It's an opportunity to get to know each other!

Your boss comes in to work in a sleep-deprived rage? It makes you stronger, Kat! Working through it helps her see that she can talk to you.

Ay yi yi. Today was rough. I feel much better now that I changed my perspective, but it's definitely time for bed.

Where the heck have I been?!?

Here's what...
I turned 23 and we all know what a birthday princess I am....
...and it wouldn't be a party without a few games of twister with my sis!......and then Mike smashed me in the face with a cupcake so of course I got him back.......did I mention that street clothes were not allowed?? Sweats only!...
A few days later my cuzzy (that cute brunette one right there) graduated from missionary school so we took a trip to Garden of the Gods to celebrate...
...and then my love Lori hosted an around the world party. I was Thailand. I brought curry, and we took silly prom pictures.......the next day we surprised my bestie with a party to celebrate her graduation from nursing school! Soo proud!......and last but CERTAINLY not least we took a little trip over the pond with our pals Bailey and Candice to MEXICO!......where of course I had a drink or two (or 20)....
...like I said, 20.....

So that's where I've been and what I've been up to!

What Lies Within Us

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."

I have been so focused on what I want to DO next. Do I want to get a "big girl" job? Do I want to stay where I am working part time with people I enjoy? Am I ready to start our family?

I have been allowing myself to become too defined by what I do. This weekend I have come to realize that I need to focus a little more on who I am. I have become overwhelmed with gratitude for the blessings I have in my life. I'm going to focus more on relationships. My friendships. The people who invest in my soul.

And what am I going to do? I just going to start turning some door knobs and see which doors are unlocked. I'm not entirely sure I want to get another job, but it can't hurt to keep tweaking my resume and applying to jobs. I feel God telling me to get ready and get moving, but I have no idea what I'm preparing for or moving towards.

The unknown is scary. But I think it can be exciting too. God has plans for me. He has everything all mapped out for me.

A challenge- Family Style

My brother-in-law and I have a very interesting relationship. It started out as a friendship. After I graduated from high school, my sister and I began spending every summer evening with My husband and his brother Dan. We went camping, went to the movies, sat on porches, and even played a few games of beer pong. As I was getting to know Mike, I was also getting to know Dan.

One evening before Mike and I were a couple, Dan and I sat on his bed and talked. We talked about girls and boys. We talked about past relationships and people who had done us wrong. We talked about our lives and marveled about what college would be like. Dan wasn't just the-guy-who-I-had-a-crush-on's-brother. He was my good friend.

That summer Mike and I fell in love and then I left for college at a liberal arts school in Kansas. We spent 3 or 4 months acting like love-sick puppies. It probably didn't help that Kansas is one of the most boring places on earth, and that I had mono for a big portion of the semester. Either way, I found myself wishing I was back in Colorado with my family and my boyfriend close. We spent hours talking on the phone and scheming a way to be closer to each other. At the end of the semester I transferred to CSU where Mike and Dan were. I had images of unicorns and rainbows in my head. I thought that everything would be perfect.

What I didn't realize, was the toll that my relationship with Mike was having on his counterpart, Dan. Dan had left for college with his own expectations and high hopes. He expected to spend all of his free time with Mike. He imagined rec sports teams and frat parties with the brother he had visited when he was in high school. But Mike's cool factor was wearing off. When I was in Kansas he spent all of his free time moping around, and after I moved, he spent all of his free time with me. He quit the fraternity and got serious about school. We started talking bout getting married and other grown-up things. Dan was angry. And he thought it was my fault.

I had stolen his brother. I had ruined his freshman year. Dan's frustration and resentment started to get between them. I always made an effort for all of us to hang out, but Dan didn't want to spend time with "us". He wanted to spend time with his brother. I was the enemy. He even started reporting to their mom. Their conservative, Catholic, military mom. "Kat is spending all of her time at our house" "I need my space" "This isn't what I signed up for". She instinctively defended her son. Now I was on her bad list too. It resulted in many aarguments and heated blow-outs.

But, I didn't go anywhere. They may have wished I would, but I didn't. I think when we got married they finally realized that I was going to be around for a long time, and that we better all get along or life wasn't going to be easy. All of a sudden their attitude changed and they started treating me like I was part of the family. I was weary, though. I was still angry that they had ostracized me so much. I was frustrated that Mike's choices had been blamed on me. It was harder for me to forgive and forget.

Time healed the wounds though. Dan made an especially concerted effort to show me that the past was behind us. He started looking out for me and calling me sis. He called on birthdays and anniversaries or when he heard I had been offered a job. The joking became light-hearted rather than stinging.
Dan has become a brother to me. I love him and I'm so proud of him. He is a strong young man, a committed marine, and a loving son and brother.

And now...he is moving in with us. I'm a little nervous. Three strong personalities with a volatile background could end very, very badly. I mean, I love him, but living together? That's a big step. I think we can do it. I hope we can. If we can get through the next 8 months conflict free, that will be a huge step. It could go either way. We could either get really sick of each other or become even closer. I guess we will see, but I have a good feeling about it. We have come a long way.

A lesson about love

Isn't its strange that when you go to church, it feels like the speaker can see in your brain? Usually, whatever it is that I was dealing with that week is exactly what is talked about in the service.

Today after we were done singing praises, the pastor said, "I can sense that there are people here feeling anxious, people who may be fighting depression". And then he looked right at me. In a room full of hundreds of people he made eye contact with me. I started crying.

Because, you see, this week I have been fighting depression and anxiety. In my new found race to "get healthy", I have gotten obsessed. I have started nit-picking every aspect of my body. Every day when I step on the scale and the numbers don't change I start to hate myself a little more. I resent every imperfection. The deflated breasts, the acne, the love handles. I have become so focused on my imperfections that I can't see anything else. I can't see my big green eyes. Or my thick, shiny hair. I can't see anything I like. I have even cried myself to sleep thinking about how ugly I feel.

This is just not me. I always fight so hard to love myself. If I sense myself slipping into self-consciousness I drag myself right out of the hole. I do EVERYTHING in my power to appreciate all the beautiful things about myself. But this week that has been too big of a mountain for me to climb. Maybe my positive attitude is what allowed me to get fat. If I had focused on my thighs a little more, maybe they wouldn't be so big.

It's no way to live. I am mentally abusing myself every time I think I have fallen short.

So today when the guest speaker taught us about love, it was exactly what I needed to hear.

Because I was fearfully and wonderfully made.

God loves me. He is in love with me. I am breaking his heart every time I let a self-loathing thought pass through my brain. I know this, but I didn't want to hear it. If I let myself feel God's love, I might start loving myself, and that is just too hard. So in hating myself I am pushing everyone else away.

When Mike whispers, "you're beautiful" I say "no". When he says, "I'm so attracted to you", I say, "not". I won't let anyone else love me because I can't even love myself.

It sounds so obvious, but I have to let this thinking stop. Knowing I will be seen in a swimsuit in a few months is becoming much too significant. It's getting in the way of my life.

I just need to learn how to eat healthy, exercise, and love myself, all at the same time. I'm not sure I know how to do that. I need some other motivation besides hatred. I need to let myself be filled with God's love. I need to let that love leak out to the people around me. My friends don't need such a disconnected friend, and my husband certainly doesn't need a wife who can't even sleep next to him without thinking how much I hate when he touches me.

I need to learn how to love. I need to remember that I was fearfully and wonderfully made.

Time to Clear the Clutter

About a week ago I was spending some much needed time with one of my friends who lives out of town. She was in town for the holidays and drove an hour and a half to see me before I headed to DC.

This friend is one of those soul mate friends. The kind that knows your past, present, and future. The kind that you can go months without talking to but will still understand you.

This friend gave me a reality check. She caught me at a weak moment. I was flustered with trying to pack and make diner and spend quality time with her all at once. I was frustrated that nothing seemed to fit and that none of my clothes seemed just right to pack.

Talking to her that night was like looking in a mirror. I saw my flaws. She so gracefully and lovingly pointed out the places where I am lacking. She made me feel like I could fix it.

My life has gotten cluttered. I can blame it on the holidays, or finals, or work or anything else, but really there is no excuse. My house always feels messy. My car is a wreck. I loathe everything in my closet. My body is even annoying. The clutter in my life was starting to get in my head.

Why not fix it? Why not donate every single piece of clothing in my closet that I don't love. I would rather wear clothes that fit well and make me feel good than have a whole closet full of clothes that I bought for no reason. Why did I buy them in the first place? They were on sale? I felt like shopping? I keep buying cheap shit that I don't love instead of spending a little extra on things that are classic and high-quality.

And my closet is just the beginning. I feel like I need to clean my whole life out. I'm working on it. Having less goes further. It makes me feel more in control.

I'm thankful that I had someone who could remind me. It's funny how you relearn things that you already know. Even though it's getting better, I'm sure I will need another reminder. Luckily, I have amazing people in my life who aren't afraid to set me straight.

A new year, a new start

I started this blog at the beginning of 2010. It started off with a list. A list meant to guide me, to define my goals, to inspire me. It said:

Respect my body

Think locally

Eat more veggies

Trust that God's plan is infinitely better than mine

Paint more often

Love where I live

Express myself

Read

Finish school (with acceptable grades)

Be a better friend

Pray

I have been planing on going back to that list for the last few days, but I was nervous about what I would find. Did I reach my goals or did I let life get in the way? I wasn't sure I was ready for the answer.
Luckily I think I did a pretty good job.

I have learned the hard way that this body is the only one I get, so I better learn to love it. Of course it is a daily struggle, but I think I have gained more respect for my body over the last year. I have gained a few pounds, but I don't loathe it the way I used to.

I joined a local co-op which has helped me to think locally and eat more veggies. I definitely think it has helped me to consider where my food comes from, what organizations I support with my business, and stretched me to cook meals with what I have, including some ingredients that I would not usually buy.

Trusting in God's plan is another ongoing battle. I think it will take a lifetime to become fully trusting of what God has in store for me. But, I do think I have learned a lot about this goal over the last year. God has really placed some trials along my path, and although they filled me with grief or fear or frustration at first, they were all great lessons that God is carrying me through.

I haven't been painting or taking pictures or reading. That is a goal that I am extending to 2012. I let life get in the way in this instance, but in this New Year with some of my newly found time I think I am going to explore my creative outlets.

I have really begun to love where I live. Living in a little suburban town that is so family-oriented has definitely been a struggle when I don't have any children in my home or in my belly. I found myself wondering why we chose here and now. But, now I can say that I'm glad. The clouds have lifted, and the idea of beginning our family brings joy to me again. It is something to work towards, and knowing we have a stable home to bring babies home to is a great thing. Our town is adorable, and full of people who get out of their homes to hike, or bike, or try out new little restaurants, or spend time in the fresh air with their families. That is a beautiful thing.

I finished school!! It wasn't easy. Especially when there were a few weeks where I had a hard time dragging myself out of bed at all. But I did it! I am now I college graduate. I'm still waiting for it to sink in.

Be a better friend. This year I have made some great new friends. They have helped me learn even more about myself. My friends, new and old, have goven me a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and a reminder that we all have unique attributes to offer. My friendships have also been tested. No one else can understand what I have gone through in the last year. They don't know why I want kids or why a miscarriage still haunts me. They don't know why I chose to get married so young or why we bought our home. These things have been had for me to understand, but they have taught me to respect my own path and respect theirs. It's ok if they don't get it. They still have so much to offer to our friendship. I aim to be more forgiving and full of grace in the next year. To see life through their eyes, and understanding when we don't see things quite the same.

Pray. I always need to pray more. God is my best friend, but sometimes I don't treat Him like it. If it was an earthly relationship our distance might not be so easily forgiven. When I have the urge to pick up the phone, I need to remember to pray. Talking to God is much more effective than venting or gossiping to other flawed people like me.

This has been a long year of stumbling, learning, and loving. I have overcome depression and the loss of losing a life I so desperately wanted to bring into the world. I have graduated with a degree that I was never fully convinced I would reach. I have fallen even more in love with my husband. I have been fired and hired more than once. We have purchase our first home which I have both loved and hated.

Most importantly, I have learned how resilient I am. I can do it. I believe in myself.

I just need a moment...

I just think you all should know that I love you. A lot.

A whole house full of people for a week has made me really happy and really tired. Like really really tired. It's not even 6 o clock and I'm about to pass out.

I have been thankful, joyful, grouchy, sleepy, productive, and lazy this week.

I have cried happy tears with people that usually drive me crazy.

I have been driven crazy by people that usually crack me up.

As amazing as this week has been...I'm ready for it to be over.

I'm gonna get a good night's sleep, eat lots of vegetables, and try to reduce my Christmas pooch. I'm also gonna show my hubs how much I appreciate him because he has kept me sane this week. My Mom-Mom too. She is the best.

And finally, I'm gonna try to let it sink in that I am actually done with school. No more late night cramming. No more driving Mike crazy with procrastination. No more eating Jimmy Johns in the library while I write about serial killers.

I'm a lucky girl. Or blessed, rather. Definitely blessed. Now I just need a moment to let it all sink in.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a GOOD NIGHT.

Who really likes jello molds anyway?

Today I am missing Mike's Christmas party. I'm a little bummed about it. Isn't that one of my wifely duties? To put my hair in rollers and put on my best sweater and smile for a few hours even though my feet hurt? To secretly hope that everyone likes my lemon bars more than any of the other desserts, because who really likes jell-o molds anyway?

That may sounds like torture to most people, but for some sick reason I love this kind of thing. Especially if I don't have to talk to anyone. I'm a little socially awkward. Especially without a glass of wine to lubricate my inhibitions.

But, alas, I have to work. And finish my finals. (My last final of my whole life.) Besides, Candice won't be there either. I would be very upset if she was going and I wasn't. It would have been fun for the two of us to hide in a corner and snicker about what old ladies who work for the government think is proper attire for an afternoon Christmas party at a rec center. It's also fun to wonder how all those nerdy employees have such hot wives.

I'm also glad it's not a dress up event. I would be very upset if I was missing out on an opportunity to break out my liquid eyeliner.

But, instead, Mike and Bailey will go to the party without their wives. They will bring napkins and plates instead of lemon bars and artichoke dip. They will probably be wearing something completely unfestive. And then they will sneak out early so that they can come home.

Sounds pretty lame to me.

An update...the end is near

I haven't written in forever so at the prompting of a friend (hey linds!) I decided to stop by for a quick update.

THIS IS THE LAST WEEK OF SCHOOL!!! As soon as I turn in these finals I have been working on I will be done! They aren't due until Sunday at midnight, but Mike's parents fly in on Friday so my goal is to be done by Thursday night.

That means that I have to write a 10 page paper, a project outline, a test, AND clean my house top to bottom before Friday morning rolls around. Oh and I have work.

But you know what...as stressful as it is I'm feeling pretty pumped. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. What am I going to do with all that free time!?

Christmas time is coming, there will be lots of family here, and a grad party! Fun, fun, fun!!

That's when I can get to work putting all the finishing touches on my house, put together a gingerbread house, and make Christmas cookies!

One of those days

Today sucked. Here's why...

1) Greasy hair- I woke up and took a shower but didn't wash my hair because I have a brand new bottle of dry shampoo. Well the new bottle doesn't work. It's clogged and doesn't spray. It was too late to get back in the shower, then wash and dry my hair.

2) Bad picture- I got to orientation for my new job feeling cranky because of my bad hair day and lack of breakfast. What do they have us do? Take a picture for our id badges. Great, I'm just so glad this terrible day was documented with a picture I will have to wear around my neck for everyone to see.

3) Rowdy kids- I don't know if the kids could tell that we were a little off today or they were just funkified by the snow. Whatever it was, they were OOC. Three kids hit their heads today. Head injuries of any kind require a call home. Three kids lost their recess privileges. And at the end of the day at pickup we lost a kid. We have to visually see their parents, but a dad who had never picked his daughter up before took her home without letting us know and it sent us into a panic.

4) Miscommunication- A family that I babysit for asked me to watch their kids overnight tonight while their mom was in the hospital having surgery. I was supposed to pick the kids up from school right after I got off of work and then stay at their house until I took them to school tomorrow morning. I wasn't looking forward to being away from my house and my hubs all night long. On my way to pick the kids up I called their dad to see if I should pick up booster seats for them before I got them from school. He was confused. His wife's surgery is tomorrow. She told me the wrong day.

5) Gas light- My car let me know I was out of gas while I was in the middle of nowhere.

6) Flashing Lights- I called Mike to let him know I was actually going to be coming home and then I noticed something flashing. I looked in my rear-view mirror. I looked down at my speedometer. 63 in a 50. Oh, my registration is expired? Just the cherry on top! Oh and my address had to be changed within 30 days of moving? That would have been good to know. No wonder my registration never came in the mail! Now I owe "the man" $213. There goes my first week of pay.

Cried the whole way home.

Two beers, a bowl of Annie's organic shells & cheese, and a few sweet potato fries later, I'm feeling a little better.

Tonight's gonna be an early night. It was just one of those days.

Update

I start my new job tomorrow and I'm surprisingly calm about it. 15 kindergartners and two teachers? Bring it on! I can totally handle it. Overcoming my social-awkwardness and making a good impression on my coworkers? That's a little more of a struggle. It will be great, though. I love the girls I have met so far. I love the idea of being forced to get out of the house for four hours a day. And, I love the idea of paying off some of the credit card debt that being an unemployed homeowner going through college has created.

I'm also getting really excited to see the pictures we had taken two weeks ago. I'm hoping we will get to see them soon. We had a photo shoot with Justin Hackworth, and lets be honest, he is just amazing so I know we will have some wonderful pictures to record this part of our lives.

And since I promised the menu for my Halloween Party here it is:
Stuffed Mushrooms

Pesto and Swiss Pastry Pinwheels
Jalapeno Popper Crostini
Caramelized Onion Dip
Caprese Salad
Mutt Mix
Cookies
...and to drink we had Purple People Eaters and Pumpkin Martinis
The Jalapeno Popper Crostini was amazing and easy so just let me know if you would like the recipe, or any of the others.

This weekend we also hung the ever-fabulous headboard. I still haven't taken any pictures, but get excited. It's lovely. This is the tablecloth we used to cover it. I have a little obsession with using target tablecloths in lieu of fabric because they are thick, come in super cute patterns, and are much cheaper than upholstery fabric.

Deployment?

The other day Mike sent me a message asking me if I would mind if he adds his name to a voluntary deployment list. He assured me that in his current position there is little to no chance of being deployed and that even if it did happen it would likely only be 90 days, and in a safe place.

I asked him if we could please have the conversation face to face when he gets home. He agreed. Well, we both forgot about the conversation and then I later found out that he went ahead and added himself to the list without discussing it with me any further.

I'm not sure how to feel about this. I totally understand that there are many brave people deployed throughout the world right now who are in much worse conditions. 90 days seems like nothing when compared to the year deployment that Mike's cousin is serving in Afghanistan right now. And fr all I know he could be deployed to Iowa or Italy. It could really be anywhere.

But 90 days!? That's a long time. I don't want him to be gone for that long. There are two huge reasons why. Number 1, I am starting to get the baby itch. Dealing with a pregnancy or lack thereof and then getting the news that he is leaving would not be fun. Number 2, I just got a new job so in the case that it was a place I could go with him, I would have to stay here anyway.

I know a family who had to go through most of her pregnancy and the birth of her son without her husband because he was in the desert. My heart broke for her. I don't mean to sound ungrateful or spoiled. I know I could do it if I have to, I just don't really want to.

Mike's family always says that it takes a certain kind of woman to be a military wife. I don't really agree. I think it's about choices. Some women choose to leave their husbands while they are deployed. Some women choose to blame their husbands. Some women choose not to deal with all of the hardship that comes with the territory of being the wife a military man.

I want to be the woman who would choose to make it work, I'm just not sure I want to do it if we don't have to.

Or maybe I'm just mad that he didn't talk to me about it first,

Life isn't a fairy tale....but it still rocks

I have a great husband.

I have avoided these types of posts before because no one wants to hear about the happily ever after, but lately I have been thinking about how lucky I really am. I'm not going to kill you all with our sappy-sweet love story. I'm just going to be real.

The other night my aunt and cousin were over for a little birthday dinner and later my cousin told me that they talked about how great Mike is the whole way home. That really made me smile on the inside.

We aren't that sappy sweet kind of couple where everything is perfect. In fact, nothing is perfect at all. Sometimes I whine. Sometimes I yell. Sometimes he yells back. Sometimes we have communication issues. Sometimes I feel like my needs aren't being met. Sometimes I don't meet his needs. We argue all the time and drive each other crazy. But...

#1: He really truly cares about me. He loves me and wants what is best for me. When I cry his heart aches. When I'm happy he is happy. He really knows me exactly as I am. I can be myself and I am myself when he is around. I don't feel like I have to put on any airs. In fact, I think he is the person who I am the most comfortable with in the whole world.

#2: He is the most committed and honest man in the whole world. He isn't giving up. He's not walking away. He's not tricking me or being sneaky or untruthful. It's not in his nature. I never have to worry about that. If he ever did anything wrong when I wasn't around he would feel so guilty he would tell me. And, I would even have to be angry because he would punish himself more than I could ever punish him. He wants to provide for me and make me happy. He is a real man.

Sometimes I think there are things I would change about him. Maybe I would get rid of his temper, or make him more outgoing, or a few inches taller, or give him a face like Ricky Martin or abs like The Situation. But, I wouldn't trade any of the amazing things about him for any of those things. Not in a million years. (And let's be honest I'm sure if he could snap his fingers and give me Giselle's legs he would)

My point is, we aren't perfect. Not even a little bit. Anyone that knows us has probably seen us fight and it's not very pretty. He has even punched walls and slammed doors in my face and I have probably called him names that are even more awful, but we still dig each other. I am pretty damn lucky to have a guy like him.

If I compare what we have to the movies it will always fall short. Life isn't a fairy tale. But when I look around at everything going on around me I am so grateful. I have the best man. Two imperfect people are going to make an imperfect relationship. But we are both pretty freakin awesome for each other.


(pssst...that job that I interviewed for the other day? well I got it!!)

October 26

Today was another eventful day.

I have been cultivating an enormous "cyst" between my eyes right next to my right eyebrow. Cyst is just the nice word the dermatologist uses to describe an unusually large zit. Partly because it was starting to impede my sunglasses-wearing capabilities, and partly because we are having family pictures taken on Thursday, I finally broke down and called the dermatologist yesterday. They squeezed me in this morning to get an injection this morning. Oh the joys of hormonal issues.

A few minutes after I made the appointment, I got a call for an interview. I was pretty stoked. It is a job I would actually love to have. I scheduled the interview for 10:30.

And then it dawned on me...I was going to have an injection in my face and then immediately drive to an interview looking like Quasimodo. Excellent!

Well today the derm was running behind and I started getting nervous that I would be late to my interview. After sweating it out I finally called and let them know I was running behind. They gave me the PAINFUL injection and then stuck a bandaid on it. A bandaid! That I couldn't take off for a few hours! I was planning on covering up the little bump with concealer so I didn't look quite so bad but now that wasn't an option.

By the time I got there late and with my bandaid on I was really frazzled. I'm afraid that I may I have sounded a little...ditsy. Ugh.

But the day got better... Mom-Mom and I made a beautiful headboard for my bedroom.
I'll post pictures later!

A good week

I'm so excited for this week! Last night I finished up my finals. It was a huge relief. Now I get to put my life back together and get ready for this great week I have ahead of me. It is my cousins birthday on Monday so we this Friday we are having a family birthday party for her! the big 1-9. I'm getting twisters enchiladas and goodness knows Mexican food makes a good party! And then on Saturday is my Halloween Masquerade Cocktail Party!

It's time to get my house clean, my list of hors d'ouevres picked out, and a grocery list made. Plus, a little trip to the liquor store to see what kind of pumpkin martinis I can whip up.

When I figure out what kind of finger foods I'm going to make I'll post that up here.

I better get busy!!

PS: I begin my last three classes today!! Only 8 more weeks until I graduate!

The Interim.

My grandma is back in town. We call her Mom-Mom. I'm so glad she's back. We go shopping and make my house look pretty together. The best part is when we just talk.

I have been feeling a little...stuck...lately. It felt good to talk to her about it. Talking made me realize while I'm stuck.

I'm a planner. I've always had a plan for my life and I just tweak it with the twists in the road. The problem with right now is, I never saw it coming. I knew I would be a student. I knew I will be a mom. What I didn't expect was the time in between. The interim.

Since I didn't know there would ever be an interim, I didn't make a plan for it. I feel like I'm standing at a fork in the road, but instead of there being two paths to choose from, there are many. Maybe ten, maybe more.

I'm thankful that I have choices. I'm thankful that I have a supportive husband with a great job that allows me the freedom to figure out what's next. Sometimes I think I need to be more aware of how blessed I am with that freedom that so many others don't have. And I need to be more careful communicate to him how thankful I am.

Because it's so much easier to focus on how overwhelming all of these choices are. I can be overwhelmed and thankful, cant I?

"When there is a mountain to climb, waiting won't make it smaller."

That's what the postcard that Mom-Mom left on my car the other night said. It so true. But what mountain should I climb?